http://www.theonion.com/articles/paranoid-duck-convinced-cia-killing-off-us-bird-po,18953/
TULSA, OK—Claiming with certainty that government agents were behind the unexplained deaths of several thousand redwing blackbirds in Arkansas this month, a mallard duck voiced suspicions Tuesday that the CIA has conducted a decades-long covert operation to decimate the nation's bird population.
The duck spoke on condition of anonymity, telling reporters he or members of his flock could face reprisal for exposing the truth about what he called a "secret war" against avian wildlife.
"Five thousand birds drop dead out of the sky, and no one has any explanation whatsoever," said the duck, nervously waddling back and forth. "The mainstream media tells us it's an isolated event caused by atmospheric conditions or fireworks, but that doesn't add up. How could it, when there are powerful interests with high-level connections you and I can't even imagine issuing direct orders to murder birds?"
The duck asserted that the recent incident was only the latest in a series of similar CIA experiments, but was particularly damning because numerous eyewitnesses spotted mysterious military jets flying overhead minutes before the birds suddenly plummeted to the earth. He also cited unconfirmed reports that officials in hazmat suits arrived at the scene within the hour to examine the corpses.