Soapweed
Well-known member
A friend sent these gems to me. I enjoyed them, and hope you do, too.
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As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every
part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. – John Glenn
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we
had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we
opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. – Desmond Tutu
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon
landing was faked. – David Letterman
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire. – Howard Hughes
After the game, the King and the Pawn go into the same box. – Italian proverb
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over
them for thirty years. – Betsy Salkind
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. – Jean Kerr
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take
out the garbage. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
– Jeff Foxworthy
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
– Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
– Emo Philips. (I really liked this one. CAS)
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. – Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. – Spike Milligan
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. – Robin Hall
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
– Jean Rostand.
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars
but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. – Arnold Schwarzenegger.
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. – W.H. Auden
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
– Jonathan Katz
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
– Arthur C Clarke
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a
man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. – Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. – Jimmy Durante
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. – Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. – George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
– Jonathan Winters
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. – Robert Benchley
It just dawned on me last night that if they took away my can opener, I wouldn't be able to cook. - Charli Sahara
Why A wife should trust her husband:
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the dining room to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
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Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three leading universities, were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from UCLA, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness", said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young lady from Clemson.
"Elation", she said.
"And you, sir," he said to the student from the University of Wyoming.
"How about the opposite of woe?"
The UW student replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."
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This is what happens when your child is exposed to too many commercials on TV.
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........
The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
**********************************************************
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every
part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. – John Glenn
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we
had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we
opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. – Desmond Tutu
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon
landing was faked. – David Letterman
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire. – Howard Hughes
After the game, the King and the Pawn go into the same box. – Italian proverb
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over
them for thirty years. – Betsy Salkind
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. – Jean Kerr
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take
out the garbage. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
– Jeff Foxworthy
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
– Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
– Emo Philips. (I really liked this one. CAS)
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. – Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. – Spike Milligan
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. – Robin Hall
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
– Jean Rostand.
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars
but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. – Arnold Schwarzenegger.
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. – W.H. Auden
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
– Jonathan Katz
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
– Arthur C Clarke
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a
man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. – Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. – Jimmy Durante
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. – Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. – George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
– Jonathan Winters
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. – Robert Benchley
It just dawned on me last night that if they took away my can opener, I wouldn't be able to cook. - Charli Sahara
Why A wife should trust her husband:
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the dining room to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three leading universities, were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from UCLA, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness", said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young lady from Clemson.
"Elation", she said.
"And you, sir," he said to the student from the University of Wyoming.
"How about the opposite of woe?"
The UW student replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is what happens when your child is exposed to too many commercials on TV.
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........
The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
