cutebabymaker
Well-known member
I got this outta an email.. almost fell outta my chair... OOHHH my side still hurts.. hope u guys enjoy. :wink:
sorry its so long.. well worth it...
stun gun
>> Dear Friends,
>>My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth
>>will be
>>something akin to! "Well, I have out done myself once again." No
>>doubt you
>>will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near
>>future.
>>Here goes.
>>Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that
>>tickled my
>>fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I
>>bought
>>something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd
>>anniversary and I
>>was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I
>>came
>>across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a
>>clip. For
>>those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
>>less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
>>designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage,
>>low
>>amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are
>>supposed to
>>be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
>>but
>>allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
>>prongs
>>into your 250-lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will
>>render
>>him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering,
>>pencil-neck
>>geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then
>>you're truly
>>missing out-way too cool!
>>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
>>two AAA
>>batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
>>so
>>disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
>>stinkin'
>>directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model
>>would not
>>create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love
>>fire for
>>effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed
>>it
>>against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity
>>darting
>>back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
>>I did
>>so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud
>>pop!!! Yippee.
>>. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to
>>explain to
>>Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
>>that it
>>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc.,
>>etc. There
>>I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
>>little
>>soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and
>>thinking
>>that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
>>target. I
>>must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a
>>second and
>>thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if
>>I was
>>going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a
>>mugger, I did
>>want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>>Was I
>>wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.
>>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
>>glasses
>>perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
>>hand, Tazer
>>in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
>>and
>>disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
>>muscle
>>spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
>>purportedly
>>make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
>>All the
>>while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
>>less than
>>3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
>>itsy,
>>bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
>>Friggin' way -
>>trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
>>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
>>best. Those
>>of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
>>followed. I'm
>>sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
>>side as
>>to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from
>>such a
>>tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational
>>thinking
>>under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give
>>myself a
>>one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad
>>decision is
>>like hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a
>>bad
>>decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the
>>time. Don't
>>ya hate that?)
>>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>>**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that The Rock ran
>>in
>>through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
>>body slammed
>>me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on
>>my side
>>in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
>>found
>>soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
>>position.
>>Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
>>before,
>>licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do
>>it
>>again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a
>>Tazer, one
>>note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when
>>you zap
>>yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
>>dislodged
>>from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if
>>you're
>>lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prong 1/4" deep in your thigh
>>like
>>yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!
>>A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
>>at this
>>point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
>>surveyed
>>the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the
>>fireplace. How
>>did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were
>>still
>>twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as
>>my bottom
>>lip weighed 88 lbs., give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>>By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away.
>>I'm
>>offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
>>handsome if
>>I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em
>>back. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
sorry its so long.. well worth it...
stun gun
>> Dear Friends,
>>My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth
>>will be
>>something akin to! "Well, I have out done myself once again." No
>>doubt you
>>will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near
>>future.
>>Here goes.
>>Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that
>>tickled my
>>fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I
>>bought
>>something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd
>>anniversary and I
>>was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I
>>came
>>across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a
>>clip. For
>>those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
>>less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
>>designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage,
>>low
>>amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are
>>supposed to
>>be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
>>but
>>allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
>>prongs
>>into your 250-lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will
>>render
>>him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering,
>>pencil-neck
>>geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then
>>you're truly
>>missing out-way too cool!
>>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
>>two AAA
>>batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
>>so
>>disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
>>stinkin'
>>directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model
>>would not
>>create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love
>>fire for
>>effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed
>>it
>>against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity
>>darting
>>back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
>>I did
>>so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud
>>pop!!! Yippee.
>>. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to
>>explain to
>>Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
>>that it
>>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc.,
>>etc. There
>>I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
>>little
>>soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and
>>thinking
>>that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
>>target. I
>>must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a
>>second and
>>thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if
>>I was
>>going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a
>>mugger, I did
>>want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>>Was I
>>wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.
>>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
>>glasses
>>perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
>>hand, Tazer
>>in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
>>and
>>disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
>>muscle
>>spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
>>purportedly
>>make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
>>All the
>>while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
>>less than
>>3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
>>itsy,
>>bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
>>Friggin' way -
>>trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
>>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
>>best. Those
>>of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
>>followed. I'm
>>sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
>>side as
>>to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from
>>such a
>>tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational
>>thinking
>>under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give
>>myself a
>>one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad
>>decision is
>>like hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a
>>bad
>>decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the
>>time. Don't
>>ya hate that?)
>>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>>**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that The Rock ran
>>in
>>through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
>>body slammed
>>me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on
>>my side
>>in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
>>found
>>soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
>>position.
>>Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
>>before,
>>licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do
>>it
>>again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a
>>Tazer, one
>>note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when
>>you zap
>>yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
>>dislodged
>>from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if
>>you're
>>lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prong 1/4" deep in your thigh
>>like
>>yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!
>>A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
>>at this
>>point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
>>surveyed
>>the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the
>>fireplace. How
>>did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were
>>still
>>twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as
>>my bottom
>>lip weighed 88 lbs., give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>>By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away.
>>I'm
>>offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
>>handsome if
>>I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em
>>back. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: