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Great new book hot off the press

Soapweed

Well-known member
Jack Ostergard is a rancher from Gothenburg, Nebraska. He is also a cowboy poet and philosopher supreme. Hot off the press is his new book RUMINATIONS (Ruminate: To chew again). I have heard Jack speak on several occasions through the years. He is a super fine fellow, and I would highly recommend his new book.

The book is 8" x 11", paperback, and 216 pages of prose, poetry and pictures. There are also a lot of good one-liner philosophical takes on Life. The humor is fantastic. It is available for $25 postpaid from:

Jack Ostergard
412 11th Street
Gothenburg, NE 69138

Here are a few of his astute observations on ranching:

All my relation kind of stayed around the same area except one cousin. He had to leave because of his beliefs. He believed other peoples' horses were his.

This cowboy was so short he had to stand on his head to get his foot in the stirrup.

My dad raised his own haying crew. This was before the days of windrowers and swathers. Six boys, one mowed, one raked, one ran the sweep, one stacked and one scatter-raked. The last one drove the stacker team.

Stacking changed to baling with wire tie and now has gone from wire tie to twine tie. The last change caused a lot of ranchers to make different arrangements for repairs.

One advantage of being a rancher is, you don't spend a lot of time in the morning deciding what to wear.

I discovered a cure for Mad Cow Disease. Don't irritate them to start with.

I ordered some extra baling wire this year. I don't have much hay but a lot of my machinery is getting old.

This guy sounded like a manure salesman with a mouth full of samples.

Lots of folks in Nebraska raise both livestock and crops. I am often asked how many cattle you have to own to be a rancher. I say numbers have nothing to do with it. If the first of May rolls around and you are still in the pasture instead of in a cornfield it is likely you are a rancher.

I was born in April. Now if you count back nine months from April, it is July. Everyone knows July is haying time on the ranch and nothing ever stops haying time. So I probably owe my existence to a freak July thunderstorm.

In Nebraska we spend more time looking for it to cloud up than we do looking for it to clear off.

Back in the 30's it was so dry. I remember riding down the road horseback one day with my dad. We met a neighbor and stopped to talk. Naturally the conversation turned to the weather. Neighbor said, "Sure is dry, isn't it?" Dad said, "Yup." Neighbor said, "Sure wish it would rain." Dad said, "Yup, not so much for me I have seen rain, but Jack here is only five years old."

Poetry is a form of communication. Now I have always enjoyed Keats, Shelley, Burns, Longfellow and Kipling. On my first date, being kind of a country boy I took along a book of poetry to give to the girl. I asked her, "Do you enjoy Kipling?" She said, "I don't know, I've never been Kipiled."

I understand my job tonight is to give you some cowboy poetry and your job is to listen. If you get done before I do please let me know.

On introducing a speaker: "I don't know anything about this guy but if he's good let's hear him and if he isn't let's get it over with."

"I would rather see this guy perform than eat. I mean that because I have seen him eat."
**********************

Anyway, ol' Soapweed speaking again. I will personally guarantee that you will like Jack's new book. Send for it today.
 

nonothing

Well-known member
I understand my job tonight is to give you some cowboy poetry and your job is to listen. If you get done before I do please let me know.


very funny and thought provking read he has on life...this quote above,sure sums it all up to anyone who has been on stage to entertain the masses......I know we do not always agree Mr soapweed but your bang on,this man's book deserves a good read.....Thank-you for bringing it to the site.I will be buying it next trip into the book store...
 

Soapweed

Well-known member
nonothing said:
I understand my job tonight is to give you some cowboy poetry and your job is to listen. If you get done before I do please let me know.


very funny and thought provking read he has on life...this quote above,sure sums it all up to anyone who has been on stage to entertain the masses......I know we do not always agree Mr soapweed but your bang on,this man's book deserves a good read.....Thank-you for bringing it to the site.I will be buying it next trip into the book store...

This book probably will not get to too many book stores. The easiest way to obtain a copy would be to mail a $25 check to Mr. Ostergard, and he will mail a book back to you. I am pretty sure you will like it.
 

Soapweed

Well-known member
Here are some more nuggets of wisdom from Jack's book:

God made the mermaid, although I don't know why,
Not enough woman to love and too much fish to fry.

I was talking to a friend from Minnesota and asked him, "What do you do in Minnesota in the summer time?" He said, "If it falls on a weekend we try to have a picnic."

I sell everything with an Oklahoma guarantee: If it breaks you get to keep both pieces.

John Deere is coming out with a new tractor that doesn't have a steering wheel or a seat. It's for farmers who have lost their rear end and don't know which way to turn.

Sign in my county says, "Choose your rut carefully, you are going to be in it for the next 15 miles." But in all fairness the sign below it says, "Welcome to Custer County, our roads are paid for."

My grandfather was 102 years old and didn't need glasses. He drank it straight from the bottle.

Living on earth is expensive but it does include a free trip around the sun.

If you are dressed up and not uncomfortable you are still not dressed up.

If a place of business is open past midnight you probably shouldn't be there.

In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king.

A blind mule can see as well from either end.

Have you ever realized a handicapped diplomat can park anywhere he wants to?

A number of us have formed a computer illiterate group. I think there are twelve of us left.

As I drove into this small town I noticed two signs. They said, "Self Service and Help Wanted."

It is better to have loved a short person than never to have loved a tall.

Mine was the expendable generation. When I was a kid I had to take the rough off of the horses for the old men and when I got old I had to take the rough off of them for the kids.

A stone makes a very good birth control pill. You put it in your boot and it makes you limp.

My mortician blames the rising cost of funerals on the high cost of living.

The government is treating us like mushrooms. They are keeping us in the dark and feeding us lots of fertilizer.

He was as careful as a naked man climbing a barb wire fence.

Birth control pills are only deductible if they don't work.

People ask me, where do you get your ideas, and that is a bit dangerous, kind of like asking your butcher what is in the sausage.

Those who can't ban those who can.

I am glad I don't have your nerve in my tooth.

Tolerance is the ability to listen enthusiastically to someone telling your favorite story.

Birth control pills don't cure headaches but they sure prevent a lot of them.

I wrote a poem awhile back and dedicated it to the memory of someone respected and then someone in the know informed me he wasn't dead yet.

At my age lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Did you know the word LISTEN contains the same letters as SILENT?

I have seen a few places where under arm protection was a 45 caliber pistol in a shoulder holster.

Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

When I am not in my right mind my left mind gets pretty crowded.

The best audience is intelligent, well educated, and a little drunk.

My girlfriend said she couldn't kiss me because she had scruples. I told her that it would be alright as I'd been vaccinated.

Some cow herds are so exotic the owners have to learn to swear in three languages just to talk to their cows.

To put things in proper perspective, a cow chip is paradise to a fly.

I can't figure out how two teenagers can mate in the back seat of a Volkswagon when Fish and Wildlife says it takes 2000 acres for a pair of spotted owls.

It may be your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

The pessimist may be right in the long run but the optimist has more fun on the trip.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
*****************************

Anyway, you get the drift............
 

nonothing

Well-known member
Soapweed said:
Here are some more nuggets of wisdom from Jack's book:

God made the mermaid, although I don't know why,
Not enough woman to love and too much fish to fry.

I was talking to a friend from Minnesota and asked him, "What do you do in Minnesota in the summer time?" He said, "If it falls on a weekend we try to have a picnic."

I sell everything with an Oklahoma guarantee: If it breaks you get to keep both pieces.

John Deere is coming out with a new tractor that doesn't have a steering wheel or a seat. It's for farmers who have lost their rear end and don't know which way to turn.

Sign in my county says, "Choose your rut carefully, you are going to be in it for the next 15 miles." But in all fairness the sign below it says, "Welcome to Custer County, our roads are paid for."

My grandfather was 102 years old and didn't need glasses. He drank it straight from the bottle.

Living on earth is expensive but it does include a free trip around the sun.

If you are dressed up and not uncomfortable you are still not dressed up.

If a place of business is open past midnight you probably shouldn't be there.

In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king.

A blind mule can see as well from either end.

Have you ever realized a handicapped diplomat can park anywhere he wants to?

A number of us have formed a computer illiterate group. I think there are twelve of us left.

As I drove into this small town I noticed two signs. They said, "Self Service and Help Wanted."

It is better to have loved a short person than never to have loved a tall.

Mine was the expendable generation. When I was a kid I had to take the rough off of the horses for the old men and when I got old I had to take the rough off of them for the kids.

A stone makes a very good birth control pill. You put it in your boot and it makes you limp.

My mortician blames the rising cost of funerals on the high cost of living.

The government is treating us like mushrooms. They are keeping us in the dark and feeding us lots of fertilizer.

He was as careful as a naked man climbing a barb wire fence.

Birth control pills are only deductible if they don't work.

People ask me, where do you get your ideas, and that is a bit dangerous, kind of like asking your butcher what is in the sausage.

Those who can't ban those who can.

I am glad I don't have your nerve in my tooth.

Tolerance is the ability to listen enthusiastically to someone telling your favorite story.

Birth control pills don't cure headaches but they sure prevent a lot of them.

I wrote a poem awhile back and dedicated it to the memory of someone respected and then someone in the know informed me he wasn't dead yet.

At my age lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Did you know the word LISTEN contains the same letters as SILENT?

I have seen a few places where under arm protection was a 45 caliber pistol in a shoulder holster.

Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

When I am not in my right mind my left mind gets pretty crowded.

The best audience is intelligent, well educated, and a little drunk.

My girlfriend said she couldn't kiss me because she had scruples. I told her that it would be alright as I'd been vaccinated.

Some cow herds are so exotic the owners have to learn to swear in three languages just to talk to their cows.

To put things in proper perspective, a cow chip is paradise to a fly.

I can't figure out how two teenagers can mate in the back seat of a Volkswagon when Fish and Wildlife says it takes 2000 acres for a pair of spotted owls.

It may be your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

The pessimist may be right in the long run but the optimist has more fun on the trip.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
*****************************

Anyway, you get the drift............




Thank-you again Mr soapweed....Those are very funny and a nice way to look at life...I guess he had lots of time on his horse,and wrote down his thoughts after each day....some make me laff out loud.and others just stop ya cold and sink in....It is men/women like this,that just spending a little bit of time with,one comes to be so much more enlightened on what just one day of life truely means....thanks again soap for letting me rescrew my head back on tighter......It was getting to loose and missing way to much of what past my eyes each day....
 

Soapweed

Well-known member
nonothing said:
Thank-you again Mr soapweed....Those are very funny and a nice way to look at life...I guess he had lots of time on his horse,and wrote down his thoughts after each day....some make me laff out loud.and others just stop ya cold and sink in....It is men/women like this,that just spending a little bit of time with,one comes to be so much more enlightened on what just one day of life truely means....thanks again soap for letting me rescrew my head back on tighter......It was getting to loose and missing way to much of what past my eyes each day....

By golly, there's hope for you yet, nonothing. :wink: Good deal. :)

Just out of curiousity, how old are you? I am 54, if you care.
 

Mike

Well-known member
Soapweed:I am 54

You musta robbed the cradle when you married PeachBlossom.

I be 54 also. But my wife is an old gal. She's 45.

What's it like being married to a much younger woman? :lol: :lol: :lol:

Tell her we asked!
 

Soapweed

Well-known member
Mike said:
Soapweed:I am 54

You musta robbed the cradle when you married PeachBlossom.

I be 54 also. But my wife is an old gal. She's 45.

What's it like being married to a much younger woman? :lol: :lol: :lol:

Tell her we asked!

I did rob the cradle, Mike, but not as bad as you. :wink: Peach Blossom is only 48, but much younger at heart even than that. I feel fortunate that she fell for an old guy. :)

Come to think of it, I've now been married for half my life.

Way back when I was 28 years old, I wore a watch that had been on my arm for half my life at that time. It was a $40 Bulova that Dad gave me for eighth grade graduation. That was quite a bit of money for a watch back in those days, but it lasted well. Now fifteen dollar Timex watches will last me fifteen years.

How did I get on that topic? :???:

Changing the subject again, it is 107 degrees here at noon today. My tractor got hot baling down in the swamps, so had to bring it in to blow it out. It is an air-cooled diesel Agco Allis 8630. Hopefully it will run cooler the rest of the afternoon.
 

Mike

Well-known member
I had guessed Peach Blossom to be in her early forties.

You can tell her we said that too!

How about a book report on the Fair Tax?
 

Soapweed

Well-known member
Mike said:
How about a book report on the Fair Tax?

In spending too much time on the bull session, I confess that I haven't read the Fair Tax book yet. Since you reminded me, maybe I'll read it tonight. It is sure too hot to go Saturday nightin'. :wink:
 

nr

Well-known member
Soapweed, if you quote much more of that book
it'll hardly be worth ordering it :lol: :lol:
"On introducing a speaker: "I don't know anything about this guy but if he's good let's hear him and if he isn't let's get it over with." This would have been a perfect opening for so many dull business meetings and classes! :x :mad:
 

Brad S

Well-known member
Soapweed, I think there is a different oil variety that may help your heating if the cleanup doesn't. THings cool off later this week. There were about 3 or 4 weeks in 1980 where we only ran tractors at night.




Poetry is a form of communication. Now I have always enjoyed Keats, Shelley, Burns, Longfellow and Kipling. On my first date, being kind of a country boy I took along a book of poetry to give to the girl. I asked her, "Do you enjoy Kipling?" She said, "I don't know, I've never been Kipiled."

that would be my kind of date, one that wouldn't condemn being kipiled 'til she tried it.
 

nonothing

Well-known member
Thanks again Mr soapweed.Was having a blah day and remember about this thread and how it put alot of lifes issuse in perspective...You can not help but grin,if not laff out loud at some of these quotes or antidotes if you perfere...I get carried away some times on proving pionts or worring to much about others on here...Its nice to catch yourself and realize that, life taken to serious makes one forget to stop and smell those roses..This friend of yours has seemed to smelt many roses in his days.Thanks again soapster.. :D
 

Soapweed

Well-known member
Here is some more from the book:

Ole took Lena out for dinner. They were in Minnesota and they drove down to New Hope. At the dinner Ole said, "Lena, would you like a cocktail?" "Oh, no," Lena said, "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" After a dinner of lutefisk or whatever they eat up there, Ole said, "Lena, would you like a cigarette?" "Oh, no," Lena said, "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" On the way back to Minneapolis, as they approached a motel, Ole said, "It's early, would you like to stop awhile?" Lena said, "Yah, I would." Ole was a bit taken aback and he asked, "What will you tell your Sunday School class?" Lena said, "The same thing I always tell them; you don't have to drink or smoke to have fun." :wink:

Ole advertised a boat for sale. His neighbor said, "Ole, you ain't got no boat. All you got is a tractor and a combine." "Yah," Ole said, "And they are boat for sale."

A Polish pirate is a pirate who wears a patch over both eyes.

Politicians are like polkas. They have different names but they all sound the same.

Many politicians are like gomer bulls. They try hard but accomplish nothing.

Eugene McCarthy said, "Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand it and dumb enough to think it's important."

A police recruit was asked what he would do if he had to arrest his own mother. He said, "Call for a backup."

I was stopped by a patrolman for driving 53 miles per hour in a 35 mile per hour zone. I told him I was dyslexic.

Have you ever noticed, anyone who drives slower than you is an idiot, and anyone who drives faster is a maniac?

My cousin got arrested for driving too slow. That's what I mean, he was driving too slow and the police caught up with him.

When I was in the Navy, I was in this foreign town where within a few blocks and fifteen minutes, for five dollars you could get a tattoo, a glass of gin, and a social disease and have money left over.

I overheard two women talking. One said, "Periods are like airline food. You don't like it much but if you don't get yours, you holler, 'Hey where's mine?' "

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

I am a good example of a bad example.

The penalty for bigamy is two mothers-in-law.

What do you give a man who has everything? Antibiotics.

I am having a little trouble with an old football injury. Hemorrhoids. I spent a lot of time on the bench.

Man is the only animal that blushes; or needs to.

One way to be successful is to watch what the poor people are doing and then don't do that.

He is waltzing to a song no one else can hear.

I remember the story of a defendant being asked by the prosecution, "Did you kill John Jones?" The defendant said, "No, I did not." The prosecutor said, "I might remind you that perjury is a criminal offense. Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?" And the defendant said, "No, but I would guess it is less than the penalty for murder."

Upon being served a huge steak this diner remarked, "I feel like Dolly Parton's first child. Is all that for me?"

Here is one of Jack's poems:

Mountain Oysters

Had a craving for some mountain oysters just the other day.
Going home the butcher shop was right along the way.

So I stopped in and told him I thought I'd take a pound.
Then I asked him about the price while checking the ground round.

He said, "They cost ten bucks a pair," and never blinked an eye.
With that I put my money back and decided not to buy.

I told him a price that high really was a sin.
Then I asked him, "What's that thing you have upon your chin?"

He said, "It's a dimple I was born with and then he asked me 'Why?"
I said, "I thought it was your navel, your testicles are so high."
 

nonothing

Well-known member
Soapweed said:
Here is some more from the book:

Ole took Lena out for dinner. They were in Minnesota and they drove down to New Hope. At the dinner Ole said, "Lena, would you like a cocktail?" "Oh, no," Lena said, "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" After a dinner of lutefisk or whatever they eat up there, Ole said, "Lena, would you like a cigarette?" "Oh, no," Lena said, "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" On the way back to Minneapolis, as they approached a motel, Ole said, "It's early, would you like to stop awhile?" Lena said, "Yah, I would." Ole was a bit taken aback and he asked, "What will you tell your Sunday School class?" Lena said, "The same thing I always tell them; you don't have to drink or smoke to have fun." :wink:

Ole advertised a boat for sale. His neighbor said, "Ole, you ain't got no boat. All you got is a tractor and a combine." "Yah," Ole said, "And they are boat for sale."

A Polish pirate is a pirate who wears a patch over both eyes.

Politicians are like polkas. They have different names but they all sound the same.

Many politicians are like gomer bulls. They try hard but accomplish nothing.

Eugene McCarthy said, "Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand it and dumb enough to think it's important."

A police recruit was asked what he would do if he had to arrest his own mother. He said, "Call for a backup."

I was stopped by a patrolman for driving 53 miles per hour in a 35 mile per hour zone. I told him I was dyslexic.

Have you ever noticed, anyone who drives slower than you is an idiot, and anyone who drives faster is a maniac?

My cousin got arrested for driving too slow. That's what I mean, he was driving too slow and the police caught up with him.

When I was in the Navy, I was in this foreign town where within a few blocks and fifteen minutes, for five dollars you could get a tattoo, a glass of gin, and a social disease and have money left over.

I overheard two women talking. One said, "Periods are like airline food. You don't like it much but if you don't get yours, you holler, 'Hey where's mine?' "

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

I am a good example of a bad example.

The penalty for bigamy is two mothers-in-law.

What do you give a man who has everything? Antibiotics.

I am having a little trouble with an old football injury. Hemorrhoids. I spent a lot of time on the bench.

Man is the only animal that blushes; or needs to.

One way to be successful is to watch what the poor people are doing and then don't do that.

He is waltzing to a song no one else can hear.

I remember the story of a defendant being asked by the prosecution, "Did you kill John Jones?" The defendant said, "No, I did not." The prosecutor said, "I might remind you that perjury is a criminal offense. Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?" And the defendant said, "No, but I would guess it is less than the penalty for murder."

Upon being served a huge steak this diner remarked, "I feel like Dolly Parton's first child. Is all that for me?"

Here is one of Jack's poems:

Mountain Oysters

Had a craving for some mountain oysters just the other day.
Going home the butcher shop was right along the way.

So I stopped in and told him I thought I'd take a pound.
Then I asked him about the price while checking the ground round.

He said, "They cost ten bucks a pair," and never blinked an eye.
With that I put my money back and decided not to buy.

I told him a price that high really was a sin.
Then I asked him, "What's that thing you have upon your chin?"

He said, "It's a dimple I was born with and then he asked me 'Why?"
I said, "I thought it was your navel, your testicles are so high."



loved the peom,its a nice night time read i am thinking....a book you can pick up anytime and produce a smile.....keep em comming soapster,i think they are awesome...
 

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