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Divorce

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PureCountry

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Sad thing. Some good friends of ours are probably going to split the sheets soon. I've known the husband all my life. We grew up together, school, hockey, did everything together. When he first met the girl - a Prince Alberta, Saskatchewan product - a few of us thought they were just partying alot, then she ended up moving in with him, then pregnant, then married, then pregnant again, blahblahblah, same old story...we've all heard these ones. But it's real tough for me to talk to the two of 'em with any kind of support. :x

I've been like his big brother, and she's always called me and the wife to talk when they fight. So now when they're at the point of callin' it quits, they talk about divorce like it's the only solution. What a shock when I gave 'em both an @$$-chewin' for thinkin' like that. I've been through one, and I told 'em both that divorce is anything but a solution. I told 'em they were the ones who went ahead and had 2 beautiful boys while things were still rocky, and it's their responsibility to work things out and give them boys a home and a family. Don't think anything I said sunk in too far. Just wish I could do more, but I know I prob'ly can't. Burns me up - 2 boys under the age of 3, and both of 'em 25 years old. Talk to one another like they both know everything, but they don't have a clue about what they're doing to themselves, or them babies. :mad:

Sorry everyone, just ventin' a little bit. Have a good evenin'.
 

Mrs.Greg

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Pure....We do understand,daughter and husband separated in Aug.,they seem to think the only solution is divorce.We didn't get to 27 years easily its taken work somtimes more then other times.Although our daughter has no children we still feel at least try working it out ,often times the grass isn't always greener.A nd in the case of your friends,they have children they at least owe a try for.
 

Faster horses

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This subject is dear to my heart because our daughter and her husband divorced when our grandson was 6. It has been terrible. I cannot begin to explain the things that happen to kids that are the product of a split up home. There is way too much of this today. Whatever happened to committment?

Maybe if you explain to them that their children will NEVER get to spend every birthday, every Christmas, every holiday with them both at the same time, they might understand.

Maybe if you explain to them that children blame themselves when their parents divorce, they might understand.

Maybe if you explain to them that kids get cheated in many ways when their parents divorce and get dealt a raw deal, they might understand.

But I doubt it.
 

mp.freelance

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I'm getting married in 7 months, so this is always depressing to hear about. Hope everything works out.
 

gunslinger

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Wow this subject is aweful close to my heart. My husband and I have been separated since the beginning of October. I found out I was pregnant with our first the day after he asked me to leave. I have tried really hard to work things out, with him but he does not have any interest in making the least effort to work think out. He is sleeping with other women and may have done even while I was living there. The drinking and no job and just plain coldness was bad enough. Still I really deep down do love my husband and I am heartbroken that he won't even try. I don't want a divorce but what can I do? I have begged forgivness for anything wrong that I may have done, and let him know that I am willing to forgive. I desperatly wish the man who fell in love with me would come back. Where have all the good oldfashioned men gone? Why isn't anyone honest about their intentions anymore? Why do men cheat? Sorry about the rant just a sad subject. I know he is going to the lawyer tomorrow, I will probably get served papers sometime in the next few weeks.

And now he is threatening a custody battle. Hard to know what to do. I wanted to love this man the rest of my life. He just decided not to love me.

I guess my biggest question is how do you reach someone who is hellbent on getting rid of you. How do you stop a divorce?
 

MsSage

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How do you stop a divorce?
Unless both parties are willing and will work for it NOTHING will stop a Divorce. It takes 2 to make a marriage work ~one can hold it together for a short time BUT even then it slips through.

My question to you is why would you want to be with a man who does not love you and does not want to be with you? Yes divorce is hard on the children but 2 parents fighting all the time and not loving each other is just as damaging. You think you are fooling the kids but your not. They KNOW.
Yes it is very sad and should not be gone into lightly. Every option should be explored and rexplored and when there is still no resolution then a split should occure. You have to keep the children the main topic and make sure their needs are first. It is very hard but possible to act as friends and get a divorce if both put the kids first and put thier wants second.

Sorry I cant offer any easy way out and tell you it will be alright. If you take the high road and make sure the children are taken care of both material and emtional. Yes that means telling them its OK to see Daddy. I want you to have fun and when they show you they had fun you Fake it till you make it. Let them know they DO NOT have to choose between either of you. This issue is NOT with them but they will accept the responsiblity. You have to be adult enough to TAKE it from them and place it at your feet. Yours will be easier with a baby instead of young children.
ALways act the lady and that will serve you well during the court battle. Trust me the Judge sees and hears ALL. Never stoop to a lower level. Never burst out in anger HOLD your tounge. Let your lawyer do the talking. Hold your head UP.
If you need to vent ~yell~cry call a friend ~call your Mom~if all else fails Call ME.
 

Nicky

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Gunslinger - I certainly feel bad for you, don't know what to say except that my thoughts and prayers are with you and the baby, and the judge if it comes to that. Doesn't sound like there should be any trouble with custody from what you've shared. Hang in there.

Pure Country - hopefully you can get them to listen, tough deal. You hang in there too.
 

katrina

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Sometimes you have to let life play out and deal with it. Try and turn a bad situation into a good one. One of Carters class mates in grade school had a stepmom. We always looked to it as a bonus.... Two Moms to spoil him rotten.
 

alabama

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Divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. I thank God, Buick and U-Haul every day she is gone.
After 20 years of marriage that I should have ended 15 years earlier, a newfound relationship with someone that cares and shears their love with you is worth all the pain of a one and a half year divorce process. Don’t waist your life with a dud. Find a wonderful two-way love. Someone that will work with you in achieving common goals. Marriage is a team and you need someone that will back you up just as you back them up. You need to depend on one another.
Since my divorce, I have found what it really means to team up with a woman. It took a good woman to teach me that there are good women in this world. And my life so much better for it.
However, ain’t no woman ever going to get papers on this cowboy ever again. At least I hope I don’t ever get that drunk.
 

the_jersey_lilly_2000

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LOL @ "git papers on you"
Never heard it put quite like that.

As for divorce, I can't really give any advice on it, since I seem to be one of the lucky few that found a good one to start with. Yes there are always ups and downs, but the best thing my mama ever told me, "Don't ever go to bed mad at each other" it's an old saying, but soooo true. There has been a time or two, that to keep from goin to bed mad, I just didn't go to bed......but things look better in the mornin. Don't ever let the lil things that bother you pile up. Cause a whole bunch of little issues become Big issues after a while.

I think alot of people these days aren't prepared for marriage when they tie the knot. I have a neice that's been married a year now, and they both dont understand how come, it's so hard to pay the bills. Well, two new vehicles, the nicest apartment they can find.....etc....Ya can't afford the best of the best at first, that just makes it harder when your worryin about money to make a marriage work.

Gunslinger I wish you the best, very tough situation your in there, your in my prayers.

Pure Country, all you can do is be there for your friends, give them your advice as best you can. And ask the good Lord to step in and take over. When you put things in front of Him, he'll take care of it.
 

theHiredMansWife

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My husband and I have two couples/young families that we're quite close to. He went to boarding school with both of the guys, so they've been friends for quite a few years.

Late this fall, one of the guys called him, all torn up because he and his wife had separated.

I've never been closely touched by divorce before. I have several friends who grew up in a single parent home, but I never knew their dad anyway. All of my friends, all of my close family, my parents friends... I've never had someone close to me getting a divorce. I don't really know how to handle it, I guess.

He desperately wants to work it out.
She says they're better friends now than they've been in years and she's happier this way. :( (She's also been divorced before and has a different perspective on the subject than he does)

------------------

I recently read a good article on the subject that basically concluded that most long-term marriages last because divorce is simply not an option. No matter how bad it gets, divorce is never put on the table. Because once it's put there, it can never come back off.
It'll always in both peoples' minds that the other has actually thought divorce might be solution...
 

the_jersey_lilly_2000

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Also, somethin for the youngsters out there that are datin or will be soon, this is just my opinion, but when choosing a gal/feller, look directly at their home life. If they come from a family that has stuck it out and worked it out, they will be more likely to lean toward bein that way too. Just simply because that's what they have been exposed to. On the other hand if they come from a divorced home, they might not have that "work it out no matter what" background. I"m not sayin that's always the case, but if you have "mom and dad" to look up to and know they've had hard times and watched them work it out, you tend to learn from that.
 

Maple Leaf Angus

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Jersey Lllliiiiy, (Ijust put lots of L's and i"s in to be safe, you can fix up the right order!) you could not have said it better. It is hard (but possible with determined effort) to change the patterns set in the family of origin. Look at them closely before you get married, because it's guaranteed that you will after the trip down the aisle.


Also, theHiredMansWife mentioned something that I think is at the root of many divorces, it is just simply considered to be a simple option. Take the option off of the table and suddenly we have to choose between either living in a miserable co-existence or working out the underlying personal issues in order to have a more satisfying life. That has been and will be my choice for my part of our marriage.

However, there are those terribly sad situations like Gunslinger finds herself in. My heart goes out to you, young lady. May God give you strength and a good measure of wisdom and peace.

What I have learned from my "Relationship Counselling" professor is this -if people don't resolve their issues in their current marriage, they are only deferring their hard, personal work into their next relationship, because the work that leads to successful relationships will need to be done sooner or later.

Changing partners is seldom (I don't say 'never') the solution. My prof (who is also a practicing marriage and family counsellor) has given case after case as examples of those who thought that their troubles would end when they got "that old bag out of my life for good", only to find that their troubles followed them into their next relationship. And, to add to their troubles, they had to do the hard work in their new relationship while their energy was being diffused by their emotional and parental ties to their former partner and the children from other unions. What a mess, she has said.

We must never discount the grace of God in our relationships.
 
A

Anonymous

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Faster horses said:
We have been married almost 43 years now. We have thought of MURDER, MAYBE, but not divorce. :wink:

How right- Lot of days Grandma and I didn't like each other- but we always still loved each other....
 

Mrs.Greg

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Lilly I really liked what you said about the family life ..our son-in-law grew up in a home that was the scene of constant fighting, leaving ,coming back and Finally ended in a not nice divorce.Hes a very nice young man who I believe is living what he learned.And oldtimer,I always say to Greg I don't always like you BUT always have loved you.As for gunslinger,it can only work if hes willing,that child has to have a stable home and loving parents ,whether your together or apart,BEST of luck to you!!
 

OldDog/NewTricks

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Divorce Advise is cheep - But here goes

I loved my first wife but I was young and cold not fight her mothers influence on her everyday - day in and day out

When “I” decided - She was not Happy – I was not Happy – and this was having an effect on our children – I made a choice!

I knew I loved this woman so I went out of my way “NOT” to have another woman involved.

This was the biggest mistake of my Life.

Years have taught me that when there is a 3rh party in the picture neither Divorcee must face or own-up to Their Failure. In time all the Failure Falls on that 3rd Party.

By not having that Third Party Involved my Ex had to “Face” it - was it Her or was it Me!

For several years she blamed every woman that came in sight.
In time She had to face it. Either She and Her Mother were at Fault or…

I was and have ever been the @$$hole.

In trying to do right by her - the children and I have suffered. After all these years I still have one child that will not talk to me

My Suggestion – Always have a 3rd party involved
In years to Come – He/She was a Nice/Great Person but that 3rd party was the Blame :!:

I found out the Hard Way
:!:
 

PureCountry

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I agree 110% with the notion of keeping divorce completely out of the vocabulary. When my buddy said, "All we do is fight! She runs her mouth and swears and I lose my temper. Then I'm yelling and swearing! What else can I do?", I looked him in the eye and calmly said, "Try harder."

I think that'll be my main focus, is to just keep 'imprinting' the 2 of 'em until they believe divorce is not an option.

I don't know how many of you watch hockey, but there's a Canadian boy plays for the Phoenix Coyotes, name of Shane Doan. Well, he grew up not far from Greg and us, and his folks, Bernie and Bernice counselled me and my first wife when we were fallin' apart. Bernie Doan said somethin' that'll stick in my mind til the day I die. He had such a calm, soothing manner about him, and he pointed a big thick finger at me and said, "The man in any relationship has to work very hard to keep the kindness in a marriage. We have quicker tempers than most women, and it's very easy to raise your voice, and at those times, you have to be a pillar of strength for yourself and your spouse." That's popped in my mind every time I've argued with a woman, whether it be my wife, my mom, or a co-worker.

A gentle word and a gentle hand go a long long way to carry your love.


Darn that's sappy. :oops: :oops:
 

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