My third wife woke up in the middle of the night to find that I was not in the bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs to look for me and found me sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of me. I was in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watched as I wiped a tear from my eye and took a sip of my coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispered as she stepped into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
I looked up from my coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" I asked solemnly.
My wife was touched to tears thinking that I am so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replied.
I paused. The words weren't coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," she said, lowering herself into a chair beside me.
I continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years'?"
"I remember that too," she replied softly.
I wiped another tear from my cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
Now I told you that story to tell you this.
My first wife left me after a few short years - leaving me with three beautiful kids to raise by myself from still being in diapers until their teen years when I remarried. The second wife had emotional problems and problems with the kids and left me, taking my fourth son and moving in with her new boyfriend (didn't work out too well for her and she left him as well). My newest wife is my partner in all things. We spend hours just talking and planning. Now, I've hidden my thoughts and emotions within for years and am just now learning to open up with her. She is supportive and caring.
Divorce is never easy - as marriage is never easy. You have to work at marriage to make it work. I've learned that you either have a problem, are a problem, or live with a problem. You have to learn to be a problem solver - no matter what the problem may be.
Lawyers and judges don't care. They get paid regardless of the ruling or outcome. They are not the answer.
Kids don't ask to be brought into this world and should never be forced to choose or take sides. Bad-mouthing a former spouse in front of the kids only adds to their confusion. If the person is really that bad, learning to hold your tongue and waiting until they are old enough to make their own decision about the person is the best response. Never intentionally lie to the kid to make yourself look better. They will see right through it. Remember, when talking about an ex-spouse, you are only giving your kid one side of the argument.