Marriage Humor
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you!'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
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Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
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Son: ' Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, N O MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever .
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.'
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The Idahun's Doctor vist...
After his examination, the doctor said to the Idahun: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
"In fact, I do." said the Idahun. "After I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
After examining his wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh, that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time usually is in January, and the second time is in August."
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Rules of the Air
� Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
� If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
� Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
� The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
� The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, watch the pilot start sweating.
� When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
� A good landing is one from which you can walk a way. A great landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
� Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
� You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
� The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival: Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
� Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
� Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
� Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
� There are three (3) simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
� You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
� Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
� If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
� In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
� Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
� It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
� Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
� The three (3) most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you!'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: ' Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
_____________________________________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, N O MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever .
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.'
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Idahun's Doctor vist...
After his examination, the doctor said to the Idahun: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
"In fact, I do." said the Idahun. "After I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
After examining his wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh, that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time usually is in January, and the second time is in August."
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Rules of the Air
� Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
� If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
� Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
� The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
� The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, watch the pilot start sweating.
� When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
� A good landing is one from which you can walk a way. A great landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
� Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
� You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
� The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival: Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
� Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
� Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
� Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
� There are three (3) simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
� You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
� Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
� If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
� In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
� Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
� It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
� Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
� The three (3) most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.