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Irish Catholic Jokes

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Juan

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.
If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the
rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against
the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and
all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it.
At last his conscience began to bother him and he went
to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and
I've been stealing wood from the lumber
yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a
Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got
the lumber."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and
watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay
pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth
time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics
across?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was
dumbfounded to read in the obituary
column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best
friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I
died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye calling
from?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets
stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!
He's done it again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the
bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her
hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did
she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little
chicken-****!"


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John SD

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You can kiss a nun once.
You can kiss a nun twice.
But you mustn't get in the habit. :evil: :twisted: :D :lol:
 

hometowngurl

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As to the state trooper, the priest and the wine bottle. When I was in high school the local priest tried doing just that when he got picked up. It didn't work, but the judge let him go because of insuffient evidence. :lol: :lol: :lol: :roll:
 

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