Best of This Week?s Late Night Jokes...
Floyd Landis, winner of the Tour de France, was supposed to be on our show last week and cancelled. Then yesterday he was supposed to be on the show and cancelled again. That's pretty sad, when you don't even think you can pass the tonight show drug test. Come on! The band got in. - Jay Leno
President Bush gave a speech on immigration near the Texas-Mexico border today. There was an awkward moment when an illegal asked for directions to Dallas. - Conan O?Brien
Cuban doctors said today that Fidel Castro is recovering and is in better shape than the next guy. Assuming the next guy is Dick Cheney. - Jay Leno
The new "Superman? movie opened up recently. Superman has been everywhere. A lot of photo shoots, interviews, movie premieres. Shouldn't he be out fighting crime?! - Dave Letterman
The report showed that president bush had no history of disease including no sexually transmitted diseases. President Bush was relieved to hear that. He's always worried that he might have caught something from Clinton's old office chair. - Jay Leno
It was so hot out today in New York City that people were playing in the fountains. When you're hot there's nothing more refreshing than swimming in a homeless guy's urine. - Conan O?Brien
You know I keep hearing and reading regarding the Mel Gibson story that they know that Mel meant what he said because alcohol is a truth serum. Keep hearing this over and over. Alcohol is a truth serum. Really? Since when? Women, when's the last time you met a guy in a bar drinking heavily and he told you the truth? "Married, no, I've never been married. Kids? I don't have any kids?? - Jay Leno
The Los Angeles Police Department has a tape of Mel Gibson?s arrest but have decided they are not going to release it to the press. Instead they decided it is too good and are going to sell it on DVD. - Conan O'Brien
Yesterday Senator Hillary Clinton really went after Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld that he has a bad track record and she asked him why she should trust him. Do you get the feeling that maybe she's been burned by guy before. - Jay Leno