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Ranchers.net

Putting the SQUEEZE on love

>by Gary Hodgson

>

>I recently stumbled onto what probably is the most important discovery

>of our century. It's nothing insignificant like the fountain of youth,

>a cure for the common cold or intelligent life on Mars (or in

>Washington DC). Nope, I've really discovered something.

>

>I've discovered the secret to a long, happy marriage.

>If couples contemplating marriage will follow my directions, they will

>know immediately if they are marrying the right person. My secret?

>

>A SQUEEZE CHUTE!

>

>Yep, those hinged, noisy, finger-pinching, knuckle-rappin', labor

>saving devices mark the hidden path to marital bliss.

>

>Forget showers for the prospective bride that only give her the

>impression that her towels will always match and her life will always

>have a place for a cappuccino machine. Discontinue bachelor parties

>where the groom gets the idea he'll still be able to get together with

>his buddies once in a while to have a wild "boys night out" without

>suffering dire consequences.

>

>Instead of these time-honored and totally misleading traditions, here's

>my plan. Weeks before the wedding, before the invitations have been

>printed and the church reserved, assemble the bride, groom, and about

>70 uncooperative crossbred cows and one of the industry's best squeeze

>chutes. The goal: With no outside help, let the two lovebirds process

>the cattle through the chute. Once this has been done, if they're

>still speaking to each other, this marriage will last. In short, all

>the problems a couple can encounter in life will be addressed right

>then and there.

>

>First, there's the question of authority. Who will be in charge? The

>boss, you see, gets to run the chute.

>The submissive partner brings the cattle up the alley to the chute.

>

>Once that issue has been addressed, there's the question of

>forgiveness. There'll be one old cow that does not want to go up the

>alley to the chute. She fights, bellers, and flings all kinds of

>bodily fluids over the one trying to coax her up the alleyway.

>Finally, after risking life and limb, the cow charges up the alley and

>right out of the chute. The "boss" on the head gate will likely miss

>her. How's the old forgiveness test going?

>

>Also there are lessons concerning compatibility to be learned. An

>aggressive "type A" personality on the chute won't be satisfied with

>the performance of a laid back "type B" bringing the cattle up.

>Hollering "more cattle" about 11 times usually brings a premature halt

>to the test proceedings.

>

>I know this system works. Not that long a go, I helped my oldest

>daughter and her husband work cattle at their feedlot. I was impressed

>at how well they worked together all day long. (He runs the chute; she

>always has one ready to enter). Those two will make it way past

>Valentine's Day.

>

>My first wife and I worked cattle together. That's probably why I must

>distinguish between first and second when speaking of wives. My

>present partner in life and love helped me put 400 yearling heifers

>through a schute on one of our dates. Any gal who could stand that is

>okay by my book. I ran the chute, but she told me how. That's pretty

>much still our system and it's a good one.

>

>So, the next time you see a couple looking all gooey-eyed at each

>other, don't buy them a toaster; get 'em a "Powder River" squeeze chute

>instead!
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