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This is funny and worth reading

RoperAB

Well-known member
The Complete Military History of France
Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Norse Invasions: Lost. King Charles the Simple buys peace with the Norsemen by giving them Normandy.

Moorish Invasions: Lost. Charlemagne scoots behind the Pyrennes.

Third Crusade: Philip Augustus gets mad at Richard the Lion Heart and goes home.

Seventh Crusade: Lost. St. Louis' crusade to Eqypt resoundingly crushed.

Eighth Crusade: Lost. St. Louis goes to Tunis.

Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates the


First Rule of French Warfare:
France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.
Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre: Won, because the opponent was also French.

The Dutch War: Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as de Gaulle Syndrome, and leads to the


Second Rule of French Warfare:
France only wins when America does most of the fighting.
This was part of a much larger worldwide war against the British, which the French lost since the Americans weren't participants.
French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. France introduces the world to the guillotine and the Terror.

Quasi-War: Tied. France, angry that the US normalized relations with the British, seizes US ships in the Caribbean and decrees war on American shipping worldwide. France conveniently ignores that the US and France have a treaty of alliance that effectively makes the US a subject state of France. American envoys in Paris are told that they must pay a $250,000 bribe to the French Foreign Minister and a $10,000,000 "loan" to France before the French will even consider negotiations (XYZ Affair). US refuses to pay, builds up a navy which promptly seizes 80 French ships, and continues to sue for peace. Delighted British offer aid to the US against the French. Ends when Napoleon seizes power in Paris and abandons North America. Napoleon also agrees to abrogate the unequal treaty of alliance, making the US truly independent for the first time. Produces the


First Rule of American Diplomacy:
You'll regret making any alliance with the French.
The US makes no other treaties of alliance for nearly 150 years.
Haitian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a European army by African slaves, and produces the


First Rule of African Warfare:
We can always beat the French.
The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

India: Lost, to the British.

Mexican Empire War: Lost. Napoleon III takes advantage of US Civil War to invade Mexico. Collapse of the Confederacy dashes plans to invade Louisiana. Saber-rattling by reunified US leads to hasty French withdrawal, leaving puppet Austrian "Emperor of Mexico" to face a Mexican firing squad.

The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

Panama Jungles: Lost this time to vegetation and mosquitoes.

World War I: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II (first act): Lost to the Germans. Conquered French liberated, against their will, by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

World War II (second act): Lost to the Italians. True, the Germans already had France on the ropes, but nevertheless France is the first and only country to ever lose three wars when fighting Italians!

World War II (third act): Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French: its Jewish population. Vichy government consistently gives Germans more than the Germans ask when it comes to anti-Semitic policies.

World War II (fourth act): Won, due to the fact that the opponent was a French woman. In what is perhaps the vilest act ever committed by any French government, the Vichy government guillotines Marie Latour for the "crime" of abortion.

World War II (fifth act): Lost, this time to the Americans in North Africa. Ostensibly independent collaborationist Vichy government immediately occupied by Hitler, putting to an end the myth of "unoccupied France." Vichy remains popular with the French people until it became clear that Germany was losing the war.

World War II (sixth act): Reminiscent of the American Revolution, France claims a win even though the British and Americans did all the work (remember the Second Rule!) of liberating France, and the British, Americans, and especially the Russians did all the work of defeating Germany. France demands (and, amazingly, gets) a spot as one of the victorious Allies; and even more amazingly gets a permanent seat on the UN Security Council.

War of Indochina Independence: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu. The US, forgetting the First Rule of American Diplomacy, steps into the mess and spends the next 20 years getting out.

War of Algerian Independence: Lost after 8 brutal years of fighting. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the


First Rule of Muslim Warfare:
We can always beat the French.
This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Haitians, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
Ivory Coast Conflict: On the way to losing (remember the First Rule of African Warfare!).

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. With fond memories of its World War II (third act) victories, forms new military alliance with Germany against the US.

60th Anniversary of D-Day: France repulses an invasion of elderly British veterans who seek to attend memorial ceremonies on the beaches of Normandy.

October, 2005: France passes a law making it mandatory for school textbooks to teach that French colonialism was "positive" ("school programs recognize in particular the positive character of the French overseas presence, notably in North Africa"). This provision is part of a law recognizing the "national contribution" of Frenchmen who colonized Algeria for 132 years and who fought on the losing side of the War of Algerian Independence (see above).

Today: The French government raises its terror alert level from run to hide. The only two higher levels in France are surrender and collaborate. The raise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed one of France's white flag factories, disabling their military.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be


Can we count on the French?
but rather

How long until France collapses?
 

Steve

Well-known member
Jacques Chirac, President of France - "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"

Rush Limbaugh - "As far as France is concerned, you're right."

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French".

Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier? A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.

Q: Whats the difference between a frenchmen and a bucket of bull.....? A: The bucket

Q. How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French? A. I give up.

Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? A. Nobody knows. It's never been tried.

Q. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel? A. So the French government could to flee to London.

For Sale, French Military Rifle. Never fired, dropped once.

After the fireworks at EuroDisney, a whole company of French Army soldiers tried to surrender.


Newspaper Headline: Thousands rally against far-right in France; millions surrender

France is always there when they need US

Fighting a war without the French is like going duck hunting without an accordion
 

Steve

Well-known member
on another subject:
president Bush is at OPEC ( the oil producing countries Association)

After a day of negotiations the king of Suadi Arabia invites him to his house sits him down and starts chatting away.

He says "you know what Bush my son thinks America is great he loves it he wants to go live over there".

Bush replies, "well yeah, America is pretty great we'd love to have him over, what in particular does he like about us".

The Suadi says, "well he absolutly loves Star Trek he's got the costumes and I bought him all the DVD's and the ears".

Bush replies, "yeah Star Trek is a classic I like that show". Before he can finish the Suadi interupts and says, "you know we just can't understand one thing about Star Trek."

Bush, looking confident says, "ask me maybe I can help".

The Suadi ask's, "you know theres white people, black people even Asian people in star treck but why are there no Arabs".

Bush with a grin on his face say's, "well thats an easy one its cause Star Trek is set in the future".
 

Jinglebob

Well-known member
Steve said:
on another subject:
president Bush is at OPEC ( the oil producing countries Association)

After a day of negotiations the king of Suadi Arabia invites him to his house sits him down and starts chatting away.

He says "you know what Bush my son thinks America is great he loves it he wants to go live over there".

Bush replies, "well yeah, America is pretty great we'd love to have him over, what in particular does he like about us".

The Suadi says, "well he absolutly loves Star Trek he's got the costumes and I bought him all the DVD's and the ears".

Bush replies, "yeah Star Trek is a classic I like that show". Before he can finish the Suadi interupts and says, "you know we just can't understand one thing about Star Trek."

Bush, looking confident says, "ask me maybe I can help".

The Suadi ask's, "you know theres white people, black people even Asian people in star treck but why are there no Arabs".

Bush with a grin on his face say's, "well thats an easy one its cause Star Trek is set in the future".


Fighting a war without the French is like going duck hunting without an accordion

Now these are funny!



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