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A Little Consumer Help for that Alberta Trip

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Neil Waugh

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I spotted this on a fly fishin' board. Thought it might come in handy if you're thinking of hooking up the fifth wheel and heading north of the Medicine Line. Just so you don't suffer any culture shock.

Rules on Entering the Province of Alberta
1. Pull your damned droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? #1 and #16 go east and west, #6 and #2 go north and south. Pick one & go.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves at you. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat Beef and Bison. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held on the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age. Do it.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Barbecue Sauce.

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be the kind that is brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck and have long hair.

13. Curling and ice hockey is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

14 . Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try our U of A. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.
 

Silver

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Great post! It pretty much sums it up doesn't it?
 

Brad S

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"Great post! It pretty much sums it up doesn't it?"


If "IT" is convey hostility toward Americans, Great post. File under anklebiting.
 

Kato

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While we're at it, how about some Manitoba rules?

Rules on entering the province of Manitoba.

1. That's 100 kilometers an hour, Not 100 miles per hour!

2. Leave your smokes at home. Unless you like to stand out in the mosquito swarm (summer), or 40 below (winter) to have a puff.

3. All those blue fields are not water, they are flax. Unless it has rained in the past day.:shock:

4. If someone invites you to a social ..... GO.

5. The "Opener" is also a religious holiday here. Only surpassed by the "Spring Opener" which is the first day of fishing season.

6. If you see a bunch of trucks out on a frozen lake, they're not lost, they're fishing. If you see 500 trucks on a frozen lake in March, then you are in Daupin.

7. If someone offers you a perogie ... TAKE IT.

8. If you have trouble sleeping, don't come here in June. It doesn't get dark until 11.

9. If you like sleeping, come here in December. It gets dark at 4:30.

10. If you think you want to know what real cold is, come to Winnipeg in January, and take part in the rite of passage known as "Lick the Sleigh Handle". Then you will be an Honorary Manitoban. :D

They don't call it Friendly Manitoba for nuthin'.

TimH - SASH - MR - I bet you could add to this list....
 

TimH

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Kato- "TimH - SASH - MR - I bet you could add to this list...."

The only thing I would add is..... If you go to Winnipeg and you see people with bad hair-cuts and cheap suits(or body piercings), slap them REAL hard in the side of the head. These are the people that vote Liberal or NDP. :)
 

jigs

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TimH said:
Kato- "TimH - SASH - MR - I bet you could add to this list...."

The only thing I would add is..... If you go to Winnipeg and you see people with bad hair-cuts and cheap suits(or body piercings), slap them REAL hard in the side of the head. These are the people that vote Liberal or NDP. :)


sounds like California!
 

SASH

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TimH - SASH - MR - I bet you could add to this list....

When somebody waves to you in Manitoba, you probably don't know them. We're just friendly up here.

Sure, we have some of the coldest winters on earth and some of the most barren landscape where there's nothing to see for miles and miles, but we gotta be able to brag about something.

Texan: If you think this is big, I'm from Texas and let me tell you...
Californian: If you think this is gay, I'm from California and let me tell you...
Manitoban: If you think this is boring, I'm from Manitoba... :D :D :D
 

TXTibbs

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Here is Texas for ya!

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN JULY WHEN. . . .
> >
> > The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
> >
> > The trees are whistling for the dogs.
> >
> > The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
> >
> > Hot water now comes out of both taps. (and that's no joke)
> >
> > You can make sun tea instantly.
> >
> > You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron!
.
> >
> > The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
> >
> > You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
> >
> > You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
> >
> > You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
> >
> > You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
> >
> > Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and
> > end
up
> > lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
> >
> > You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
> >
> > The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one
> > out
and
> > add
> > butter, salt and pepper.
> >
> > Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from
> > laying boiled eggs.
> >
> > The cows are giving evaporated milk. Ah, what a place to call home.
> >
 

jigs

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a bit off the mark, but just as wacky....



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
KNOW YOUR S T A T E MOTTO

Alabama Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas Literacy Ain't Everything.

California By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida Ask Us About Our Grandkids.

Georgia We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)

Idaho More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

Michigan First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.

Nebraska Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania Cook With Coal

Rhode Island We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet

South Dakota Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee The Edyoocashun State

Texas Se Hablo Ingles

Utah Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont Ay, Yep

Virginia Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington We have more rain than you do

West Virginia One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin Come Cut The Cheese!

Wyoming Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
 

TimH

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I would also add that the "bad haircut,cheap suit" rule doesn't apply only to spotting socialists in Manitoba. It works anywhere.
Cases in point.......Ralph Nader and Michael Moore.
Bad haircuts....Cheap suits!!!!! :D :lol:

I'm sure there are more examples anywhere you care to look. Maybe even Ted Kennedy??? And any number of CDN politicians!!! :lol: :lol:
 

jigs

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Ted Kennedy??? when did we start talking about alcohol.... I missed the jump!
 

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