Faster horses
Well-known member
Got this in an email.
It's by Lee Pitts:
GET THE GATE
Ever since cows were created, inventive enterpreneurs have been trying to come up with a better gate opener. Believe me when I tell you that I have tried them all, and the best automatic gate opener I have found is my wife.
Oh sure, I tried those newfangled bump gates, where you drive into the gate with the front of your truck and try to drive through the gap in the time it takes for the gate to swing open and shut. But I got more dents in my truck with the bump gates than I did when I let my wife drive.
I have tried everything from cattle guards to adopting a kid temporarily, but they are equally unsatisfactory and for the same reasons...they cost too much and they don't work. So I just kept the wife.
But as I sit here in the truck waiting for the wife to open a particularly tight gate, it occurs to me that there are certain rules
of proper gate etiquete that must be observed at all times by both mamagement and labor. I would like to share these official rules with you now.
#1 There are two classes of people in the world..those who do open gates and those who don't. Women belong to the former category and men to the latter. The extent of man't knowledge about gates it limited to the lope and the trot.
#2 The driver of the truck is never required to open the gate.
#3 The woman never gets to drive.
#4 If there are three occupants in a pickup, they shall always be a man, a woman, and a dog.
#5 Opening gates is one thing dogs don't do well. Guess who that leaves?
#6 If, for some reason, the husband lets the wife drive, you can rest assured there are no gates to open.
#7 There are two sides to every gate. That means for every gate you open, you must also close it...usually twice.
#8 An iron rule of physics is that some things were never meant to be moved in the first place. These include heavy metal gates barely hanging on their hinges. But do your best. Men should lend emotional support when required.
#9 Women, if your husband drives you right up to the gate, it does not mean that the gate swings away from you. It just means that your husband is trying to place you in position so that when you step down out of the truck you will step directly in a fresh cowpie.
#10 The higher the truck is off the ground, the more gates there will be to open.
#11 Men should at all times reinforce and reward their wives and never criticize when the wife tries to open the wrong side of a wire gate, as my wife is attempting to do right now.
Those, then are the rules. But I am reminded of one final rule as my wife is returning to the truck with bleeding hands, wearing an expression that she is madder than a rained on rooster...
#12 The final rule is that there are exceptions to every rule and the above rules are subject to change without notice. Pardon me while I get this gate.
Also: there are two other possible places to stop near the gate (see #9) a mudpuddle or a cactus patch.
It's by Lee Pitts:
GET THE GATE
Ever since cows were created, inventive enterpreneurs have been trying to come up with a better gate opener. Believe me when I tell you that I have tried them all, and the best automatic gate opener I have found is my wife.
Oh sure, I tried those newfangled bump gates, where you drive into the gate with the front of your truck and try to drive through the gap in the time it takes for the gate to swing open and shut. But I got more dents in my truck with the bump gates than I did when I let my wife drive.
I have tried everything from cattle guards to adopting a kid temporarily, but they are equally unsatisfactory and for the same reasons...they cost too much and they don't work. So I just kept the wife.
But as I sit here in the truck waiting for the wife to open a particularly tight gate, it occurs to me that there are certain rules
of proper gate etiquete that must be observed at all times by both mamagement and labor. I would like to share these official rules with you now.
#1 There are two classes of people in the world..those who do open gates and those who don't. Women belong to the former category and men to the latter. The extent of man't knowledge about gates it limited to the lope and the trot.
#2 The driver of the truck is never required to open the gate.
#3 The woman never gets to drive.
#4 If there are three occupants in a pickup, they shall always be a man, a woman, and a dog.
#5 Opening gates is one thing dogs don't do well. Guess who that leaves?
#6 If, for some reason, the husband lets the wife drive, you can rest assured there are no gates to open.
#7 There are two sides to every gate. That means for every gate you open, you must also close it...usually twice.
#8 An iron rule of physics is that some things were never meant to be moved in the first place. These include heavy metal gates barely hanging on their hinges. But do your best. Men should lend emotional support when required.
#9 Women, if your husband drives you right up to the gate, it does not mean that the gate swings away from you. It just means that your husband is trying to place you in position so that when you step down out of the truck you will step directly in a fresh cowpie.
#10 The higher the truck is off the ground, the more gates there will be to open.
#11 Men should at all times reinforce and reward their wives and never criticize when the wife tries to open the wrong side of a wire gate, as my wife is attempting to do right now.
Those, then are the rules. But I am reminded of one final rule as my wife is returning to the truck with bleeding hands, wearing an expression that she is madder than a rained on rooster...
#12 The final rule is that there are exceptions to every rule and the above rules are subject to change without notice. Pardon me while I get this gate.
Also: there are two other possible places to stop near the gate (see #9) a mudpuddle or a cactus patch.