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Hangover Ratings...

ranchwife

Well-known member
sw said:
seeing those stories reminded me of the one about the baked beans that was posted on Ranchers a long time ago, maybe even before the format was changed. Can't seem to find it, has to be here somewhere, laughed so hard it hurt, think that's where my ranchers addiction started :wink:

sure would be nice if you could find that one and repost it for all of us who could use a good laugh!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 

ranchwife

Well-known member
passin thru said:
The thing that irritates me the most is when the cat stomps his feet on the carpet...........I know he does it on purpose.

:lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: ...thank goodness I can honestly say I have NEVER been there...guess I just do not know what I am missing!!
:wink:
 

the_jersey_lilly_2000

Well-known member
Here's the one about the Tazer........for those that are newer to the board and didn't get to read it.......


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Friends,

My wife Sandy is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for Sandy. The occasion was our 9th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, google-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out - way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeee. I am easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Sandy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog Skeeter looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Skeeter) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Skeeter for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet puppy, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Sandy to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses purched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumfrence, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea what followed. I'm sitting there alone. Skeeter looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?) I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight - always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*******! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Skeeter was standing over me making huffing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent trashing about on the floor. If you are lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. (How did they get there???) My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs, give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seem my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em...sure would like to get 'em back.
 

passin thru

Well-known member
I wonder if he ever found em............ :shock:




Things that are difficult to say when you are drunk:

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate






Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
 

Hanta Yo

Well-known member
the_jersey_lilly_2000 said:
Here's the one about the Tazer........for those that are newer to the board and didn't get to read it.......


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Friends,

My wife Sandy is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for Sandy. The occasion was our 9th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, google-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out - way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeee. I am easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Sandy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog Skeeter looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Skeeter) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Skeeter for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet puppy, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Sandy to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses purched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumfrence, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea what followed. I'm sitting there alone. Skeeter looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?) I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight - always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*******! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Skeeter was standing over me making huffing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent trashing about on the floor. If you are lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. (How did they get there???) My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs, give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seem my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em...sure would like to get 'em back.




516.gif
 

ranchwife

Well-known member
does anyone out there happen to have a copy of the "CHILI CONTEST" joke??? this is another one that had me howling...alot like the hot-wax joke...gonna have to look around and see if I can find it...I bet, though, that one of you wonderful Texans know the joke I am referring to...think it had to do with a northerner who was asked to judge a texas chili cook off!! OMG...FUNNY!!!!!
:lol: :lol: :lol:
 

Hanta Yo

Well-known member
ranchwife said:
does anyone out there happen to have a copy of the "CHILI CONTEST" joke??? this is another one that had me howling...alot like the hot-wax joke...gonna have to look around and see if I can find it...I bet, though, that one of you wonderful Texans know the joke I am referring to...think it had to do with a northerner who was asked to judge a texas chili cook off!! OMG...FUNNY!!!!!
:lol: :lol: :lol:


There was a joke about beans, sw was just trying to figure out who posted it so he could bring it up...we think it was posted before this new forum...

It's kinda goes like this, a man has a birthday, on his way home, he stops and eats beans, he loves them but they don't like him... farts all the way home, his wife greets him at the door, blindfolds him and sits him at the table, she gets a phone call, he makes a gawdawful fart PPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFTTTTTT thinking she's away, and when she comes back she takes the blindfold off.... anyone remember that one??? sw, along with all you guys don't make these requests, I guess that's why you have a WOMAN in your life :wink: :wink: :wink: :wink:
 

ranchwife

Well-known member
A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you.

Note: For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Boston, Massachusetts.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy chili, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili..
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of
the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really made me mad that the other judges asked me to stop screaming 'Those rednecks".

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic - Superb!
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Thanks for finding this one for me, RR!!!! :wink: :wink: :wink:
 

Hanta Yo

Well-known member
I remember that one, RW!!

Does anyone remember anything about the guy who ate the BEANS??? It was posted on here once upon a time, but it was a loooong time ago.l
 

Hanta Yo

Well-known member
Hanta Yo said:
I remember that one, RW!!

Does anyone remember anything about the guy who ate the BEANS??? It was posted on here once upon a time, but it was a loooong time ago.l

I went into the archives and I still can't find it :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:
 

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