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Some jokes

Faster horses

Well-known member
I'm bored, waiting for the brisket to cook and friends to show up,
so here's a couple of jokes:

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?""I sure did," responded the pessimist. "Your dog can't swim!"
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A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong. The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."-
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A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he'd had enough.The bartender said, "I've got to ask you. What's with the pocket business?""Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer's picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I've had enough."
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A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders.The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door.The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells, "Hey, what do you think you're doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you're just going to leave?"The panda bear answers calmlly, "I'm a panda bear." The bartender says, "Yeah, so?" The panda bear replies, "Look it up," and walks out the door.The bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up "panda bear," and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear.He reads the caption, which says, "Panda Bear--a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves."
 
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