OldDog/NewTricks
Well-known member
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all
afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at
8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to
take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and
dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an
affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying
bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but
always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a
healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the
nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever
seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the
father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful
daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around
behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and
made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever
seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I
can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive
private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and
took it home.
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said
to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her
husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed
baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, "
pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the
room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought
one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen
and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like
that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me
a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu
and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a
bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who
owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your
wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to
his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked
up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best friend,
and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the
poison work."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all
afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at
8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to
take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and
dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an
affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying
bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but
always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a
healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the
nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever
seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the
father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful
daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around
behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and
made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever
seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I
can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive
private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and
took it home.
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said
to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her
husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed
baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, "
pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the
room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought
one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen
and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like
that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me
a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu
and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a
bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who
owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your
wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to
his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked
up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best friend,
and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the
poison work."