Faster horses
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- Feb 11, 2005
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*Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners *
*1. *
Never take a beer to a job interview.
*2. *
Always identify people in your yard before shootin them.
*3. *
It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
*4. *
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
*5. *
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it
is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral
home.
*Dining Out *
*1. *
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with
your fingers covering the label.
*2. *
Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the
restaurant may not have dogs.
*Entertaining In Your Home *
*1. *
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist.
*2. *
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good
his manners are.
*Personal Hygiene *
*1. *
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
*2. *
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several
days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of
good money.
*3. *
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the
taste of finger foods.
*Dating (outside the family) *
*1. *
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the
first date.
*2. *
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
bathroom wall two years ago."
*3. *
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM ; others might say "Monday." If the
latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get
her to school on time.
*4. *
Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance,
such as, "Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal."
*Weddings *
*1. *
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
*2. *
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
*3. *
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty
an appearance.
*4. *
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
special occasion.
*5. *
It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is
in the sack.
*Driving Etiquette *
*1. *
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the
gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
*2. *
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the
largest tires always has the right of way.
*3. *
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape..
*4. *
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
*5. *
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially
when driving.
*6. *
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
*Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder: *
*1. *
All the DNA is the same.
*2. *
There are no dental records
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*1. *
Never take a beer to a job interview.
*2. *
Always identify people in your yard before shootin them.
*3. *
It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
*4. *
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
*5. *
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it
is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral
home.
*Dining Out *
*1. *
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with
your fingers covering the label.
*2. *
Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the
restaurant may not have dogs.
*Entertaining In Your Home *
*1. *
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist.
*2. *
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good
his manners are.
*Personal Hygiene *
*1. *
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
*2. *
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several
days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of
good money.
*3. *
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the
taste of finger foods.
*Dating (outside the family) *
*1. *
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the
first date.
*2. *
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
bathroom wall two years ago."
*3. *
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM ; others might say "Monday." If the
latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get
her to school on time.
*4. *
Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance,
such as, "Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal."
*Weddings *
*1. *
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
*2. *
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
*3. *
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty
an appearance.
*4. *
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
special occasion.
*5. *
It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is
in the sack.
*Driving Etiquette *
*1. *
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the
gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
*2. *
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the
largest tires always has the right of way.
*3. *
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape..
*4. *
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
*5. *
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially
when driving.
*6. *
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
*Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder: *
*1. *
All the DNA is the same.
*2. *
There are no dental records
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Discover the new Windows Vista Learn more!
