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A Christmas poem, cowboy style!

leanin' H

Well-known member
The history behind this poem is kinda funny. I had a wonderful Uncle who was my Idol. He was a cowman to the core and as tough as nails. It could be 20 below and he'd have a denim shirt 1/2 unbuttoned, cowboy hat, and a prince albert roll-ur-own cigarette puffin'. He always rode with a bosal and loved grulla's. Easy to laugh and tease, i loved him dearly. He'd always tease me on Christmas eve about how he was gonna plug Santa and trap the reindeer. We always had eggnog together, since they lived nextdoor to my folks, and i'd go home convinced santa was toast. I lost Uncle a few years ago to cancer and i still miss his twinklin' eyes! By the way, Unc's eggnog always had a kick added to his mug!

The Christmas Dream or
Never drink from Uncle Bernell's mug before going to bed!

It's Christmas eve! That wonderful night, and i'm layin' on my bed. Listenin' for those reindeer bells, to be jinglin' over head.

I toss and turn and flop around like a brown trout on a sand dune. But I daresnt make too much noise, cause Santa will be here soon.

Now Mom and Dad have tucked me in and told me to be quiet, but I can't wait till four a.m., I feel the need to riot!

See, i'm a kid and as you know, us kids have been persuaded, to be good, all year long! I'm almost constipated!

Cause now, in only hours, my goodness will be good for something! A horse, a bike, a bee-bee gun, Yipee, i want to sing!

But i'm just supposed to lay here, with my finger up my....... nose. And wonder if i'll get that horse. My anticipation grows!

It grows so much it covers me like big ol' fluffy fog. Til finally, i'm fast asleep, still full of Uncle's eggnog.

My dreams are filled with granduer scenes, i'm ridin' a brand new horse.
I wear a very shiny star, cuz i'm the sherrif of course.

My horse is fast as thunder and the outlaws all are sad! They know they better leave town quik, before they make me mad.

My horse can do amazing tricks, like skip and twirl a rope. My horse is so dang popular, he just became the Pope!

And when pretty girls say, "We like ur horse"! I'm always proud to say, Ol' Santa Claus gave him to me, just last Christmas day.

Then suddenly I hear that sound, the one you can't mistake. It starts with HO, HO, HO and ends with a squeal of brakes.

I sit upright, my eyes pop open and I hear a pawing hoof.
I can't believe, but know it's true, Santa's on my freakin' roof!

I sneak right down the squeaky stairs without a single sound, and then the door, I crack a bit, but no one is around.

I get camoflaged under the tree, to watch Saint Nick come in, When suddenly I hear the thing, I never wanta hear again!

The sound is pretty gruesome and I head toward the door, when up there on the rooftop, I hear a great big roar.

I hear antlers clashing, presents bashing and once I thought some cussin', so I run outside to find out why, Santa's speakin' Russian?

And what to my wondering eyes should appear?
It's Uncle Bernell and he's trapped the reindeer!

I'd layed out hay for those flying deer, to eat while Santa unloaded my loot, now Dasher and Dancer were caught by the hoof and Santa was caught by a boot,

in coyote traps that were covered in snow and scattered among the hay. And the chief suspect is packin' a shotgun and rapidly comin' this way!

I realized that I would be blamed for this mess, and Santa would hold a grudge, and all that i'd get for Christmas was, a lifetime supply of fudge!

No horse, No bike, not even a cap gun. My Christmas was done rite here.
I listened while Santa said some things that had no Christmas cheer.

Now by that time, that Uncle of mine, finally got a shot olff!
And took out the jinglebells that were hangin' on poor Rudolph.

When the gun went off, them reindeer decided well, that was that!
Harness went here and presents went there and they flew away like a bat

Out of someplace really bad! Only Santa remained,
his foot still stuck in a rusty trap that was held to the roof with a chain.

Well lucky for him, Uncle's gun got jammed and Mr. Claus got loose,
and took off from that rooftop, a flappin' like a goose.

Uncle gave him one in the rear as he flew off in the night,
and I just stood there dumbfounded, heartsick at the sight!

Cause Santa's suit was sewed up good and connected to his shoe, and when he got loose from that trap (this part may nauseate you)

he left his boot, his pants and drawers, still stuck there on the shingles, and Santa flew off in his birthday suit with nary a bell to jingle!

And Uncle went home kinda gigglin' and quite proud of himself, while I envisioned me locked in the cuff's of a chaingang for rotten elfs!

I went back inside and ate the cookies I'd left out special for him.
No use trying to be good now, my own Uncle had done me in!

I got back into bed and started to cry. The morning would bring my shame,
as good little girls and boys would wake up and all would curse my name.

Then Mom was shakin' me sayin' wake up! You're having a really bad dream. I said it was Uncle Bernell and some traps that caused my painful screams.

So we went downstairs and there were the gifts, including the Bee-bee gun! I loaded it up and squeezed her off and shot Uncle Bernell in the bum!

"That was for Santa Claus", I hollered, as I ran away!
And I've never drank eggnog from Uncle's mug, since that day!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Darrell Holden 2001
 

gcreekrch

Well-known member
Good One Leanin' H.

With an imagination like that you should be able to come up with one about hunting moose or deer or Grizzly bears with tractors and balers and 4 wheelers. :D

Look out Soapweed, here it comes!
 

Soapweed

Well-known member
gcreekrch said:
Good One Leanin' H.

With an imagination like that you should be able to come up with one about hunting moose or deer or Grizzly bears with tractors and balers and 4 wheelers. :D

Look out Soapweed, here it comes!

The suspense is killing me. It's bound to be good. :)

leanin' H, I really like your poetry. This one paints a pretty vivid picture. Good work.
 

Jassy

Well-known member
Thanks..it made my day! You've got such a knack...we're so lucky that you decide to share it with all of us...
 
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