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Buckwheat's War On Caffeine

Mike

Well-known member
Obama declares “war on caffeine”

February 3, 2014 · 0 Comments

WASHINGTON — (TG) In an address today on the White House lawn, President Obama declared caffeine to be a threat to U.S. National Security and placed severe new controls on the wonderful chemical. With Congress now branded irrelevant and the nation reeling in winter apathy, the president had no opposition to his latest sweeping dictatorial measures.

“Let us not forget who we are,” Obama told the assembled reporters, “Caffeine abuse is a repudiation of everything America represents. We must not look to Caffeine to solve our problems. Caffeine is the problem!”

Thankfully, the measures stop short of an outright ban on the amazing stimulant. Instead, Obama announced a new “economics-based” approach. The laws will target wealthy Americans “who need to do more.” No longer will they be able to snort double-latte’s with a shot of whatever during their morning commutes. These Americans will have to suffer through headache and withdrawal “as a symbolic reminder of the struggles our poor face every day.”

“However,” he continued, “let me be perfectly clear. If your family earns less than $250,000 a year, you will not see your caffeine reduced a single dime. Not one single dime.”

The president did not stop to explain what dimes had to do with caffeine. Instead, he continued on to his next target. The chocolate industry is officially on notice. “Lard-asses shoveling sixteen Hershey™ bars down their gullets” will suddenly be forced to eat new caffeine-free ‘health bars.’”

Guyana better watch their ass!
If you use caffeine, Big Government is coming after you.

Further details of the new initiative were also unveiled shortly after the announcement. “We’re gonna have a Caffeine Czar,” Obama announced. “It will be a cabinet-level position. This Caffeine Czar will not target blue collar guys having a cup o’ joe before work. Not going to do that. This is about tearing down successful people! The War on Drugs unfairly targeted the poor and minorities. The War on Caffeine is different. It will target productive, middle class white people!”

Obama also hinted at a military component to the war. “Caffeine-producing nations have the ability to negatively impact the national security of this nation,” he announced, “and I’m not gonna allow that. I may not support using our troops to defend our interests abroad, but I’m certainly willing to send them where we have no strategic interest to defend. So Guyana, consider yourself on notice. I don’t know if you make caffeine or not, but you watch your ass.”

Tyler Fetterstein, a spokesperson for Phusion Projects™, maker of Four Loko™ caffeinated malt liquors, seemed nonplussed. “Over 90% of our clientele are trailer trash, ghetto trash, or broke-assed college kids. They’ll still be able to ruin their lives with our products.”

What about the children, you ask? The president hasn’t forgotten them, either. Schools who choose to serve caffeinated food and beverages will lose their federal funding. Children, Obama said, need to be brainwashed as to the dangers of caffeine at an early age.

One school-aged child asked First Lady Michelle Obama what she should do if someone offered her a caffeinated drink.

“Just say no,” the First Lady replied.

In unrelated notes, former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg reported a startling rise in 1930s-style speakeasies serving black market sodas – some even available in sizes larger than medium. Likewise, Miami Mayor Carlos A. Gimenez reported that drug cartels appeared to immediately diversify their product line and have already begun shipping illicit caffeine into the city and cutting it with experimental chemicals to dilute quality. An Obama spokesperson dismissed these reports as coincidence.
 

Steve

Well-known member
Disturbing Fast Food Truth Not Exactly A Game-Changer For Impoverished Single Mom Of 3

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Despite the release of a new documentary exposing the disturbing practices and adverse health effects associated with the fast food industry, impoverished single mother of three Karen Ford told reporters Thursday that the revelations in the shocking new film haven’t exactly “flipped [her] world upside down.” “Look, I’m working two minimum-wage jobs just to keep my kids fed and clothed, so I can’t say I’m quite ready to throw the playbook out the window just because the cheapest and only locally convenient source of food happens to contain some GMOs and trans fats,” Ford told reporters, noting that the film’s advocacy of cooking most meals at home from fresh produce and sustainably raised meats hasn’t really changed the fact that her take-home pay is just under $400 a week. “Hey, I’d love for my children to be eating perfect five-dollar florets of broccoli and fresh-caught fish from a fancy organic grocer, but the closest one of those stores is four towns away and, after paying for a roof over my kids’ heads and keeping the water flowing in our home, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that our food budget might not be quite big enough to feed me seven nights a week, let alone three growing kids. So I can’t say these hard new truths about fast food have really been a deal-breaker for my family’s dietary habits.” Ford added that she would definitely sit right down and intently watch the full documentary the minute she had a few hours free from her 75-hour workweek and around-the-clock parenting duties.
 

Big Muddy rancher

Well-known member
Mike said:
Obama declares “war on caffeine”

February 3, 2014 · 0 Comments

WASHINGTON — (TG) In an address today on the White House lawn, President Obama declared caffeine to be a threat to U.S. National Security and placed severe new controls on the wonderful chemical. With Congress now branded irrelevant and the nation reeling in winter apathy, the president had no opposition to his latest sweeping dictatorial measures.

“Let us not forget who we are,” Obama told the assembled reporters, “Caffeine abuse is a repudiation of everything America represents. We must not look to Caffeine to solve our problems. Caffeine is the problem!”

Thankfully, the measures stop short of an outright ban on the amazing stimulant. Instead, Obama announced a new “economics-based” approach. The laws will target wealthy Americans “who need to do more.” No longer will they be able to snort double-latte’s with a shot of whatever during their morning commutes. These Americans will have to suffer through headache and withdrawal “as a symbolic reminder of the struggles our poor face every day.”

“However,” he continued, “let me be perfectly clear. If your family earns less than $250,000 a year, you will not see your caffeine reduced a single dime. Not one single dime.”

The president did not stop to explain what dimes had to do with caffeine. Instead, he continued on to his next target. The chocolate industry is officially on notice. “Lard-asses shoveling sixteen Hershey™ bars down their gullets” will suddenly be forced to eat new caffeine-free ‘health bars.’”

Guyana better watch their ass!
If you use caffeine, Big Government is coming after you.

Further details of the new initiative were also unveiled shortly after the announcement. “We’re gonna have a Caffeine Czar,” Obama announced. “It will be a cabinet-level position. This Caffeine Czar will not target blue collar guys having a cup o’ joe before work. Not going to do that. This is about tearing down successful people! The War on Drugs unfairly targeted the poor and minorities. The War on Caffeine is different. It will target productive, middle class white people!”

Obama also hinted at a military component to the war. “Caffeine-producing nations have the ability to negatively impact the national security of this nation,” he announced, “and I’m not gonna allow that. I may not support using our troops to defend our interests abroad, but I’m certainly willing to send them where we have no strategic interest to defend. So Guyana, consider yourself on notice. I don’t know if you make caffeine or not, but you watch your ass.”

Tyler Fetterstein, a spokesperson for Phusion Projects™, maker of Four Loko™ caffeinated malt liquors, seemed nonplussed. “Over 90% of our clientele are trailer trash, ghetto trash, or broke-assed college kids. They’ll still be able to ruin their lives with our products.”

What about the children, you ask? The president hasn’t forgotten them, either. Schools who choose to serve caffeinated food and beverages will lose their federal funding. Children, Obama said, need to be brainwashed as to the dangers of caffeine at an early age.

One school-aged child asked First Lady Michelle Obama what she should do if someone offered her a caffeinated drink.

“Just say no,” the First Lady replied.

In unrelated notes, former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg reported a startling rise in 1930s-style speakeasies serving black market sodas – some even available in sizes larger than medium. Likewise, Miami Mayor Carlos A. Gimenez reported that drug cartels appeared to immediately diversify their product line and have already begun shipping illicit caffeine into the city and cutting it with experimental chemicals to dilute quality. An Obama spokesperson dismissed these reports as coincidence.

You got to help me out here.
This is Borowitz isn't it? :? :???: :roll: :shock: :D
 

Tam

Well-known member
So let me get this

IF YOU LIKE YOUR CAFFEINE YOU CAN KEEP YOUR CAFFEINE

Or is it Marijuana is as safe but caffeine is a national security threat
 

Steve

Well-known member
Tam said:
So let me get this

IF YOU LIKE YOUR CAFFEINE YOU CAN KEEP YOUR CAFFEINE

Or is it Marijuana is as safe but caffeine is a national security threat

it isn't about safety.. or a national security threat.. no you missed the finer points.. it is just another way to impose a fee.. (tax) and by using regulations ..it can bypass the normal vote process..

throwing in the $250,000 tax baseline is just a way of not getting "everyone" in an uproar at first.. by the time it effects to them.. it will already be to late.

next week we will get the large soda fee.. it isn't a ban,.. it will just cost a bit more to buy a larger soda.. say a 25% fee.. for any soda over a M size portion...

no that isn't the size Michelle orders and gulps down,.. it is the size M thinks you should order and sip.. or about an 1/8th of an ounce..

sure it might cost more.. but a liter will serve a whole birthday party if you use the new portion size.. saving you tons of money.. that way you can afford the new cake tax..
 
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