Obama declares “war on caffeine”
February 3, 2014 · 0 Comments
WASHINGTON — (TG) In an address today on the White House lawn, President Obama declared caffeine to be a threat to U.S. National Security and placed severe new controls on the wonderful chemical. With Congress now branded irrelevant and the nation reeling in winter apathy, the president had no opposition to his latest sweeping dictatorial measures.
“Let us not forget who we are,” Obama told the assembled reporters, “Caffeine abuse is a repudiation of everything America represents. We must not look to Caffeine to solve our problems. Caffeine is the problem!”
Thankfully, the measures stop short of an outright ban on the amazing stimulant. Instead, Obama announced a new “economics-based” approach. The laws will target wealthy Americans “who need to do more.” No longer will they be able to snort double-latte’s with a shot of whatever during their morning commutes. These Americans will have to suffer through headache and withdrawal “as a symbolic reminder of the struggles our poor face every day.”
“However,” he continued, “let me be perfectly clear. If your family earns less than $250,000 a year, you will not see your caffeine reduced a single dime. Not one single dime.”
The president did not stop to explain what dimes had to do with caffeine. Instead, he continued on to his next target. The chocolate industry is officially on notice. “Lard-asses shoveling sixteen Hershey™ bars down their gullets” will suddenly be forced to eat new caffeine-free ‘health bars.’”
Guyana better watch their ass!
If you use caffeine, Big Government is coming after you.
Further details of the new initiative were also unveiled shortly after the announcement. “We’re gonna have a Caffeine Czar,” Obama announced. “It will be a cabinet-level position. This Caffeine Czar will not target blue collar guys having a cup o’ joe before work. Not going to do that. This is about tearing down successful people! The War on Drugs unfairly targeted the poor and minorities. The War on Caffeine is different. It will target productive, middle class white people!”
Obama also hinted at a military component to the war. “Caffeine-producing nations have the ability to negatively impact the national security of this nation,” he announced, “and I’m not gonna allow that. I may not support using our troops to defend our interests abroad, but I’m certainly willing to send them where we have no strategic interest to defend. So Guyana, consider yourself on notice. I don’t know if you make caffeine or not, but you watch your ass.”
Tyler Fetterstein, a spokesperson for Phusion Projects™, maker of Four Loko™ caffeinated malt liquors, seemed nonplussed. “Over 90% of our clientele are trailer trash, ghetto trash, or broke-assed college kids. They’ll still be able to ruin their lives with our products.”
What about the children, you ask? The president hasn’t forgotten them, either. Schools who choose to serve caffeinated food and beverages will lose their federal funding. Children, Obama said, need to be brainwashed as to the dangers of caffeine at an early age.
One school-aged child asked First Lady Michelle Obama what she should do if someone offered her a caffeinated drink.
“Just say no,” the First Lady replied.
In unrelated notes, former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg reported a startling rise in 1930s-style speakeasies serving black market sodas – some even available in sizes larger than medium. Likewise, Miami Mayor Carlos A. Gimenez reported that drug cartels appeared to immediately diversify their product line and have already begun shipping illicit caffeine into the city and cutting it with experimental chemicals to dilute quality. An Obama spokesperson dismissed these reports as coincidence.