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OldDog/NewTricks

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THE WORLD’S GREATEST
COLLECTION OF
Clean Jokes

Bob Phillips

9 #7~9

Church, Preachers, and Sunday School

A preacher was called upon to substitute for the regular minister, who had failed to reach the church because he was delayed in a snowstorm. The speaker began by explaining the meaning of a substitute. “If you break a window,” he said, “and then place cardboard there instead, that is a substitute.”
After the sermon, a woman who had listened intently shook hands with him and, wishing to compliment him, said, “You were no substitute . . . you were a real pane!”


* * *

The sermon went on and on and on in the heat of the church. At last the minister paused and asked, “What more, my friends, can I say?”
In the back of the church a voice offered earnestly: “Amen!”

* * *

Little Jane, whose grandmother was visiting her family, was going to bed when her mother called, “Don’t forget to include Grandma in your prayers tonight – that god should bless her and let her live to be very, very old.”
“Oh, she’s old enough,” replied Jane. “I’d rather pray that God would make her young.”

}

A Collection For Purim (Jewish Jokes)

10) Bet you didn't know the Beatles had a Jewish Album
Can't Buy me Guilt
Roll Over Maimonides
We Can Kvetch it Out
I Am the Bibi
Eleanor Rigby-Cohen
Lucy In The Shul With Derma
Obla Oy, Obla Vey, Life Goes On
We All Live in a Yellow Matzaball
You Say It's Your Bar-Mitzva, It's My Bar Mitzvah Too
Can't Buy Me Kishka
This Goy
Sgt. Pilpul's Lonely Klezmer Band
All You Need Is Lev
The Shul on the Hill

11) "A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine"
If you want varnishkas, dial 1;
If you want knishes press 2;
If you want chicken soup, press 3;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.

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ELEPHANT STEW RECIPE

2 Rabbits (Optional)
1 Elephant, Medium Size
Salt & Pepper to taste
Brown Gravy

Cut elephant into small bite-sized pieces. This should take about two months. Add enough brown gravy to cover. Cook over kerosene fire for about four weeks at 465 degrees.

This will serve 3800 people. If more are expected, two rabbits may be added, but do this only if necessary as some people do not like to find a hare in their stew.

O
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YOU MIGHT BELONG TO A REDNECK SYNAGOGUE IF...

4) The rabbi says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to approach the bima," and then five guys and two women stand up.
 

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