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A shadow of a man that he once was

Shelly

Well-known member
I've just returned from a heart-wrenching visit with my father-in-law. I have known this man for 25 years. He was a hard-headed, big brute of a man that spent most of his life working. He started with nothing and built himself up to a man with no shortage of material assets and money in the bank. He has lived his life through serious droughts and years of plenty. He was not always the easiest man to get along with, but he earned alot of people's respect. Now, the dreadful disease Alzheimers has taken him from us, and he spends his days in a home where he can't relate to anything or anyone. We, as a family take turns going in and feeding him, as the staff there have no luck. We used to get him to eat something, now the trips into town are an exercise in futility. He has wasted away to nothing, and it breaks my heart to see him this way.

Sorry to dump this all on you fine folks, but I just needed to talk to somebody, anybody. It makes me feel a bit better.
 

Judith

Well-known member
Aww Shelly.. i know its a tough thing to see. Really tough deal that's for sure. I'm pretty sure all of us on here can relate in some way or another. HUGS
 

Faster horses

Well-known member
Gosh Shelley. That is so darn tough. I wish we could do something for you
but all we can do is listen.

Just come on and talk anytime you need to. It does help to get it out.
 

jigs

Well-known member
my grand dad passed away this summer. but he really died a year ago when the Altzhiemers took it's hold. he had 7 brothers/sisters. he is the 4th one to have the disease. My dad looks more and more like him every day, and I pray I never have to see it hit him.


I visited grand dad in the home about 45 days before he died. for 30 minutes I watched grandma hold back tears as he sat and had no clue who we were,but for about 30 seconds or so, I could look at him, and I KNEW he knew who I was. I was convinced that down there somewhere, he was there.......but there was no way to get to him.

no man deserves to end his life in such a way. no man. my heart is with you Shelly
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
I feel for you too Shelly....I helped take care of an uncle that had, it after his wife left him when she couldn't handle it :roll: Will never forgive that lady- altho I know she wasn't strong enough to handle it...

Several times we had to search across the prairie-when he wandered off from the ranch- even had to put a plane up once-- before we finally put him in the rest home...

And as jigs said- there came a time he didn't know who his brother or I were- but he seemed to always recognize my kids-and right up to the day he died when the kids showed up you could get a touch of a smile on his face and just a slight twinkle in his eye when the kids were there...
 

nonothing

Well-known member
Shelly I am sorry and I wish you and your family the strength to remember the past and the man he was..My cousin told me one time before we left the car to go inside and visit my nana,to pick my favorite memory of her and me....he said,that was the nana who i was going to see and to hold on to those memories because today she will not remeber us...So just as we walked in i thought about her making my favorite lunch when I was a little guy (it was peanut butter and strawberry jam mixed to gether in a bowl then put on bread and served a bowl of tomato soup) I know it does not sound so tasty but to me it sure was good...It did help me as I held her hand each time and after that day it never mattered who she thought I was or how she looked ,it was more important for me and her,that I remembered who she was...

Tomorrow I think for lunch I am going to have peanut butter and strawberry jam on a piece of bread with a bowl of tomato soup....I miss my nana dearly.......

Hugsssss Shelly,my prayers are with you and your family.......
 

Kato

Well-known member
I know exactly where you're coming from. We're going through the same thing with my father in law. I haven't seen him in months when he wasn't sleeping.

I remember the last year he was still at home. It was quite frankly very scarey. He lived in town, and his wife took good care of him, but he insisted on walking downtown for groceries every day no matter what the weather. Their fridge was literally filled with ham! He would go out when it was forty below, and we were so afraid he'd get lost. One wrong turn, and he could have frozen to death. Even though we were worried, we also had to give him time to be ready to move out of his home. That was the most difficult thing. He absolutely did not want to leave his home, and to do it against his will would be cruel. It would have been the easy way out, but we wouldn't take it. He carried a note in his pocket with our phone number, and most people in town knew him, so that was all we had to rely on. Finally, one day he went to the grocery store, and had to ask the girl what he was supposed to be buying. He had forgotten what ham was. They called us and we went and picked him up and took him straight to the doctor. That set the wheels in motion.

Now he's in a care home also, and it's a small comfort, but at least we know he's safe.
 

fedup2

Well-known member
From one who has Alzheimers, and yes it is hard
Just for a moment, let me share from my heart.
Please forgive me for the things that I say.
If I were well, I would not be this way.
Although I can't tell you, I'm so glad you are here.
But I know you are hurting, cause I see your tears.
I wish I could tell you, what you mean to me.
Could we please go back to what used to be?
But no, we are here, and I'm a stranger it seems.
Though I might wish otherwise, it's more than a dream.
Please, just remember, when I curse and yell,
it's not really me that you see, just my shell.
In spite of the difficult days we'll go through,
this one thing is true...my Dear...I love you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Ham (Jerry & his wife are nurses who are taking care of his mother who has Alzheimers)
-----------------------

http://www.zarcrom.com/users/yeartorem/ADpoetry/contributed.html
 

Hanta Yo

Well-known member
fedup2 said:
From one who has Alzheimers, and yes it is hard
Just for a moment, let me share from my heart.
Please forgive me for the things that I say.
If I were well, I would not be this way.
Although I can't tell you, I'm so glad you are here.
But I know you are hurting, cause I see your tears.
I wish I could tell you, what you mean to me.
Could we please go back to what used to be?
But no, we are here, and I'm a stranger it seems.
Though I might wish otherwise, it's more than a dream.
Please, just remember, when I curse and yell,
it's not really me that you see, just my shell.
In spite of the difficult days we'll go through,
this one thing is true...my Dear...I love you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Ham (Jerry & his wife are nurses who are taking care of his mother who has Alzheimers)
-----------------------

http://www.zarcrom.com/users/yeartorem/ADpoetry/contributed.html

fedup2, you are totally awesome. Thanks for sharing that, it says everything. :)
 

Jassy

Well-known member
My heart and thoughts are with you and everyone else who is dealing with this sad disease...I too have been through it with a family member, and now we'll be going through it again with another family luved one...It's hard for all who are involved. Always smile to them, and always agree,,and I found that talking about the good ole days helps alot for them, even though you've heard the stories a thousand times...but there will come a time when even old stories won't help, but they are still human and in their own ways responds to touch and sounds, Take care of them and yourselves...
 

nr

Well-known member
Shelly, so sorry. We went through 10 yrs of this with my mom. There are no easy answers just endurance and prayer.

Yesterday we heard in church somebody stand up and say we shouldn't pray for an easy life but for strength to live what we've been handed.

A big hug to you and prayers.
 

kolanuraven

Well-known member
My uncle suffered the same fate to a degree....but a stroke came in the middle of the night and that was that!!

All in all...the stroke was really the best thing at that time for him. He never knew what hit him as he never really woke up.


It's a tough deal.
 

Shelly

Well-known member
Thanks all, you've brought huge tears to my eyes with your kind words. It's so hard to see him this way, small, frail, and bedridden. He doesn't speak, and only occasionally, on a good day, can we get a smile out of him.

Scary thing is, a couple of weeks ago, my Dad told me he was starting to forget stuff, too. Like my Mom's name, for one. I thought to myself, "Can I go through this again with him?" Am I strong enough? I don't know.

But if you all can bear with me, I maybe once in awhile will need to unload. This is a heavy burden to carry.
 

fedup2

Well-known member
Thank you for the kind words Hanta Yo.

Shelly, when I visited my Uncle at a nursing home, he didn’t know me. He pulled a little rock out of his pocket and told me how neat it was. On my next visit, I brought two more little rocks for him. If he was going to be 8 yrs old again, I wanted him to be a happy 8 yr old! It may have looked silly, but who cared. For a small part of his day, he was happy.

When my Aunt was put in the home, I would bring her simple gifts. I brought her a hair brush & told her that she had such beautiful hair. Her smile lit up the room. She talked & talked about how the boys used to chase her and how they told her she was so beautiful. On the next visit I brought her a single flower. She held it and smelled it like it was gold. Again she talked about her friends & boyfriends. If she was going to be 15 again, there was nothing I could do about it except to see that she was a happy 15 yr old. Even if only for a little while.

I had to accept the fact that they no longer knew me and get by the hurt. I told myself how I felt wasn’t important. How they felt was all that mattered.
I could visit at meal time or stop in at bed time to see that they were getting treated with the dignity & respect they deserved. Other than that, try to give them a few minutes of happiness. I tried to mentally prepare myself before I left my vehicle and walked through that door to leave all my feelings of disappointment, hurt, frustration, & pity behind. I tried to only bring a smile with me. It is a lot easier said than done but if we love someone, we find the strength. You will find it too Shelly. You may not know where it came from, but it will be there. Take care.
 
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