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"White Smoke" a possible false alarm?

littlejoe

Well-known member
VATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report)—A puff of white smoke over Vatican City today raised hopes among the faithful who jammed St. Peter’s Square until an official spokesman explained that the Vatican was “just burning some documents.”

“Wednesday is the day we traditionally burn documents and other legal evidence, and we totally forgot about the white smoke thing,” the Vatican spokesman said. “We apologize for any misunderstanding this might have caused.”


After cheers went up from the thousands gathered outside the Sistine Chapel, the spokesman said, “We were like, ‘Uh-oh.’ We stopped shovelling papers into the blast furnace immediately.”

“We still have thousands of documents to destroy this week, but we don’t want a replay of what happened today,” he said. “One of the cardinals is going to run out to Staples and get a shredder.”

As the conclave drags on to a third day with still no Pope, the spokesman acknowledged that the cardinals were having a harder time agreeing on a candidate than at the last conclave, in 2005: “This time around, we just don’t have a slam dunk with Hitler Youth experience


Read more: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2013/03/vatican-calls-white-smoke-a-false-alarm-we-were-just-burning-documents.html#ixzz2NRsmwEiv
 

Triangle Bar

Well-known member
UPDATE: BS News Network
Trenton, NJ

Today, Trenton has been awarded the contract to be the official
document disposer for the Obama Administration. This will undoubtedly be a
tremendous boost to the local economy. Construction plans for what will be
the world's largest manure digester is already in the works with ground
breaking planned for the spring of 2013.

Governor Chris Christie responded yesterday to citizen's concerns over the
building of the digester. "I've heard the good people of the state of New
Jersey asking questions about the potential smells or contamination of the
environment from these shipments of material. I want to assure them
that since my nose has been up Barry's backside, since that hurricane thing
hit, I won't be able to tell the difference. So it shouldn't be a problem."









Psyche 8)
 

hypocritexposer

Well-known member
Triangle Bar said:
UPDATE: BS News Network
Trenton, NJ

Today, Trenton has been awarded the contract to be the official
document disposer for the Obama Administration. This will undoubtedly be a
tremendous boost to the local economy. Construction plans for what will be
the world's largest manure digester is already in the works with ground
breaking planned for the spring of 2013.

Governor Chris Christie responded yesterday to citizen's concerns over the
building of the digester. "I've heard the good people of the state of New
Jersey asking questions about the potential smells or contamination of the
environment from these shipments of material. I want to assure them
that since my nose has been up Barry's backside, since that hurricane thing
hit, I won't be able to tell the difference. So it shouldn't be a problem."









Psyche 8)

:lol:
 

Steve

Well-known member
hypocritexposer said:
Triangle Bar said:
UPDATE: BS News Network
Trenton, NJ

Today, Trenton has been awarded the contract to be the official
document disposer for the Obama Administration. This will undoubtedly be a
tremendous boost to the local economy. Construction plans for what will be
the world's largest manure digester is already in the works with ground
breaking planned for the spring of 2013.

Governor Chris Christie responded yesterday to citizen's concerns over the
building of the digester. "I've heard the good people of the state of New
Jersey asking questions about the potential smells or contamination of the
environment from these shipments of material. I want to assure them
that since my nose has been up Barry's backside, since that hurricane thing
hit, I won't be able to tell the difference. So it shouldn't be a problem."









Psyche 8)

:lol:

The large document destruction facility has been moved to Camden NJ.. to provide needed jobs.. they will take over the former soup plant that has sat idle for decades ..

with the promise of thousands of new good paying jobs, the project has caused an unusual trend in able bodied residents fleeing to other blighted areas..
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
March 14, 2013

Unsuccessful Pope Candidate Blames Media

Posted by Andy Borowitz



VATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report)—This wasn’t how it was supposed to play out. For Cardinal Bonifacius Steuer, last night was supposed to be a time of celebration, when the Dutchman who had dreamed of being Pope ever since his boyhood days in Rotterdam would finally stand on the balcony at the Vatican, basking in the cheers of thousands of the euphoric faithful.

There are no cheers for Bonifacius Steuer today. Only empty silence, and time to reflect on what might have been.


“Look, I’m not going to lie to you,” Cardinal Steuer said, in his first interview since his bruising defeat. “It kills me not to be there, not to be in the Vatican doing what needs to be done.”

While Steuer said that he is “not going to get into that whole blame-game thing,” he sounded bitter when he spoke about the mainstream media. “People weren’t allowed to see me for who I was,” he said. “They made me look like I’m some rich, rich guy, when you know that I’m as poor as a church mouse.”

But what closed the deal for Pope Francis, Steuer believes, was his outreach to the poor, which the Dutchman calls a “failed policy of the past.”

“Look, if you go around saying, ‘the poor this, the poor that,’ you’re going to get a lot of support from people who want free stuff,” he said. “Francis’s campaign, if you will, focussed on giving targeted groups a big gift.”

Reflecting on the two-day conclave that chose someone else, Steuer was philosophical: “We were on a roller coaster, exciting and thrilling, ups and downs. But the ride ends. And then you get off. And it’s not like, oh, can’t we be on a roller coaster the rest of our life? It’s like, no, the ride’s over.”

Steuer said it’s “too early” to talk about his future plans, but that he first intends to sit down with his closest advisers to reflect on what went wrong this time around. “I’m going to meet with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, and I’m going to be like, ‘Come on, guys, don’t hold back,’” he said.

But even as he sounded an aggrieved note as he spoke about “the hand I was dealt,” Steuer seemed to reserve his harshest criticism for one person: himself.

“Look, at the end of the day, this is on me,” he said. “This was all about getting enough Catholic votes, and I didn’t get it done.”
.

Read more: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2013/03/unsuccessful-pope-candidate-blames-media.html#ixzz2NXDfokUI
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
Whats really comical is the advertisement that appears at the top of the page on ranchers.net with a picture of the new pope-- Asking if you Approve - and giving you a site to click on.....

First off I could care less who is the chosen champion of catholics- and secondly- they don't waste a minute to get any advertising up....
 

TexasBred

Well-known member
Oldtimer said:
Whats really comical is the advertisement that appears at the top of the page on ranchers.net with a picture of the new pope-- Asking if you Approve - and giving you a site to click on.....

First off I could care less who is the chosen champion of catholics- and secondly- they don't waste a minute to get any advertising up....

I'm sure the feeling is mutual. Sounds more like a poll put up by someone rather than advertising by the Church.

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gmacbeef

Well-known member
Can you imagine sending Crazy ass uncle Joe Biden to represent the U.S. at the Pope's installation ? How could anything POSSIBLY go wrong with that ? :wink:
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
DoritoCommunion_zps1ee9915b.jpg

Dorito Communion



CITING WILD SUCCESS OF TACO BELL’S “DORITOS TACO LOCO,” CATHOLIC CHURCH INTRODUCES NEW “NACHO CHEESE” AND “COOL RANCH” DORITO COMMUNION WAFERS

Posted on March 14, 2013 by The Citizen


DoritoCommunion VATICAN CITY – The Vatican today announced a bold first step in its new plan to make the institutional Church more appealing to modern, Western Catholics — particularly those living in the United States. That step comes in both Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch flavors.

“We’re very excited to announce today that the Vatican has entered a partnership with the good people at Frito Lay in order to bring the world a more desirable and yet wholly Vatican-endorsed Eucharist” stated newly minted Pope Francis the First. “Many of us in the Church have long understood that our institutions must adapt to service the changing cultural needs of modern, Western populations, and we can think of no better starting place for change nor better time to capitalize on the success of the Doritos brand.”

Indeed, the Dorito chip does seem to be on a bit of a roll as of late as Taco Bell just announced that its “Doritos Taco Loco” (a taco served inside a shell made of a giant Dorito chip) has become one of the biggest success stories in fast food history.

DLT_pdp_product_01“When we learned that Taco Bell sold 1 million Doritos Tacos Locos per day in 2012 – and that the company had to take on 15,000 extra employees just to deal with the popularity of the thing — well we just knew that we had our hook for reeling in those wayward Western Catholics,” stated a Cardinal close to the mater. “This thing has ‘hit’ written all over. I haven’t been so excited since the end of that fish on Friday nonsense with Vatican II.”

Asked whether or not his South American roots had anything to do with this announcement, Pope Francis responded, “You’re pulling this Popes robes right? Okay, genius. First, I’m of Italian extraction and second, if you think Doritos are from South America, you must be the dumbest person I’ve ever met. Idiot racist … Next question! ”

The Citizen regrets having asked.

The Catholic Church moves into the 21st Century.. :wink: :p :lol:
 

Red Barn Angus

Well-known member
Ya know, OT, I'm not sure if you are trying to be funny or what but if you are you are failing miserably. I am not Catholic but there is nothing to be gained by making fun of the church and their method of choosing a Pope.
 
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Anonymous

Guest
Red Barn Angus said:
Ya know, OT, I'm not sure if you are trying to be funny or what but if you are you are failing miserably. I am not Catholic but there is nothing to be gained by making fun of the church and their method of choosing a Pope.

My mother would have described you as one of those folks that walk around with a corn cob stuck up their arse...
Some folks just want to hate everything and everyone so bad- they couldn't laugh at a joke-- even if they did get it... :roll:
 

Larrry

Well-known member
It my grandad would have described you by saying "you'll find there alot more horses azses in this world than there are horses heads"
You have done a super job to throw that 1 to 1 ratio out the window
 

hypocritexposer

Well-known member
Oldtimer said:
Whats really comical is the advertisement that appears at the top of the page on ranchers.net with a picture of the new pope-- Asking if you Approve - and giving you a site to click on.....

First off I could care less who is the chosen champion of catholics- and secondly- they don't waste a minute to get any advertising up....

those ads are generated mostly by what you are accessing on the internet.

I was checking into new accounting software today. the ad at the top of ranchers is for one of the companies I checked out today.

I haven't seen any pope ads, because I haven't been doing pope searches.

but you have, havn't you OT?
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
hypocritexposer said:
Oldtimer said:
Whats really comical is the advertisement that appears at the top of the page on ranchers.net with a picture of the new pope-- Asking if you Approve - and giving you a site to click on.....

First off I could care less who is the chosen champion of catholics- and secondly- they don't waste a minute to get any advertising up....

those ads are generated mostly by what you are accessing on the internet.

I was checking into new accounting software today. the ad at the top of ranchers is for one of the companies I checked out today.

I haven't seen any pope ads, because I haven't been doing pope searches.

but you have, havn't you OT?

Just been reading up on the guy-- and the conspiracy theory's on how he was an accomplice with the Argentine Navy in kidnapping a couple of Jesuit Priests and holding them hostage for 10 months because he thought they were too liberal...
Sounds like he could easily become the Saint of this board with those type politics ... :wink: :lol:
 

Whitewing

Well-known member
Oldtimer said:
Red Barn Angus said:
Ya know, OT, I'm not sure if you are trying to be funny or what but if you are you are failing miserably. I am not Catholic but there is nothing to be gained by making fun of the church and their method of choosing a Pope.

My mother would have described you as one of those folks that walk around with a corn cob stuck up their arse...
Some folks just want to hate everything and everyone so bad- they couldn't laugh at a joke-- even if they did get it... :roll:

Where in the above comment was there even a hint of hate?

RBA offered an opinion (and good advice that an intelligent person would heed) that there is no upside to making fun of someone's Christian beliefs.

Was your mother as big a bigot as you?
 

TexasBred

Well-known member
Oldtimer said:
Just been reading up on the guy-- and the conspiracy theory's on how he was an accomplice with the Argentine Navy in kidnapping a couple of Jesuit Priests and holding them hostage for 10 months because he thought they were too liberal...
Sounds like he could easily become the Saint of this board with those type politics ... :wink: :lol:

You search out, find, read adn believe this stuff....then spread the lie. You're worse than an old woman.
 
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