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Well-known member
Feb 14, 2005
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East north east of Soapweed
Great Answering Machine Messages
These are supposedly actual answering machine announcements.

1. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4. Hi. Now you say something.

5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!

8. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

12. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message. :D
katrina...had some friends from my old hometown who had a message on their machine that went like this
"hi, you have reached the Zoo and we have taken the monkeys out to play....leave a message and the zoo keeper will call you back"....i am thinking of trying a few of yours out for size on my machine.....let you know how they work!! LOL!!!
We have caller I.D. so when our friends called, I answer: Haase's pool hall.. Eight ball speaking....Usually I don't get a come back, but I did once and they wanted to speak to the 2 ball.... I don't answer the phone like that anymore... The best one was my son who answered the phone for me and the person asked what his mom was doing? He answered: Drinking beer. smoking cigeretts and watching Captain Kangeroo..... I wonder where he heard that???? :oops:
"Somebody wanted to talk to the two ball"Thats a real hoot,I'm still laughing.
Drinking beer. smoking cigeretts and watching Captain Kangeroo.....

Ain't it great how country music teaches our children to respond to others.

A while back when I was knee deep in rental properties and my wife was working at a local check cashing place we often joked about the seedier part of our jobs.

It back fired at church one day when a visiter asked what we did for a living. My son answered with a straight face My dad's a slumlord and my mother's a loan shark. :oops:
Joes Mortuary- You slay them, we lay them-- you stab them, we slab them........

Usually takes several seconds to get anyone to say anything...

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