Sometimes a fella just has to put this stuff out there.
Had the evening meal at our daughter's place tonight, about an hour's drive east of our home. Our youngest son found work down her way this past summer, so he moved into the apartment that she rents. We took a few things along from home that would make their place a bit more comfortable. Parent stuff, you know?
Daughter made a great meal for us - she cooks every bit as well as her mother and I'm so proud of her. Our son regaled us with stories of the best and the worst of his day's work. He's becoming quite independent and capable on his own.
After a few games and yawns, wifey and I decided it was time to head home. Pulled out of their driveway, headed down the now-familiar highway that connects their place to ours. But I had this nagging sense of lostness - what was it that felt so strange? I knew where I was going - I'd been down this road lots of times.
But this trip was different.
Because as the night settled in, for the first time it dawned on me when we arrived at home, it would be to an empty house. The hard fact grabbed my throat like an strangling fist. Just their momma and me. Only one part-time-at-home son now.
Then the words just kinda choked out and spilled across the seat to my wife their momma - "I always thought that they'd be coming back home again" - well to be honest, it was more than just words that spilled . . . "But they're not!" (Stupid thinking, man - they grow up!)
"No", she reaches over and eventually says, "but they will come home for visits and we always enjoy that" and thank God that soft hand on mine assured me that this pressing reality would be eased by our companionship.
But still the specter grew with the passing miles - bedrooms once filled with the bustle of small children, then teens - now mostly empty. The thought conjured up a lifetime of memories once again - how does that work that at times like this, a whole lifetime of memories bursts into about 5 seconds of time?
And questions. A million questions! What did I teach them? They learned quite a bit about cows and calves. About hard work. About the land and growing crops, driving machinery. I remember sitting on the couch before bedtime, reading books, often "Value Tales", two kids on each side, sometimes poking me and telling me to "wake up daddy, you're reading to us"! Bible stories. But did I teach them enough about the Lord? What did I model?
Slowed down, the light turned yellow, then red.
It wasn't always good. Why do I remember so much hurry? Not always taking time to listen as I should have. Damning impatience darkening some bright moments.
As if it mattered more to get the work done than to see my kid grow up.
Once again, reassurance comes back from their mother "I guess we all could have done better". It's the stuff of life. The thorny side of the rosebush. But the truth that nobody gets it all right does little to ease the concern about how the die has been cast.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdAmiDC0GUQ
As we wait for the light to turn, I know I'm not the first to be on this road and I'm sure not the last either.
The traffic moves forward again and I think further on the lives of each of our children. Each one is independent, dedicated and trustworthy. Smart kids, each one of them, and responsible. I think they will be fine, whatever questions and self-doubts plague me.
Still . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCpsD0ZDfus
But you know what? It’s a good thing they’re all grown up and moving on! Yup, that’s it, they’re not just moving out, they’re moving on! Because they still always like to come home. For the weekend at times. For a big feed of their momma’s famous pizza on Saturdays. So that’s a good thing!
A thing I can live with. A road I can handle.
It's good to be home.
JES/11/28/12