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Shop Tools and What They Are Used For

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SASH

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> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then
> throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
>
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
>
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
>
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog crap off your boot.
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-I NCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
>
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
>
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
>
> DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
>
> EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
 

Jinglebob

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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
:shock: Hey those are just too true! :x

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I like your saying at the bottom of the posting. :)
 

fedup2

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Very good. Now if they could explain why the head that flies off of that old hammer, has to hit the only clock hanging in your shop, it would help!
Also, why that old cresent wrench is still around. The one that if you hold the screwdriver on the spiral just right and hit it with your hammer, you can get it to go from 9/16 to 5/8 just one more time. It saves having to get up and walk over to the work bench to get the right wrench!

How about that new telescoping swivel end magnet that will stick to anything except that darn nut you dropped! And how does that nut bounce off of 5 accessories, two belts, the cross member, and land in that pan of oil or anti-freeze under the truck every time!

Maybe I'm just lucky! :lol:
 

the_jersey_lilly_2000

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fedup, that sounds like "Mechanic's roulet"(sp) I can see it now, under the hood, or on the creeper, and hollerin....."Oil bucket, oil bucket, oil bucket"

After reading this and spending all of last weekend down at the shop helpin Mr Lilly clean up. I finally, after sweepin for hours, started on the tools, oh man, he must throw alotta tools, found stuff he hadn't seen in months, maybe even years!!!! But I just started pilin "like items" together so he can go thru it later and put it up.

The Shop broom was a problem for me. that thang ain't good fer nothin but makin a woman mad!!! :mad: it won't get into the tight corners or under the big shop tools, lathes, drill press, stuff like that. so I told him, goin to the house to get my kitchen broom, I can operate that one!!!
He did buy me a new broom outta the deal.
 

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