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History

OldDog/NewTricks

Well-known member
ANCIENT TO MODERN HISTORY

A Condensed Version


Humans originally existed as members of small bands of
nomadic herders/gatherers. They lived on deer in the
mountains during the summer, and would gravitate to the sea
coast and live on fresh fish and lobster during the winter
months.

The two most important events in all of their early history
were:

1. The invention of the wheel, and

2. The invention of beer.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundations of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity
into two very distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals

2. Conservatives

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and certain
other products, and that was the beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum cans had been
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around
waiting for them to be invented, they just camped close to
the brewery. That's how villiages came into being.

Some humans spent their days tracking and killing animals
to barbecue, which they ate at night while they were
drinking their beer. This was the beginning of what is now
known as the Conservative Movement.

Other humans who were weaker and less skilled at hunting
learned to live off of the Conservatives by showing up
nightly for the barbecues, and doing sewing, fetching, and
hairdressing. This was how the Liberal Movement came into
being.

Some of these Liberals eventually evolved into women. The
rest became known as Girlie-Men.

Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,
group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting so as to
decide how to divide the meat and beer that the
Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the
largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals, it must be noted, became symbolized by the
jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but
most prefer white wine and imported bottled water. They eat
raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and
French foods are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting
evolutionary side note, most of the women have higher
testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood, and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals
invented the designated hitter rule for baseball because it
wasn't fair to make the pitcher also to have to bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and
still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game
hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers,
firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, athletes, and generally anyone who works
productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
Conservatives because they are dedicated to work for a
living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They are dedicated to
try governing. They govern the producers and decided what
to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are
more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming
to America. They started creeping in after the
Conservatives tamed the Wld West. They then continued their
business of trying to obtain something more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be
noted that a Liberal may have an inordinate desire, a
momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before
forwarding it.

A Conservative will merely laugh and be so convinced of the
obvious truth found herein, the absolute truth in history,
that it will be forwarded immediately to other
Conservatives and true believers. And also, to as many
Liberals as reasonable, just to piss them off!
 
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