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Ranchers.net

A think tank called the Council on Foreign Relations says we should "create a common North American community by erasing the borders between Canada and Mexico within five years." Pardon my saying so, but this is one idea that should have been drowned in its own think tank.

The only benefit I can think of to being one huge country is that Alaska will finally feel embraced, but terrorists and illegal aliens still won't have to have a valid driver's license to travel between all 89 states of the United Provinces of Mexico.

The Council on Foreign Relations says it's time we all "start thinking like citizens of North America and treat the U.S., Canada and Mexico as one country." Here's how I envision our new country might look:

Anthem: God Save the Star Spangled Banner as played by a mariachi band.

Motto: In Manana We Trust.

Flag: An eagle holding a snake while perched on a red, white and green Union Jack.

Language: Frenglish, consisting in its entirety of three words: Eh! Que? Huh?

Capital: Mexico, Missouri, due to its central location.

National Holiday: Canada and Mexico currently have holidays we don't celebrate, and I cannot see them getting too excited about Columbus Day, so in the spirit of cooperation I suggest we light firecrackers on Cinco de Mayo to celebrate Boxing Day. (We might also have to rewrite a few history books.)

Law Enforcement: The FBI and CIA will become the Royal Mounted Border Patrol.

National Pastime: A combination of baseball, hockey and bullfighting where the bulls are on steroids, the ballplayers have no front teeth and the fans still get gored. Alas, there remain issues left to be resolved, such as: Is soccer really football?

Currency: The Loonie Peso.

National Mascot: A cross between a Labrador Retriever and a Mexican Hairless Chihuahua, to be called a Hairless Labrahuahua, that won't get you wet when it shakes off after a swim.

Income Tax: 50 percent, unless you cheat or are a tax-dodging CEO, which I realize, is redundant.

Health Insurance: Free health care for everyone, which means the government will pay you to buy your prescription drugs in Canada and your illegal drugs in Mexico. You can go there for your cancer treatments too ... just don't drink the water.

National Food: A salmon hamburger with a side of frijoles, or cod tongue wrapped in tortilla washed down with a buckwheat tequila smoothie. Hmmmmm, good!

Average Temperature: Average your 10 degrees in the Yukon with 120 in the Yucatan and all of us Latin Eskimos can enjoy a nice balmy day of 60 degrees while we sit in our adobe igloos watching Mexican soap operas with French subtitles.

National Bird: The Bald Canadian Goose, which now needs no passport to fly south to Acapulco for the winter. But then neither will suicide bombers of the jihad.

Government: There will be two parties, the Republican Socialist Conservatives and the Democrats in Labor. Every six years they will elect a Prime President Minister to preside over the ruling body, The Privy Council, which has absolutely nothing to do with outdoor toilets. Those who sit in the Privy, so to speak, will spend most of their time taking siestas and getting little done, while multinational corporations will pay them off with what is known in Mexico as "mordida." In the former country of the United States we called it "soft money" or PAC's. In other words ... nothing will change.

Pledge of Allegiance: I pledge allegiance to big business and to the almighty dollar for which it stands, one continent, indivisible, with a Wal-Mart, free trade and poverty for all.
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