Faster horses
Well-known member
I got this in an email. Be sure to read to the end. I just had to share it.
> Electric Fence - This is too Funny!! This is
> Hysterical.
>
> Obviously written by a guy, so forgive his
> somewhat explicit
> expressions... A bit gross, but still
> humorous...
>
> Thought y'all should read this in case you're
> thinking of installing an
> electric fence!
>
> We have the standard 6ft. Fence in the
> backyard, and a few
> months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing
> dramatically in the
> entire city.
>
> To make sure this never happened to me, I got
> an electric
> fence and ran a single wire along the top of
> the fence.
>
> Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger
> Tractor Supply had,
>
> made for 26 miles of fence.
>
> I then used an 8 ft. Long ground round, drove
> 7.5 feet into
> the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the
> more you have in the
> ground, the better the fence works.
>
>
> One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo
> Walmart
> 6hp bigwheel push mower. The hot wire is
> broken and laying out in the
> yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the
> charger. I pushed the mower
> around the wire and reached down to grab it, to
> throw it out of the
> way. It seems as though I hadn't Remembered to
> unplug it after all.
>
> Now I'm standing there, I've got the running
> lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt
> fence wire in the other hand. Keep in
> mind the charger is about the size of a marine
> battery and has a
> picture of an upside down cow on fire on the
> cover. Time stood still.
> The first thing I notice is my balls trying to
> climb up the front side of
> my body. My ears curled downwards and I could
> feel the lawnmower
> ignition firing in the backside of my brain..
> Every time that Briggs &
> Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in
> my head. I was literally
> at one with the engine.
>
> It seems as though the fence charger and the
> POS lawnmower
> were fighting over who would control my
> electrical impulses.
>
> Science says you cannot crap, pee, and come at
> the same
> time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all
> three at once, but my bowels
> emptied 3 different times in less than half of
> a second. It was a
> Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is
> creeping along and you're
> all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap
> your pants 3 times. It
> seemed like there were minutes in between but
> in reality it was so close
> together it was like exhaust pulses from a big
> block Chevy turning 8 grand.
>
> At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2
> seconds)
> into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is
> wrapped around the wire palm
> down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so
> I know all about electric
> fences... But Dad always had those POS chargers
> made by International or
> whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda
> tickled. This I could not
> let go of.
> The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting
> signals from me
> through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom
> soil. At this point
> I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up
> and take it, until the
> lawnmower runs out of gas.
>
> 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled
> the tank!
>
> Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It
> has settled
> into a loping run pattern as if it had some
> kind of big lawnmower
> race cam in it.
>
> Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls
> on my
> chest I think 'Oh God, please die... Pleeeeze
> die'. But nooooo,
> it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely
> and remains there, like a big
> bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go
> command from its
> owner's right foot.
>
> So here I am in the middle of July, 104
> degrees, 80%
> humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging
> God to kill me. God did not
> take me that day... He left me there covered in
> my own fluids to writhe
> in the misery my own stupidity had created...
>
> I honestly don't know how I got loose from the
> wire....
> I woke up laying on the ground hours later.
> The lawnmower was beside me,
> out of gas. It was later on in the day and I
> was sunburned. There were two
> large dead grass spots where I had been
> standing, and then another
> long skinny dead spot were the wire lay while I
> was on the ground still
> holding on to it.
>
> I assume I finally had a seizure and in the
> resulting
> thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon
> waking from my
> electrically induced sleep I realized a few
> things.
>
> 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
>
> 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet
> and my right
> butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
>
> 3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed
> together, do not
> smell as bad as you might think.
>
> 4- My left eye will not open.
>
> 5- My right eye will not close.
>
> 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now.
> Seriously! I
> think our little session cleared out some
> carbon fouling or
> something, because it was better than new after
> that.
>
> 7- My balls are still smaller than average yet
> they are
> almost a foot long
>
> 8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by
> farting while
> thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand
> this?)
>
> That day changed my life. I now have a newfound
> respect for
> things. I appreciate the little things more,
> and now I always triple
> check to make sure the fence is unplugged
> before I mow.
>
> The good news, is that if a burglar does try to
> come over
> the fence, I can clearly visualize what my
> security system will do to
> him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling
> all over, which also
> reminds me to triple check before I mow.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
>
> Need a job? Find an employment agency near you.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Electric Fence - This is too Funny!! This is
> Hysterical.
>
> Obviously written by a guy, so forgive his
> somewhat explicit
> expressions... A bit gross, but still
> humorous...
>
> Thought y'all should read this in case you're
> thinking of installing an
> electric fence!
>
> We have the standard 6ft. Fence in the
> backyard, and a few
> months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing
> dramatically in the
> entire city.
>
> To make sure this never happened to me, I got
> an electric
> fence and ran a single wire along the top of
> the fence.
>
> Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger
> Tractor Supply had,
>
> made for 26 miles of fence.
>
> I then used an 8 ft. Long ground round, drove
> 7.5 feet into
> the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the
> more you have in the
> ground, the better the fence works.
>
>
> One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo
> Walmart
> 6hp bigwheel push mower. The hot wire is
> broken and laying out in the
> yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the
> charger. I pushed the mower
> around the wire and reached down to grab it, to
> throw it out of the
> way. It seems as though I hadn't Remembered to
> unplug it after all.
>
> Now I'm standing there, I've got the running
> lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt
> fence wire in the other hand. Keep in
> mind the charger is about the size of a marine
> battery and has a
> picture of an upside down cow on fire on the
> cover. Time stood still.
> The first thing I notice is my balls trying to
> climb up the front side of
> my body. My ears curled downwards and I could
> feel the lawnmower
> ignition firing in the backside of my brain..
> Every time that Briggs &
> Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in
> my head. I was literally
> at one with the engine.
>
> It seems as though the fence charger and the
> POS lawnmower
> were fighting over who would control my
> electrical impulses.
>
> Science says you cannot crap, pee, and come at
> the same
> time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all
> three at once, but my bowels
> emptied 3 different times in less than half of
> a second. It was a
> Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is
> creeping along and you're
> all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap
> your pants 3 times. It
> seemed like there were minutes in between but
> in reality it was so close
> together it was like exhaust pulses from a big
> block Chevy turning 8 grand.
>
> At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2
> seconds)
> into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is
> wrapped around the wire palm
> down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so
> I know all about electric
> fences... But Dad always had those POS chargers
> made by International or
> whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda
> tickled. This I could not
> let go of.
> The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting
> signals from me
> through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom
> soil. At this point
> I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up
> and take it, until the
> lawnmower runs out of gas.
>
> 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled
> the tank!
>
> Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It
> has settled
> into a loping run pattern as if it had some
> kind of big lawnmower
> race cam in it.
>
> Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls
> on my
> chest I think 'Oh God, please die... Pleeeeze
> die'. But nooooo,
> it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely
> and remains there, like a big
> bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go
> command from its
> owner's right foot.
>
> So here I am in the middle of July, 104
> degrees, 80%
> humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging
> God to kill me. God did not
> take me that day... He left me there covered in
> my own fluids to writhe
> in the misery my own stupidity had created...
>
> I honestly don't know how I got loose from the
> wire....
> I woke up laying on the ground hours later.
> The lawnmower was beside me,
> out of gas. It was later on in the day and I
> was sunburned. There were two
> large dead grass spots where I had been
> standing, and then another
> long skinny dead spot were the wire lay while I
> was on the ground still
> holding on to it.
>
> I assume I finally had a seizure and in the
> resulting
> thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon
> waking from my
> electrically induced sleep I realized a few
> things.
>
> 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
>
> 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet
> and my right
> butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
>
> 3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed
> together, do not
> smell as bad as you might think.
>
> 4- My left eye will not open.
>
> 5- My right eye will not close.
>
> 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now.
> Seriously! I
> think our little session cleared out some
> carbon fouling or
> something, because it was better than new after
> that.
>
> 7- My balls are still smaller than average yet
> they are
> almost a foot long
>
> 8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by
> farting while
> thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand
> this?)
>
> That day changed my life. I now have a newfound
> respect for
> things. I appreciate the little things more,
> and now I always triple
> check to make sure the fence is unplugged
> before I mow.
>
> The good news, is that if a burglar does try to
> come over
> the fence, I can clearly visualize what my
> security system will do to
> him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling
> all over, which also
> reminds me to triple check before I mow.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
>
> Need a job? Find an employment agency near you.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>