- Apr 12, 2008
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September 3, 2011
The 'Yes We Kenya Clan' Reality Show
By Jeannie DeAngelis
If America thinks Dancing with the Stars featuring Nancy Grace, Chaz Bono, and Carson Kressley is going to be interesting, just think what a hit a reality show starring the eclectic, zany cast of Barack Obama's Kenyan family members would be.
With the Dunham-Hawaiian/Obama-Kenyan/Soetoro-Indonesian family tree, over the past few years it's become hard to keep track of all the president's Kenyan paternal cousins, step-grandmothers, half-brothers, half-sisters, aunts, and uncles.
To remedy that confusion, America may be willing to explore the exotic and agree to overlook molestation, DWIs, and illegal status for a couple of months, invite the Obama clan to a huge mansion in the style of the Bachelor Pad, and before the 2012 election really get to know what ancestral dysfunction shapes Barack's behavior.
The premise of the "Yes We Kenya Clan" reality show would be to see which family members can ingratiate themselves to the president to the point where he actually acknowledges that they're blood relatives.
Whoever survives for the duration will get to move out of his or her respective housing project, be granted amnesty, or be excused from jail time or probation.
On the finale, the president, under duress, will "share the wealth" by either inviting the winner to the White House for Thanksgiving, pulling some strings with the INS or British law enforcement, or volunteering to finance their living expenses by doubling his/her income from $1 to $2 per month.
Let's face it: for a president supposedly so concerned with fairness, there is a glaring inequity when it comes to relatives. Heck, Marian Robinson lives in the White House, eats kale from the organic garden, and globe-trots with daughter Michelle on the taxpayers' dime. Yet Barry's Aunt Janie hasn't even attended a backyard BBQ or slept over once in the Lincoln bedroom.
The "Yes We Kenya Clan" reality series could premiere with the Obamas piling out of a stretch limo in front of a luxurious temporary home, greeted by Kenyan musicians.
The stars could be interviewed by a Chris Harrison type who can ask all of them how they feel about their famous relative and to give a short synopsis of their I'm-related-to-Barack strategy for the show.
Afterwards the family can all settle into the mansion where Jersey Shore's Snooki and The Situation could make a surprise visit to coach the stars on what types of scenarios make for successful reality TV.
To loosen up the kinfolk, Aunt Hawa Auma can tell stories in front of the fireplace about her brother, Barack's polygamist father, a Harvard grad who called himself Dr. even though he got thrown out of the doctoral program at Harvard for womanizing. Hawa can share how, before being killed in a drunken car wreck in 1982, the patriarch who spent his life boozing and bragging about his superior intelligence managed to get around town after losing both his legs in a prior drunk-driving accident.
At family-style roasted goat dinners, step-Granny Sarah Onyango Obama can share memories of Obama's late paternal grandfather Hussein Onyango Obama. In the book Dreams from My Father, Granny Sarah told Obama that "[e]ven from the time that he was a boy, your grandfather Onyango was strange. It is said of him that he had ants up his anus, because he could not sit still."
If they agreed to participate, the president's colorful array of half-brothers and sisters would add texture to the endeavor. There is Malik/Obongo, Auma, and Bernard, all of whom will likely be relatively well-behaved. However, the ladies should watch out if alleged half-brother Abo, also known as Samson, shows up on set, because things could become treacherous for them.
Samson is the Barack-brother barred from the UK after being accused of, but not prosecuted for, sexual assault while living in Britain illegally.
They could also have half-brother Mark Okoth Obama Ndesandjo, brother to David Ndesando (also known as David Opiyo Obama, who lost his life in a tragic motorcycle accident).
Then there's Obama's youngest brother, George, who adds the "reality" to the reality show. George is famous because while his flesh-and-blood brother lives in the White House helping the poor with other peoples' money, little brother lives on "less than a dollar a month" in a "six-by-eight foot corrugated metal shack in slums of Huruma Flats in Nairobi."
In the crazy uncle department, there's Yusuf and Sayid and the notorious Uncle Omar. Omar, the president's half-uncle, lives illegally in Massachusetts just a stone's throw from sister Auntie Zeituni, another illegal alien living off the Boston taxpayers in a government-subsidized housing project, who was granted asylum by the US.
Uncle Onyango Omar, who has evaded deportation since 1992, was recently arrested after rolling through a stop sign while driving drunk and nearly being rear-ended by an unmarked police car. His blood relation to the president became obvious when, after being pulled over, Uncle O immediately tried to argue that the police officer was in the wrong and should have yielded to him.
Uncle O stands to gain the most if he manages to convince Obama to invite him to the White House, especially after calling while nephew was on vacation in Martha's Vineyard and finding nobody home. Omar needs bail money; he could also use some amnesty and an extended president-financed stint in rehab.
Who eventually emerges the winner and stands to potentially gain legal citizenship or have their "get out of jail free" card reissued isn't important. What matters is that America will finally get to intimately know the warm family circle of upstanding Kenyan/British/illegal immigrants that comprise the president's distinguished lineage on his father's side.
Sure, Samson will have to be kept away from female camera crew and production staff. And Uncle Omar will have to be restricted from the wet bar and swimming in the heated pool with a cocktail after dark, as well as banned from driving golf carts.
And while the potential is there for a few sleazy Jersey Shore-like episodes and an occasional rowdy brawl, the benefits outweigh the cost. Because just like the promise of "Hope and Change," whenever Barack Obama is involved there's always a price to pay. However, this time around, it may be worth it because before the 2012 election, after four years of puzzling behavior, America may want to know beforehand what really makes the man with the "Yes We Kenya" bloodline tick.