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Emissions Control - The Cowboy Way

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DiamondSCattleCo

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Emissions Control - The Cowboy Way

We here at The Cowboy Way owe you city slickers an apology.

For years now, we've accused y'all of destroying the environment with your fuel hungry, CO2 producing SUVs and pick'em up trucks that never have a load in the back. According to the "Latest Scientific Evidence", it appears as though its actually our cows that are wreaking havoc upon the climate of good ol' Mother Earth.

And even further, apparently its a crying shame, as these emissions could be easily controlled or reduced to neglible levels.

So what can we do to help? We want to make amends for the destructive powers of our bovine buddies.

We see cow belches are a primary source of methane. Do we have to bring them in three times daily and brush their teeth? Will this help, or will it simply mask the methane smell and make the ranch smell Crest Winter Fresh all year round? Does anyone know if the makers of Crest would be willing to donate several thousand giant tubes of toothpaste, and a few hundred AA batteries for our electric toothbrushes?

Perhaps we need to talk to that Gene Simmons guy. Find out how he ignited the gas in his mouth, and install the gizmo on all our cows? Will burnt methane be as destructive to our fragile environment as raw methane? Maybe, however it would certainly lend a new credibility to the term 'rotten fire-breathing SOB of a cow'.

Well, perhaps we can't control the ozone destroying excretions from the front end of the cow, so maybe we should be turning to the backsides for our answers.

We don't know how many of you have worked with cattle, but working the backside of a cow is always frought with danger. So whatever we come up with for a solution must be safe for the poor cowboys who will be using the devices.

Perhaps a rubber balloon tied to the backside of the animal that collects the destructive farts? It wouldn't be too bad to install, as long as you had a good horse and rope. Make sure its large enough that it would only have to changed once a week or so. Then we could sell the collected methane to some cash strapped oil and gas company. Would we need licenses to sell the gas? Since oil and gas reserves under the top 6 inches of soil are considered mineral deposits, and as such, do not belong to the land owner, would we then need to buy "air rights" to the methane collected from the animals who reside _above_ the top 6 inches of soil? Since methane is obviously lighter than air, how much could we store in a balloon before good ol' #69 simply takes flight?

Guess our fences will need to be made higher. The neighbors would likely take offense to Freddy the Bull floating past their windows and peering in to see whats for supper.

He always seems a little more gassy than other critters on the ranch.

Or, if we find out that burnt methane isn't near as destructive to the environment, perhaps we could install the Gene Simmons device on the tail end of the cow too? Certainly be easier than changing balloons once a week. Pulling a calf in the spring would be a little more exciting though. Oh well, we really didn't need those eyebrows anyway. And on a cold day, a little heat during the calving process may help the little fella get a quick start.

Since our critters are chief causes of the apocalypse, we can't help but think that other animals are equally destructive. Take a bear for example. Many bears are every bit as large as one of our cows, especially polar bears. There are some real monsters up north. Shouldn't we be looking at controlling their farts as well?

Since it would be difficult to change the methane balloons on a wild bear, we suspect we'll have to jump to using the KISS device immediately (barring, of course, no protests from the knowledgeable scientific community about uncontrolled burning of methane gas). We're not sure how we'll get an igniter stuffed up the butt of a polar bear, but we're willing to give it go if someone else is willing to try and cram one down its throat.

Hmmmm, perhaps the Ignito-Cow device wouldn't be such a great idea for use on polar bears. If we have all these polar bears roaring around, spitting and excreting fire, wouldn't that increase the average temperature in NukTayYukTuk, perhaps increasing the rate that the polar ice caps are melting, causing even more destruction to an already beaten environment?

We're sorry y'all. We just can't think of a single way to make amends for the damage the Diamond S Cattle Co. has caused.

Perhaps one of these ultra-knowledgeable scientists would be able to help us out a bit? After all, 600 years ago, global warming wasn't even a twinkle in Merlin The Wizard's eye, even though there were literally MILLIONS more animals walking the face of the earth. Since todays scientists have been able to figure out that we're doing more damage with fewer animals, we're sure finding a way to control bovine emissions would be childs play to one of these rocket scientists.

Rod
 

ranchwife

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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
i am busy looking for a "pamphlet" (roughly the size of a louis l'amour western) that was published a few years back by a few of the life-long locals....printed as a "gentle warning" to city-slickers looking to move to rural montana....warning such folks of the hazards of country living...you know, the ever-present aroma of barnyard animals, slow moving tractors that ALWAYS seem to be in your way when you are in a hurry to the local cappuccino hut, SNOW-SNOW-SNOW, an emergency 911 system that needs actual directions to your home so that the ambulance can get there, the fact that the county-owned snowplows will NOT come and plow out your personal driveway, the fact that water wells WILL run dry and it may be several days before the only man in town capable of digging said wells can get to your home, the fact that the nearest cardiologist (or pediatrician or internist or neurologist) is a good 5 hour drive from town (and that's on GOOD roads), the fact that the nearest "shopping mall" is 2-3 hours away and does NOT have a Macy's or an escalator, cell phone reception is rural montana is spotty at best (deal with it), cattle drives have the right away (honking your horn at the heifer in front of you can have disasterous results, to say the least), we don't care "how they did it where you came from"!!!! :wink: :wink: I am sure that many of you out there are reading this and nodding your heads right about now!! :nod:
 
A

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ranchwife said:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
i am busy looking for a "pamphlet" (roughly the size of a louis l'amour western) that was published a few years back by a few of the life-long locals....printed as a "gentle warning" to city-slickers looking to move to rural montana....warning such folks of the hazards of country living...you know, the ever-present aroma of barnyard animals, slow moving tractors that ALWAYS seem to be in your way when you are in a hurry to the local cappuccino hut, SNOW-SNOW-SNOW, an emergency 911 system that needs actual directions to your home so that the ambulance can get there, the fact that the county-owned snowplows will NOT come and plow out your personal driveway, the fact that water wells WILL run dry and it may be several days before the only man in town capable of digging said wells can get to your home, the fact that the nearest cardiologist (or pediatrician or internist or neurologist) is a good 5 hour drive from town (and that's on GOOD roads), the fact that the nearest "shopping mall" is 2-3 hours away and does NOT have a Macy's or an escalator, cell phone reception is rural montana is spotty at best (deal with it), cattle drives have the right away (honking your horn at the heifer in front of you can have disasterous results, to say the least), we don't care "how they did it where you came from"!!!! :wink: :wink: I am sure that many of you out there are reading this and nodding your heads right about now!! :nod:

Quit telling people the good points about Montana ....It might bring in more of those Californicaters that when they get here want to civilize and culturalize us and ruin our state like they did theirs :wink: :lol: .......
 

ranchwife

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Oldtimer said:
ranchwife said:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
i am busy looking for a "pamphlet" (roughly the size of a louis l'amour western) that was published a few years back by a few of the life-long locals....printed as a "gentle warning" to city-slickers looking to move to rural montana....warning such folks of the hazards of country living...you know, the ever-present aroma of barnyard animals, slow moving tractors that ALWAYS seem to be in your way when you are in a hurry to the local cappuccino hut, SNOW-SNOW-SNOW, an emergency 911 system that needs actual directions to your home so that the ambulance can get there, the fact that the county-owned snowplows will NOT come and plow out your personal driveway, the fact that water wells WILL run dry and it may be several days before the only man in town capable of digging said wells can get to your home, the fact that the nearest cardiologist (or pediatrician or internist or neurologist) is a good 5 hour drive from town (and that's on GOOD roads), the fact that the nearest "shopping mall" is 2-3 hours away and does NOT have a Macy's or an escalator, cell phone reception is rural montana is spotty at best (deal with it), cattle drives have the right away (honking your horn at the heifer in front of you can have disasterous results, to say the least), we don't care "how they did it where you came from"!!!! :wink: :wink: I am sure that many of you out there are reading this and nodding your heads right about now!! :nod:

Quit telling people the good points about Montana ....It might bring in more of those Californicaters that when they get here want to civilize and culturalize us and ruin our state like they did theirs :wink: :lol: .......

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
heck, i have already managed to "run off" a few Floridians lately....why stop there! :wink: Unfortunately, most that come our way, OT, are only "summer residents"...come on up, purchase land for outlandish prices (therefore, driving the price of land out of the reach of us locals), build million dollar homes and then only stay for a few weeks!!! Oughta be a law that they have to tough out ONE winter (and so far, this would be a good year for that!!) and then watch 'em run!!! :roll:
 

Juan

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I wish they could come up with a practical method of capturing and storing the methane passed by humans.I have a hired man that could heat his own house and have some to spare. :D :D :D
 

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