The Manitoba Herald:
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into
Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for
increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The
recent actions of the Tea Party and the fact Republicans won
the Senate are prompting an exodus among left-leaning
citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray,
and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians
crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a
Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern
Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North
Dakota . "The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He
asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range
chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I
even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected
higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then
installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the
fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still
got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they
wouldn't give any milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station
wagons, and drive them across the border where they are
simply left to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people
are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario
border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a
single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a
nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though." When liberals are
caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing
loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives.
Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build
re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink
domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of
crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior
citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young
vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration
authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed
senior-citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to
prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't
identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we
become very suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all
the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American
liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them,"
an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does
one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and
Canada , Vice President Biden met with the Canadian
ambassador and pledged that the administration would take
steps to reassure liberals. A source close to President
Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul McCartney and
Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some
endangered species on postage stamps. The President is
determined to reach out," he said.
