A joke in honor of St Paddy's Day

[Goodpasture]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

 

[kris]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."



Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the m orning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

 

[Clarencen]

Kris:
There is more to that last one than just a joke. We ask for Gods help then when he gievs it to us, we try to take all of the credit. But on second thought, maybe he has planned it that way too. God also wants us to feel good about ourselves.

 

[kris]

Kris:
There is more to that last one than just a joke. We ask for Gods help then when he gievs it to us, we try to take all of the credit. But on second thought, maybe he has planned it that way too. God also wants us to feel good about ourselves.

How verrrrry true!!!!

 

[Anonymous]

Some Irish jokes:

Barty and his horse was trapped in a bog and seemed to be goners when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.
"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick!
D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?
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Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi... Darn! There goes another one!"

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"I've Lost Me Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.


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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
"Of course" The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in unison. About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender.
"The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"


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Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."

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Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."


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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his drink. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his drink and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm , he sent me glass's and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! "It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible? asked the doctor, "do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Flynns Pub again"