A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving
and says "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son demands.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer. We're sick of each
other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in
Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
************
I got some new deodorant, the instructions said "REMOVE CAP AND PUSH UP BOTTOM". I can barely walk but when I fart it smells amazing!
****************
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.........
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..
(you're going to love this)
"Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!"
********************
In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with
'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher
asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other
hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined
in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."
and says "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son demands.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer. We're sick of each
other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in
Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
************
I got some new deodorant, the instructions said "REMOVE CAP AND PUSH UP BOTTOM". I can barely walk but when I fart it smells amazing!
****************
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.........
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..
(you're going to love this)
"Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!"
********************
In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with
'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher
asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other
hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined
in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."
