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Joke

OldDog/NewTricks

Well-known member
Cinderella wanted to go to the Ball soooo Bad
Godmother wanting to help and Defray Cost she made many things out of a Pumpkins - - with the WARNING

Get home by midnight or you diaphragm will turn back into....

Two day later she showed up in disarray –

Godmother wanting to know –
where have you been? –
Where is your diaphragm???

I'm in love - I met a prince - my lovely Prince

Godmother asked –

What was his name?

Oooh - Jeee's I don't knowww - Peter/Peter/Somethin?????
 

OldDog/NewTricks

Well-known member
My Favorite Joke to tell: (to girls or mixed company)
I get request to tell it..
I need to set it up by acting really really Drunk…
The joke goes like this:

A (Canadian) Bulldogger Friend of mine was walking down the street past a line of Tailor Shops in Oakland.
As he walked he just shoved people out of his way.
One Slightly Built (American) Tailor said:
Hey Cowboy _ You can’t just walk down the street shoving people out of your way!

The Cowboy said:
I’m a Bulldogger _ Look at the size of my arms _ Look at my chest _ as I walk by you need to get the #*%& out of My Way.

To this the Tailor Replied:
It’s not right that you treat people that way _ God makes everyone equal in some way or other.
Look at me _ my arms are not that big _ My chest is not that big _ but as I say _ God evens people up in some way (he says as he unzips his pants and reaches inside and pulls out his - - - -
(Some Girls look away) (Some Girls just Look)
-
-
-
- - - His Shirt tail _ Where Else Can You Get This Quality For $10.95
 

jigs

Well-known member
I got my uncles on this one a few weeks ago...

they were all meeting at my late grandmothers house because a few were back visiting from Texas...I offered to bring sweet corn out for lunch.
well I pull in and tell them I regret it, but I need to charge $5 a dozen for the corn...only because I got a ticket on the way out there...they asked if it was for speeding...
No, I say... i was driving along on the deserted road, and had to pee...so I stop whip it out and here comes the Sherriff!!! charged me $1,400.00 !!!!
of course they are all flabergast at the outrageous fine...then one asked "why so much"
I reply " Public nudity...I guess they charge $100 an inch!!


quite the tall tale to use in the bars too....
 

Kato

Well-known member
Ok, this seems to be the time and place for this one.

A rodeo cowboy from Saskatchewan landed in the hospital with a broken leg. When the nurse went to give him a sponge bath, she saw he had a tattoo on his privates that said "Shorty". She was shocked, but didn't say anything. Later on she was talking to her co-worker, and told her about it. The second nurse was also surprised at why a man would do that. "Don't worry," she told her friend, "He is kind of cute, and he asked me out on a date after his leg heals, and I said I'd go. I'll ask him why he got a tattoo like that, and I'll tell you."

Well, time passed, the cowboy's leg healed, and he had his date with the nurse. The next morning she went back to work to tell her co-worker what she found out about the tattoo.

"Well, I found out about the tattoo." she said. "First of all, it didn't say Shorty."

"What it really said was "Shorty's Bar and Grill, Shaunavon Saskatchewan."

I guess they're his sponsors.
 

gcreekrch

Well-known member
Fred Engebritsen was a lifetime batchelor of Norwegian descent. He lived to his late 80's and was one of the real charachters in our community.
One story that came about shortly before he passed on came from a short stay he had in the Bella Coola Hospital.
As the hospital serves a very local group of peopla and everybody knows everybody the nurses, when giving the oldtimers a sponge bath, will cover their private area with a towel and let the patient look after that when the rest of the bath is done.
This nurse completed what she intended to do and told Fred that he could finish up.

Fred replied, "Go ahead.......it's not dangerous......any more." :D
 

Trinity man

Well-known member
Here a few I have had over the years.


The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why? "The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."


A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy."Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands."Actually, no" he replies."Can you get him for me -- I need to speak to him." She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently."Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."


A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cell phone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

That should have you rolling. :wink:
 

Trinity man

Well-known member
The Polite Way To Pee:

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

"What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"


The teacher fainted...
 

Trinity man

Well-known member
In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, "Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them."

She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers.

Little Suzie raises her hand.

Suzie: "I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched."

Teacher: "That's a good story, now what is the moral?"

Suzie: "Don't count your chickens before they are hatched."

Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?"

Ralphie: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke."

Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?"

Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Teacher: "Very good Ralphie, anyone else?"

Little Johnny: "Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife."

Teacher: "Very interesting, Johnny, what is the moral to your story?"

Little Johnny: "Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's drunk."
 
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