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IL Rancher

Well-known member
my wife and I and the kdis went into Chicago today to visit her sister. She just recently seperated from her Husband who she has been with for near 20 years (Married about 10)... they have three kids and I couldn't help but notice how much those kids didn't want us and the other brother and sister in laws to go.. Usually it was not big deal and I would be looking forward to getting out of there. My brother in law is not going about this the wrong way and won't even return phone calls to his kids (12,11,6) and I think it is really getting to them, even though their mom says that they have been great during this (Of course at the same time she says things that makes me realize she knows all is not great).... Today.. It was hard to leave, spent most of the time there letting my 12 year old niece, who is a spinal caner survivor, make fun of me and talking to her.. Guessing they miss having a dad around as my wife's three brothers that were there got a lot of kid attention too.. Just sad..

I drove home and just wondered what kind of man could take out the divorce on his kids like this.. I guess you have a choice if you are going to get divorced, do what is best for the kids and yourself in the long run or be an idiot and forever poison the futute... Kind of left a sad feeling to what would normally be a happy get together... Have a feeling I will be seeing a lot of those kids this winter and summer... Good, we will have to go fishing or something.
 

Gulchrider

Well-known member
IR; Sadly, many divorcing couples use the kids as pawns to manipulate one another. Many times the absent parent will have little to do with his/her kids. It's a good thing they've got you to help fill the gaps in. They'll adjust as kids are pretty resiliant. Do all you can for them. The rewards will be huge in the future.
You're a good man!
 

Faster horses

Well-known member
You are a good man, IL Rancher. So neat that you understand
some of what those kids are going through.

Too bad someone can't make their dad realize his role in
taking care of his kids. There is too much of this going on
in our world. I didn't know how bad divorce was on a kid until
it happened to our grandson.

They never get to spend holidays with both parents, ever again.
They have to choose, or take turns. I know that is small in the
whole scope of things, but it just tears me up. And the functional
family life is denied them.

It's a never ending thing. Divorce between two adults is one
thing, but when kids are involved they always pay the price.

Good for you, for realizing these kids are going to need you.
Your wife has a winner, for sure.
 

jigs

Well-known member
18 months ago my little brother finalized his divorce, three girls between 5 and 8. the girls are tossed between the mom and dad. the mom is a party girl, leaves the kids in some very bad situations..... dad moved home with my folks and lived there now for two years. so on his weekends with the girls, my mom is basically doing EVERYTHING for them. if they stay here when visiting for a family gathering, he just assumes my wife will take care of them.

I have hounded him on his role as a man, but rather than suck it up and be a man, he wants to cry about how tough he has it....very hard to take.

I am sure his life sucks right now, but how do you step in an get a guy to do the right thing??
 

Gulchrider

Well-known member
Take 'im out behind the woodshed and give him a big-brother talkin' to! I have a very low tolerance for folks who bring kids into the world, then don't step up and take responsibility for them.
 

IL Rancher

Well-known member
His father in law (Who happens to mine as well) warned him about it the last time they seperated (That seperation ended when he agreed to go to rehab) that whatever happened he was still those kids father and if he was smart he would do right by them. Which is differnt f myaher in law to say it that way becaue he is more of a teller than an advicer... There were stories I heard that made me surprised that he didn't beat the tar out of this guy, or have someone do it for him. But I think he speaks from experience as his success in marriage has not been good and I think he has learned a lot about parenting by making every mstake possible, Oh well, I digress.

This might sound real cold and I am sure the kids don't feel this way yet but I personally think that if their dad can't get his act together with substance abuse and other issues that they just might be a heck of lot better off without him around, as hard as it is right now..

My wife and sister in law and all of my brother in laws are either products of diivorces or failed relationships before marriage even happened... I still see what the divorce did to my wife 15-18 years after the fact (although it was more to do with the lifestyle leading up to the divorce than the divorce itself. That divorce probably saved her from a life of very bad things)
 

Mrs.Greg

Well-known member
Just be the best Uncle you can....I'm not sure he'll ever step up to the plate if hes not now. Gregs brother left his family when the kids were 12 and 14,just walked out and really never looked back :evil: Greg has been an awesome uncle to these two kids,and they've never forgot it,my niece said to me a couple weeks ago after telling me her dad once again wouldn't make the family Christmas.."At least I can always count on Uncle Greg" Those kids need a stable man in thier lives.I believe ILRancher you realize that :)
 

IL Rancher

Well-known member
Oh he didn't leave his wife, she kicked his arse to the curb.. He is just taking his hurt out on the kids too instead of just her.. This, unfortunately, was a long time coming. I could go on for pages about what he has done (And what she has done too to be honest) but that is besides the fact.. The kids did nothing.

There is an unrealistic fantasy when it comes to marriage and relationships in this country. Everyone expects everything to be hunky dorey from day one and that the honeymoon will last forever. MY wife and I were together for a long time before gettng married, dated 8 years basically before we tied the noose :lol: and we had our ups and downs and it taught us that thigns aren't always peffect and just becasue you have a disagreement with soeone doesn't mean they don't love you or that the relationship is flawed beyond repair.. Have seen it a lot even at the dating stage, a lot of relationships can't get past the first fight

MY wife and I had a long talk on the two hour drive home about family and what we wanted.. I think things are going to be changing..Need to have more fun with the kids and each other so we can forget about the stresses in life together.
 

ranchwife

Well-known member
ILRancher---those kids are very lucky to have a male role model in their life such as you!!!!!!! PLEASE stand by them....thier lives are gonna be forever changed (I say this all from painful experience)!!! Divorce is NEVER easy, but there are ways of making it less painful on the children involved....unfortunately, it takes BOTH parents making the commitment to BE THERE for the kids!!! I will pray for those kids and for mom to have the strength to do what is necessary to protect those kids!! How very, very sad!!! :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:
 

EastTexasGal

Well-known member
I have to say I admire you IL. My ex was quiet similar to the brother in law you described. Lasting affects are there with the my sons especially, even with my dad and brother stepping up to give my youngest men as a father figure, they were not his dad. The oldest was 18 but, to this day has affliction to what is really a family..he has matured and has made a great life for himself. But, he still has the abandonment syndrome, and I hope that he learned to not make the mistakes of his father. My youngest struggles daily with his emotions and is now 20 he was 12 when his dad left. He has real committment problems with most everything he wants in life. He has worked through a lot...but, there are always going to be some emotional turmoil in these kids. I think when there is substance abuse, it is hard for these kids to see that it was the best thing for the family that the dad left. They just know that dad is not there.

Good luck with this IL...and I do hope that the sister in law will put the kids into counseling group of sorts. The churches normally have a great youth group with a director that counsels...it helped with my youngest. Things could have been a lot worse than they turned out here.

You are a special person to be able to step up and say I will HELP.


Easty
 

fedup2

Well-known member
When my older brother died from his injuries from Viet Nam, his two sons would call me at least twice a week. I made it a point not to dispense advice, I mostly listened. When they were in their teens & wanted a car, I bought them a lawn mower & a weed eater. I told them they could have most any car they wanted, all they had to do was earn it. They worked hard and did it. I paid twice as much for the car than I sold it to them for, but to this day, they don’t know it. They learned a very valuable lesson about working for what they wanted.

As they grew older and moved out, they continued to call. Their mother became upset because they spent more weekends at my place than hers. I was supposed to chew them out about this and that because I was the only one they would listen to. I did not do this as I would have drove them away just as she did by trying to control their lives and making their decisions for them. They talked out most of their problems to me with just a little input from myself. I bit my tongue until it bled at times, but mostly listened. They needed someone to talk to.

They have both grown into fine young responsible men who still keep in contact with me almost weekly. I guess my only point in this story is, do not try to be or replace their father. Be their friend. Be there to listen. Let them know they have someone to talk to and someone who cares. I was never afraid to say ‘NO’ when I had to, but I gave them reasons. The “because I said so” never did cut it with me or them.

I also think those kids are lucky to have you & your wife, IL Rancher. It won’t be easy but, together you will all make it. I wish you and yours the best.
 

PureCountry

Well-known member
Looking back on my divorce - which I try not to do that often - I can see things now that I've aged some, that I could never see back then. I'll always regret most of the hurtful things my ex-wife and I did to one another, just because once you age a bit and reflect, you realize how the long-lasting effects of such things impact you for years after. And of course, how they impact your children. My daughter is now 10, and the questions that she asks are a constant reminder of mistakes-gone-by.

Now when I see younger couples fighting or having trouble, it pains me to watch without saying something or stepping in. I have on a few occassions, and sometimes I believe it has helped. There are always those who will not accept help, or believe they don't need it. Those are the ones that trigger me to repeat some words of wisdom my Dad shared with me. It was in the midst of my divorce, when I was trying to make my ex stay home and quit drinking. I had gone walking a fair ways out into our pasture, and he came out and found me and said "Son, you can't pull someone out of a hole, until they're ready to stop digging."

The real wisdom in those words didn't sink in for a long time, maybe years, but it meant so much. I couldn't pull my wife out of her hole, but my Father pulled me out of mine. Sometimes it's tough to walk away from those kinds of situations, but at times we must realize that, as sad as it is, we can't do everything for everyone. Good luck to you ILRancher, and all the best to your family.
 
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