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The Chile Taster

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sw

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Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when
the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards
from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the
look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting s##t-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bi#$h is starting to look HOT,
just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pi$$es
me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I s#$t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she
must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my a$$ with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like crap to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch
hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot
chili?
FRANK:
-------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)--------------------
 

EastTexasGal

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LMAO..I had to laugh hard at this one SW. I come from a big BBQ and Chili cookoff community. I have seen some of these judges they pull in from different places, especially the politicians. OMG they were funny to watch. Very funnyyyyy!! Thank you muches, I sure needed that laugh.

Easty(Dawana)
 

MsSage

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Well atleast you didnt tell about me adding ranch dressing to the Picante sauce "mild" yeah right that stuff could peel paint.
Dont think I will ever get use to eating that stuff...GOOD thing it is NOT required for me to become a citizen of Texas :wink:
 

greg

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Funny,I learned not to ever say,not hot enuff,brother-in-law ordered screaming hot once just about killed me!
 

ranchwife

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What a VISUAL!!! Thanks forthe much needed bellylaugh to end my day at work....gonna have to show this to my co-worker as she and I both have a morbid sense of humor when it comes to those noisy and sometimes smelly bodily functions!! :lol: :lol: :shock:
 

Jinglebob

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the_jersey_lilly_2000 said:
Ya'll all need to take a trip down to Terlingua Texas to the chili cook off down there and find out what "real" chili is.

You all need to come up here along about the middle of December or on into January, and find out what real "chilly" is! :lol:
 

nenmrancher

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Sorry I just cant resist the urge to be just a little onrey. :twisted:

But everyone one knows that if you want good Chili you should stay out of Texas and head straight for NEW MEXICO!!!!! :lol:

Them Texans just dont know how to do it right!!!
 

the_jersey_lilly_2000

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cookoff.jpg

Now THAT's a chili cookoff!!!!

Each year on the first Saturday of November CASI holds the ultimate celebration of Chili. This grandaddy of all chili cookoffs is held at Rancho CASI de los Chisos in Terlingua, Texas. Rancho CASI is located on the North side of Highway 170, eleven miles West of Study Butte and 7 miles East of Lajitas.
The four day celebration begins each year on Wednesday before the big weekend, and culminates on Saturday with the Terlingua International Chili Championship©. It's a Texas tradition of epic proportion - complete with an annual proclamation from the Governor declaring "Chili Appreciation Society International Day" in Texas!
 

the_jersey_lilly_2000

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Have you ever been? There's boatloads of really good chili down there, and some that's 'not so good' too, but those aren't the winners. Lots of fun too. People come from all over the world to cook chili down there. This years winner was from Boerne Tx.....wonder if haymaker knows her.
 

HAY MAKER

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Nope,it,s fact,the best chili is right here in TX,I gotta lil place up the way that I go to come Sunday morning early,one bowl of that stuff will cure whatever is ailing you,mighty good stuff for hang overs ,colds flu,whatever,I been told it even cured an ole coot of erectile dysfunction .............good luck
 

Maple Leaf Angus

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the_jersey_lilly_2000 said:
Ya'll all need to take a trip down to Terlingua Texas to the chili cook off down there and find out what "real" chili is.

Is that anywhere near Quintanas? I have some family down there right now and they are going to a chili cookoff this weekend.
 

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