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late night with Obama

Steve

Well-known member
"The mystery is over. After a month of waiting, it turns out that an 84-year-old woman in Florida has won the $590 million Powerball lottery. As for how much tax she's going to have to pay, the IRS said it's too early to tell because they don't know whether she's a Republican or Democrat." –Jay Leno

"The IRS spent $4 million on a conference in Anaheim that included luxury hotel suites, passes to theme parks, and tickets to sporting events. They say they're not sure of the exact amount they spent because they didn't keep any receipts. I think Wesley Snipes is saying, 'Hey, what about me? I didn't have my receipts.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama has called on Congress to pass a media shield law that would allow reporters to do their job without fear of government prosecution. Don't we already have that? It's called the First Amendment." –Jay Leno

"Last night at a fundraiser in Washington, First Lady Michele Obama got into a heated face-to face confrontation with a heckler who turned out to be a lesbian. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said this story just keeps on getting hotter and hotter." –Conan O'Brien

"IRS executive Lois Lerner has refused to quit and will collect her full pay and benefits while on administrative leave. They asked her to resign. She refused to go. Where in the real world does that ever happen? You get fired and you tell your boss, 'I'm going to stay, and I want my money.' And you wonder why we're $16 trillion in debt." –Jay Leno

"Mayor Bloomberg now says he's outlawing sugary drinks. Look at this way: crime, meth labs, collapsing buildings – all not a problem. Sugary drinks? you are going to prison. You're going to do hard time." –David Letterman

"During his trip to Brazil on Friday, Joe Biden said he was having such a good time that he didn't want to go home. And that was just while he was riding on the baggage carousel at the airport." –Jimmy Fallon

"This week President Obama is going to be engaged in high-level talks with the president of China. Yes, President Obama's message to China is going to be, 'I swear we'll have the money for you by Tuesday.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A new study just came out. It found that KFC sells 25 pieces of fried chicken a second. Yes. It was 50 pieces a second, but then Chris Christie had his stomach stapled." –Conan O'Brien

"Actor Steven Seagal is now in Russia. He is meeting with Vladimir Putin. Is this what American foreign policy has come down to? Dennis Rodman is in North Korea. Steven Seagal is in Russia. What's next? Are we air dropping Gary Busey into Syria? Maybe Snooki goes to Iraq?" –Jay Leno

"This latest California wildfire is getting pretty scary. But Governor Jerry Brown has it under control. He said he is going to tax and regulate the fire until it gets fed up and moves to another state." –Jay Leno

"Someone again sent the deadly poison Ricin to President Obama through the mail. These dumbasses, do they really think Obama opens his own mail? He doesn’t' even know what the IRS and the Justice Departments are doing." –Bill Maher
 
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