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Kinda funny

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Soapweed

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This came in an e-mail.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull.
People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids: lucky buggers.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay.
If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people.
Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be in the morgue. Congratulations Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge jerk.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier!
By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.
It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too doggoned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M.
If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries.
You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: This one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
"27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.
 

MsSage

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New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M.
If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

Hmmmm guess soap didnt get the memo about chocolate being a food group.
When you hit menopause and get pms at the same time TRUST ME you NEED do you hear me NEED the bigger M&Ms :p
 

Rowdy Ranch

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Yep, there were some funnies in there! :D Haven't had much of a chance to read much on here lately.
 

Jinglebob

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They all came from Bill Maher. He was good when he first started his show, but about the time they switched him to network TV, he got to be a real pain in the butt.

New Rule: Actors and comedions on TV have to have a disclaimer saying that the the viewer should remember that the views of these people should be taken lightly, as they couldn't survive in the real world, and once they got their cushy TV and movie job, they think it must have made them instantly smart. They are not!

If you are going to tell the rest of us how to live and what is right or wrong, go get a real job in the real world. They have played make believe for so long that they start to believe all of the suck ups who tell them they are so smart. If they were really that smart, they'd be running the network or making the movie, not working on it, or in it! If all of them people were so smart, LA and Hollywood would be the most wonderful place in the world and ther would be no crime or problems out there. there would never be a firee or a mudslide. 'Cause all them SMART people we see on the TV would have fixed everything.

End of rant, back to your regularly scheduled Ranchers.net! :wink:
 

montana cowgurl

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lol yep i got those in an email too, along with some other really funny stuff that ill have to find and post someday :roll: :wink:
 

ranchwife

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whewwwww!! I thought I was the only one who was getting bombarded with those stupid classmates.com ads!!! :lol: LOVE the rules!!
 

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