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Broke Cowboy Goes Swimming

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Broke Cowboy

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Upon Being A Nice Guy.

Sold!

Wife and I needed a bit of cash and we culled some bred cows. Henry is a local buyer we like and so we had called him to come and have a look.

After coming up our long and rough driveway, he met us with his usual smile and “Hi Folks!” We went for a walk down our back lane to the pen areas and he had a look at the three pairs we had sorted out. After agreeing on a price Henry said, “Look folks, I am in the middle of haying. Can I leave them here for a week please? ”Wife being a sharp cookie answers, “Yup, at your risk and I want the cheque before you leave the driveway.”

Henry agreed to this and we walked back to the house. After Henry had left, we ran the cows into a small field by themselves. A week later they were still there. Wife calls Henry and asks when he will be by to pick them up. The best answer she could get was, “Soon”.

Now we like Henry, and in fact we like his entire clan of folks – they are numerous and all extremely likeable and honest people. They are a large family of very good people – but these cows were getting on our nerves. In fact they finally calved out on grass and now we were running a few unexpected cow calf pairs.

So finally one day wife calls and says – “You know, those cows we are boarding, what do you want us to do with them? Ship them or turn them out with the main herd?”

Henry, apologizing profusely says, “Can you round them up and pen them? One of us will be by in the next day or so to gather them up.”

So off we go to the fields and round them up. Of course one of those we want to get rid of is a trouble maker and she in turn makes some serious trouble for us in the pens. But we get them all penned. We called Henry and said, “They’re ready, come and get them.”

“Great he says”, I should be there tomorrow.

Because they are going to stay in the pen over night, I pull a small trough in and fill it. Then I throw them one small square of hay. “That should hold you”, I thought.

10 days later I was still watering and feeding them. My patience was running a bit short and I said to wife, “You tell that Henry I am going to deliver them, if only to get rid of them. Ask him where they go and do not take no for an answer.

About an hour later wife tells me that Henry has called and I am to take the cows to his brothers’ place. I do not know where Dick lives, but I sure enough found out in a hurry. A loading I go.

Due to unfortunate circumstances – yet another story for another time – I was forced to make two trips to deliver three cow calf pairs. Trust me that was the best way under the circumstances. Not ideal, but I was happy to see them go at any cost.

The first trip was quite uneventful. I backed the trailer up into the edge of the holding pens at Dicks’ place and we let them out – into the pen they went without a hitch.

I looked at the entire setup, as Dick runs a small feedlot. The feeding area is on concrete and the manure goes down a small slope into an open lagoon. A very efficient set up as far as I could see. But the gate to the lagoon was a single hot wire and I told him that scared me.

He told me that there had never been a problem in the past. I then told him that if any animals I unloaded went into the lagoon, that I was not going swimming, HE was. Dick just laughed and said, “Yeah, ok”.

I went back to the house and fetched the last pair to go to Dicks’ place. I backed into his yard, opened the gates and started to unload. Everything had gone really well the first time, so I left him cleaning the pens with his tractor as I opened the back gate to the trailer. Big, no HUGE mistake!

That lone cow and her calf came boiling out of the trailer, ripping the gate from my hand, nearly running me down, and you guessed it – ran right into the lagoon!.

The calf was up to its’ eyeballs, and about to drown. The cow stopped at her chest.

What to do?

One more step and she is over the drop off into about a 15 foot deep lagoon full of wet schitzen.

Oh, did I happen to mention that it is running at about 100 degrees F and I had to hop the only piece of good fence around this lagoon to stop her from going all the way in?

Did I mention that also meant I was nearly waste deep in really warm cow schitzen?

I happened to cut her off – hit her on the nose with my best round house punch – hurt my hand – but put her back up the hill – through the fence and into the pasture.

Now I am hollering to Dick – and my words are not printable. I think the “F” word was every third – maybe every second. I managed to get Dicks’ attention and he came running with a rope –and he was a fair hand. I pulled the calfs’ nose up and he roped me as well!!!!!

I am now almost to my shirt pockets. Not a happy camper but I might have gone down for the count without that rope.

I crawl out, and we start to pull the calf out. Of course, you the gentle reader, think we are now in the clear. I wish. It was just starting.

Mom screws off to the hinterlands and Dick lets the calf go before I can round up mommy dearest.

I am really enjoying the moment, as the flies have found me. I was thinking to myself about how a quality of life improvement would really make me happy baout now.

And the calf goes exactly the wrong way – into the feedlot pen with about 80 other steers – through an opening that certainly would not have allowed a Garter Snake to fit through!!

Did I mention we had almost three inches of rain last night?

Well, I am in the pen now – on foot – bad move – in deep, loose and sloppy schitzen. The steers are on the high ground, but they decided to come and play with me while I wrestle this doggoned little calf to the ground. Dick has it by the tail while I sort out the now very wet and bedraggled rope – that will never be the same. Finally I snag that calf by the head and one front leg and turn around to see mommy dearest – coming into the pen through that very same opening that has held all those steers for God only knows how long.

I stand up and say to Dick – “I know you will not believe me but trust me – run the steers up the hill and open that gate. He gave me one of those – “Are you effing crazy” looks but did as I asked.

That cow took the calf right out of there and into a small field full of green grass.

Now the tough part is over – we sort of fix the fence. I make profuse apologies for the wreck that happened and mention that I did go swimming like I had promised I would not – so try to be easy on me when you chat with the neighbours.

Then I strip down a bit, use his hose to sort of clean up, and drive home.

Upon arriving home – knocked on my own door - daughter answers and says - "You stink".

I say, "Nice to see you too".

I had daughter put my house coat in the bathroom, go and sit in her room and call when the coast is clear. "That is unless you want to see me stride through the house stark naked to the shower honey".

Her comment? ”I will call when I am out of the way Dad – you might scar me for life otherwise.” Then I left all the clothes on the front lawn and had what I think will be the first of about three showers before the smell goes away..

I am now having a beer and thinking I need to shower again – that smell is coming back! Grrr …..

I think Henry had better give me a REAL good price on the next batch of cattle. He certainly owes me big time.

I wonder if I will ever get through one year without having to strip down on the front lawn?

I am going to have another beer and call it a day. Sorry for the length folks.

B.C.
 

Ranchy

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:shock: :mad: :evil: :twisted: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Sorry ya had a bad day, week, maybe month? but the story brings such vivid mental images that I can't help but LOL!!!!!!!!

Ya should put that in poem form, and go public with it........names can be changed to protect the guilty :nod:.......and Grandpa says Never let the truth get in the way of a good story. Ya got the makins for a really good story! :nod: :nod: :nod: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 

ranchwife

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I second that, Ranchy!! You have a way with putting your situation into words, bc, that make one close their eyes, see it happen and burst into uncontrollable fits of giggles!!! :wink: :wink: :wink: Believe me, I know it was not very amusing TO YOU as it happened, but when we read your happenings, it sort of makes our troubles of the day seem miniature!! Thanks for the "giggles"!! :D :D
 

the_jersey_lilly_2000

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:roll: ........................ :roll: ................................... :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :cry2: :cry2: :lol2: :lol2: ................................. :clap:
 

nr

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You give the term "lagoon" a whole new meaning, BC!
Funny tale.
 

Red Robin

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You know things aren't going too well B.C. when you're naked because of cattle.
Keep your chin up. Way up, that manuer would taste kind of sour I imagine. :lol:
 

Manitoba_Rancher

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BC,

After being in all of that good fertilizer you ll wake up tomorrow morning and you ll be 8 ft tall :wink: :shock: :eek: :)
 

passin thru

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I think you are full of schitzen.

Good story, could we have a reenactment?
 

Hanta Yo

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Man oh man, BC when it rains it pours. You're a good storyteller, like Greg says, you need to put these in a book. I'd buy one, too. I will also be willing to put some of our stories in with yours just to let people know it doesn't JUST happen to YOU. :shock: :shock: Put these stories in Word and save them there until you're ready willing to re-read them :p . I haven't forgotten your story about the sump pump in your basement quitting, and you know we've had that same problem :x :secret: :shock:

Take care, BC

Hanta Yo
 

Jinglebob

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Fill in a few details and mail it to Darrel Arnold at Cowboy magazine. I'm sure he would print it. If I recall, he printed one of your other ones.

Sorry about the bad day, but thanks for the laff! :D
 

Broke Cowboy

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Faster horses said:
Was that really true??? :shock: :p :wink:

Yes it is true and the smell just keeps on coming - I think I will ask the druggist if that de-skunk stuff will work for me.

I am not allowed in the marital bed tonight - apparently after several showers and perfumed shampoo I still am too ripe for any "sport tonight".

All women in this house actually think it is quite funny - I am just tired of thinking the smell is going away, and then it seems to just come out of the pores on my skin again. Probably be a couple of days before I can go to town.

B.C.
 

Broke Cowboy

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Jinglebob said:
Fill in a few details and mail it to Darrel Arnold at Cowboy magazine. I'm sure he would print it. If I recall, he printed one of your other ones.

Sorry about the bad day, but thanks for the laff! :D

You mean like - what I wore and what I did not wear while driving home? :D

Truck stinks too.

Darrel would probably think it was funny too. Yeah, he put one up about a couple months ago from me.

Sure glad I am not the one to lick that calf off!!!!

B.C.
 

Northern Rancher

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I'd of went and had a visit with Henry before I cleaned up and showered I'm a thinkin'-nice to see cow pimps are the same the world over lol. Good story but I bet the video is even better lol.
 

Mrs.Greg

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Try bathing in tomato juice.Good laugh at your post BC,you are a story teller for sure :D
 

the_jersey_lilly_2000

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guess he could always try spritzin with febreeze :wink:

Or......put an odor eater (them shoe thangs) one in each shirt pocket, one in both of yer back pants pockets, In yer boots prolly wouldn't hurt, and while yer at it....throw one up there under yer hat.
 

Mrs.Greg

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Or get a couple car deodorizers and hang then from your ears :shock: :lol:
 

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