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Putting the squeeze on love...

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Liberty Belle

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Putting the SQUEEZE on love
by Gary Hodgson

I recently stumbled onto what probably is the most
important discovery of our century. It's nothing
insignificant like the fountain of youth, a cure for
the common cold or intelligent life on Mars (or in
Washington DC). Nope, I've really discovered
something.

I've discovered the secret to a long, happy marriage.
If couples contemplating marriage will follow my
directions, they will know immediately if they are
marrying the right person. My secret?

A SQUEEZE CHUTE!

Yep, those hinged, noisy, finger-pinching,
knuckle-rappin', labor saving devices mark the hidden
path to marital bliss.

Forget showers for the prospective bride that only
give her the impression that her towels will always
match and her life will always have a place for a
cappuccino machine. Discontinue bachelor parties
where the groom gets the idea he'll still be able to
get together with his buddies once in a while to have
a wild "boys night out" without suffering dire
consequences.

Instead of these time-honored and totally misleading
traditions, here's my plan. Weeks before the wedding,
before the invitations have been printed and the
church reserved, assemble the bride, groom, and about
70 uncooperative crossbred cows and one of the
industry's best squeeze chutes. The goal: With no
outside help, let the two lovebirds process the cattle
through the chute. Once this has been done, if
they're still speaking to each other, this marriage
will last. In short, all the problems a couple can
encounter in life will be addressed right then and
there.

First, there's the question of authority. Who will be
in charge? The boss, you see, gets to run the chute.
The submissive partner brings the cattle up the alley
to the chute.

Once that issue has been addressed, there's the
question of forgiveness. There'll be one old cow that
does not want to go up the alley to the chute. She
fights, bellers, and flings all kinds of bodily fluids
over the one trying to coax her up the alleyway.
Finally, after risking life and limb, the cow charges
up the alley and right out of the chute. The "boss" on
the head gate will likely miss her. How's the old
forgiveness test going?

Also there are lessons concerning compatibility to be
learned. An aggressive "type A" personality on the
chute won't be satisfied with the performance of a
laid back "type B" bringing the cattle up. Hollering
"more cattle" about 11 times usually brings a
premature halt to the test proceedings.

I know this system works. Not that long a go, I
helped my oldest daughter and her husband work cattle
at their feedlot. I was impressed at how well they
worked together all day long. (He runs the chute; she
always has one ready to enter). Those two will make
it way past Valentine's Day.

My first wife and I worked cattle together. That's
probably why I must distinguish between first and
second when speaking of wives. My present partner in
life and love helped me put 400 yearling heifers
through a chute on one of our dates. Any gal who
could stand that is okay by my book. I ran the chute,
but she told me how. That's pretty much still our
system and it's a good one.

So, the next time you see a couple looking all
gooey-eyed at each other, don't buy them a toaster;
get 'em a "Powder River" squeeze chute instead!
 

Been There

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Snubbin’ Post

Long ago the snubbin, post, It gave up the ghost,
like so many things from the past.
Old-timers will tell that it’s just as well,
some old ways don’t last.

Weathered and grooved, worn shiny smooth,
from countless coils of hemp.
Snubbin’ post dues was many a bruise,
in a wild and wooly attempt,
to subdue a cow, those old boys knew how,
needin’ doctorin’, or a sawed off horn.
From that hard strain, in some cowboy’s brain,
…the idea of the squeeze chute was born.
 

Jinglebob

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Been There said:
Snubbin’ Post

Long ago the snubbin, post, It gave up the ghost,
like so many things from the past.
Old-timers will tell that it’s just as well,
some old ways don’t last.

Weathered and grooved, worn shiny smooth,
from countless coils of hemp.
Snubbin’ post dues was many a bruise,
in a wild and wooly attempt,
to subdue a cow, those old boys knew how,
needin’ doctorin’, or a sawed off horn.
From that hard strain, in some cowboy’s brain,
…the idea of the squeeze chute was born.

That's a good 'un! :)
 

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