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HERE YOU GO SISSY

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HAY MAKER

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In The Market For A Man?
The best way to judge a man is by looking at his pickup truck...

"A brief word about the model of truck a man drives: Chevy, Ford or Dodge? One brand is an indication that the man is a left-brain type of person, another is for right-brained people and the other brand is for someone with no brains..."
I recently read an article that said the best place for a woman to find an eligible suitor is in the grocery store. The author theorized that by looking at what's in a man's grocery cart a woman can tell what kind of husband he'd make. Ladies, if you are looking for love in the TV frozen dinner section you are looking for love in all the wrong places. My dear female friends, if you are in the market for a man the worst place to find one is in the market. First of all, if he's shopping why isn't he working? The fact that he's in the store at all is a good sign he's divorced. Probably more than once. And just because he appears thoughtful in picking out laundry detergent or seems sensitive to the feelings of a melon doesn't mean he'll treat you in the same manner.

I am here to tell all you females in the market for love that the best way to judge a man is by looking at his pickup truck, not his grocery cart. For instance, is it a new truck or is he driving an older model? If it's new he's spending half his paycheck on payments and if its old he's a cheapskate. Either way you lose. A brief word about the model of truck a man drives: Chevy, Ford or Dodge. One brand is an indication that the man is a left-brain type of person, another is for right-brained people and the other brand is for someone with no brains. (Figure out for yourself which is which.) Whatever make and model of husband you pick you'll need something far more reliable.

Bucket seats are a good sign because it means you won't have to sit too close to the slob. A manual transmission is also good because it means he can shift for himself; a rare quality these days in a man. Beer cans in the bed are also a good sign. It means he's an environmentalist and just didn't toss them alongside the road.

You might think that an air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror is a good sign but ask yourself: What's he trying to hide? Ditto for floor mats and seat covers held together with duct tape. I ask you, can a man who vacuums his truck, empties his ashtray or installs a bedliner really be trusted? I'm warning you women, these type of prissy she-men are the most annoying kind. They are not suitable fixer-upper projects either.

A dog in a truck can be both a good and a bad sign. If it's in the back that's a good sign but if the dog is in the cab it means your husband will spend more time talking to the dog than to you. Ladies I implore you, think about it, do you really want to spend your nights in bed with a hairy, uncouth cur who eats out of cans and scratches whenever and wherever he feels like it? And I'm not talking about the dog!

The most tell-tale signs are to be found in the glove compartment. Is there a map in it that is folded correctly and looks like it's been used? If so, there's another woman in his life. No real man ever used a map or knows how to fold one. And if you find the current registration, insurance documentation and the truck's operating manual still in the glove compartment you are either dealing with a married man or some kind of neat freak. And who needs that?

To snare a real man check out the dash board. There you should find cans of outdated Copenhagen, shotgun shells, an empty fast food sack, spit cup and roll of toilet paper. Check out the TP. Is it quilted or extra soft? If so, you have found yourself a real sensitive fellow. If there are also several yellowed speeding tickets on the dash that's a good sign because it shows he's a saver. A half empty can of oil indicates he's forward thinking, a tube of deworming paste is a real sign of compassion and a pair of gloves show's he's not afraid to spend money on luxuries.

What's that you say, your prospective suitor does not drive a truck but a minivan instead! Ladies, please be advised that there are two kinds of men in this world: Those that are and those that aren't. You have just snared one in the latter category. Congratulations. Hang on to him. He'll probably do the grocery shopping too.

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