This is for all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just
need to take it out on someone! Don't take that bad day out on someone you
know, take it out on someone you don't know!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I
had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely
I politely said, "This is Bobby Carpenter and could I please speak to
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone
could be that rude. I tracked down Melissa's correct number and called her.
She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with
Melissa, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided
to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're
a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word,
"jackass", and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd
call him up. He'd answer and I'd yell, "Your're a jackass!" It would
always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller
ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice,
"Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID
program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if
there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.
Just dial 402-8863.
A little background as to why: I was waiting to park at the mall and an
elderly lady took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think
she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started
to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to giver her
plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All
of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong
direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling,
"You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy got out of his
Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't
even hear me. I thought to myself, This guys a jackass. There are sure a
lot of jackasses in the world.
Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I
wrote down the number and I hunted for another place to park. A couple of
days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone
after calling 402-8863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (Its really easy to
call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone
number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I
better call this guy too. He answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. Its a yellow house and the car is
parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you , Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For awhile
things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two
jackasses to call. Then, after awhile of calling the jackasses and hanging
up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First,
I had my phone dial Jackass #1. The man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I
yelled "You're a jackass!", but didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34Th Street. Its a yellow house and my black Camero's parked out
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are......."
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, heres your chance. I'm coming right over, Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802
West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going down on W. 34th
Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34Th Street to
watch the whole thing. Glorious! Watching two jackasses beating the crap
out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter was one
of the greatest experiences of my life!
FREEDOM IS NOT FREE. FREEDOM IS BOUGHT AND PAID FOR BY THE BRAVE SO THE FREE CAN BE FREE.