NON-PARTISAN QUESTIONER #1: Thank you for taking my question your grace. I hope you enjoy the Milton Friedman effigy. You just need to add gas before using it. The Rethuglicans have been giving you a difficult time because this Swine Flu has hit, and you haven’t yet staffed Health & Human Services. What I’d like to know is, why is there a need for a Health & Human Services department anymore? Why don’t you simply lay your hands on the afflicted and make this go away, so we can get to the truly important aspects of the revolution?
OBAMA: You know that’s a great question. I could do that, but there are several problems associated with the awesome powers I possess. First, if I were to simply heal all of the sick, I would be taking away countless jobs in the health industry; certainly a bad idea in these troubled economic times I inherited from BushCo. Second, the presidential sexual harassment guidelines put in place by Mr. Clinton forbid me from putting my hands on others–and here’s the tricky part–unless it involves a full release afterwards. Now, I have a lot of stamina, but not Bill Clinton stamina! Third, many of the ill don’t actually live in forward-thinking places like New York, DC, or LA. They live in the Midwest and the South or assorted rural areas. Let me tell you brother, there isn’t enough hand sanitizer in the world to get me to lay hands on those God-riddled lepers. The Friedman effigy is terrific, by the way. If it burns half as well as the 2008 model I’ll be a happy man.
NON-PARTISAN QUESTIONER #2: I am a bit concerned about the ramifications of using the term “swine flu.” This is going to be just another opportunity for the porcinists on the right to spout more hateful propaganda against one of Gaia’s most noble creatures. Wouldn’t “Free Market Death Syndrome” be a more accurate and less hurtful name? And finally, please tell me you find the gift I brought you worthy, or I will promptly slit my throat.
OBAMA: To your first point, what a wonderful suggestion. Why allow the gentle boar to bear the brunt of this disaster when, like most problems, it can be traced to the free market economic system? By Presidential decree, I announce that this disease will heretofore be called FMDS. Now, to your gift. Please, sheath your knife. I’m a huge fan of the Indigo Girls.
Thanks again to everyone for coming out and to MSNBC for helping me to reach across the aisle in a bi-partisan manner yet again.