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Travel tips from the Obama Administration

VanC

Well-known member
In the spirit of President Obama’s international apology tour, and in conjunction with our colleagues in the mainstream media who have seized the opportunity of Obama’s ascendancy to offer advice as to how traveling Americans might comport themselves in a fashion that demonstrates the true essence of hope and change, we have compiled the following list of travel tips.

Learn some key words in the local language that will allow you to engage in some dialogue. We’ve found that learning to say "war crimes", "culturally-equal brethren", "Zionist killers" and "looming environmental catastrophe precipitated by American greed" should be enough to get you involved in the standard overseas cafe chatter.

If someone asks you if you’re American, it’s best to answer, “I’m from the land of which you speak, but consider myself a citizen of the world.” If you sense hostility, do not wait. Quickly curl into the fetal position and repeat, “On behalf of America, I apologize!” until unconcious, or the beating stops.

A good rule of thumb is to bow to everyone you come across. While this may seem excessive, remember that American hegemony has been far more excessive. Chances are, you owe some act of contrition to that person.

Avoid mention of the word ”Bush” unless it is preceeded by “evil” or followed by “Hitler.” This should quickly identify you as an englightened member of the world community, and protect you from the impulsive yet understandable rage that often ensues when the victims of our previous President hear his name mentioned. Importantly, follow this rule even when describing landscaping. An American woman on a garden tour in France was recently pelted with croissants after remarking, “What a lovely bush.”

If you must talk about American celebrities, make sure you limit it to one that your enlightened hosts find palatable, like David Hasselhoff, Jerry Lewis, and Ryan Seacrest.

Once you have your travel itinerary in place, it’s become customary to send preemptive apologies to the country before you travel. This certainly does not preclude you from apologizing in person when you arrive, but helps frame the tone of your trip in advance. Remember that some helpful Foreign Travel Apology Forms have been made available by the Obama Administration at whitehouse.gov.

When visiting African countries, remember to have your reparations payment in the form of small arms ammunition, lion repellent, or anti-malarial drugs. It is considered poor form to pay tribute to more advanced cultures in American dollars.
 
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