• If you are having problems logging in please use the Contact Us in the lower right hand corner of the forum page for assistance.

Liberal jokes........then again maybe

Help Support Ranchers.net:

passin thru

Well-known member
Apr 6, 2005
Reaction score
Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
A: A competent liberal President.

Q: Why do the male members of the Kennedy family cry while having sex?
A: Mace.

Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?
A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been and did it all on borrowed money.

Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"

Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.

Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.

Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.

Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

Q: What do you get when you offer a Liberal a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: How do you confuse a Liberal?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why is it good to have a Democrat passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: What's the difference between Elvis and a smart Liberal?
A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: How do you keep a Democrat busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: How do you keep a Liberal busy all day?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to wait in the corner.

Q: What do you call a Democrat with an IQ of 130?
A: A foursome

Q: How do you get a one-armed Liberal out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.

Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 Democrats.

Q: What is foreplay for a Democrat?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What is the Democrat doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why do Liberals work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What the difference between a Democrat and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either.

Q: How is a Liberal different from a sewer rat?
A: Some people actually like sewer rats.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to walk in the dark.

Q: Why do so many Liberals live in L.A.?
A: It?s the only city that is easy enough for them to spell.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A Democrat parade.

Q: What is it called when a Liberal blows in another Liberal?s ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: Why don't they let Liberals swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a Democrat.

Q: What's the difference between a Liberal and a sack of manure?
A: The sack.

Q: What's the definition of a Democrat running for Congress for the first time?
A: A mouse trying to become a rat.

Q: What's the difference between God and a Democrat?
A: God knows He's not a Democrat.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Democrat in the road?
A: Vultures will eat the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a lawyer?
A: Chelsea.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.

Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q: Why did God create Democrats?
A: In order to make used car salesmen look good.

Liberals are like seagulls: all they do is squawk, eat crap, and they are protected by the government.

A Democrat found a magic genie's lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, "I will grant you one wish." He said, "I wish I were smarter". So the genie made him a Republican.

What's the difference between John Kerry and Ted Kennedy?
Kerry actually pulled someone out of the water.

"Democratic leader Tom Daschle has been whining all over TV, saying that Rush Limbaugh and other talk show hosts have been inciting violence against Democrats. Which is illegal you know, attacking an endangered species." —Jay Leno

"Declassified papers report that John Kennedy was taking eight different medications a day. He was so wasted, his Secret Service code name was Ted Kennedy." —Craig Kilborn

"Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him 'their bright new star of the future.'" —David Letterman

"It's amazing how quickly the news changes. I mean it's hard to believe just ten days ago we believed Osama Bin Laden was dead and the Democratic party was alive." —Jay Leno

"Because the election was such a disaster for the Democrats, it looks like the leader of the party might be stepping down. But enough about Barbra Streisand." —Jay Leno

"Janet Reno lost the democratic primary. When asked about it, Reno said, 'I feel like I've been kicked in the nuts.'" —Conan O'Brien

"This weekend big doings down in Florida. Former Attorney General Janet Reno is hosting a dance party at a Miami night club. Not only is she the guest of honor, she is also the bouncer." —David Letterman

"Did you see Carter and Castro meeting together — dining together? The last time a president embraced a Cuban like that he got impeached." —Jay Leno

"Isn't spring in New York fantastic? The great thing about spring is that it comes once a year, just like a Kennedy trial." —David Letterman

"The Democrats said today that if they were in power they could get Israel to pull out of Palestine. Oh shut up. They couldn't even get Bill to pull out of Monica." —Jay Leno

"It's Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. This tradition began about 25 years ago down in Washington, D.C. by a quick-thinking Ted Kennedy who was spotted leaving his office with an 18-year-old." —David Letterman

"On Wednesday, President Bush named the Justice Department headquarters after Robert F. Kennedy. Then he went around the corner and named a strip club after Ted." —Jay Leno

"After the [Jim Jeffords] switch, the Democrats would have 51 seats, the Republicans would have 49 seats, and Senator Ted Kennedy would still need four seats." —Craig Kilborn

"It seems former Attorney General Janet Reno may run for Governor of Florida against Jeb Bush. She could be tough to beat, she has a great slogan, 'Janet Reno, Best Man For The Job.' ... They asked her about the rumors that Jeb Bush may have had an affair with a former Playboy Playmate. Janet Reno said, 'That lucky son-of-a-gun.'" —Jay Leno

"Jesse Jackson's in trouble. They're going after this tax thing. Jesse said he will amend his taxes to show the money that he paid to his mistress. See, he has just one mistress. Jesse uses the standard mistress deduction. As opposed to Clinton, who had to itemize." —Jay Leno

"Here's the worst part about this whole thing. During the impeachment trial, Jesse Jackson was Bill Clinton's spiritual adviser. In fact, that's where Bill and Monica got that cigar. Jesse was passing them out: 'Here you go! It's a girl! It's a girl!" —Jay Leno

"Following revelations that he fathered a love child, the good Reverend Jesse Jackson — or should we say the "very" good Reverend — is enduring the scandal with the help of family and friends. A scandal which gives clearer meaning to the Rainbow Coalition's "Operation 'Push'." —Jon Stewart

disclaimer, I will not be held responsible for liberals with bad senses of humor. These jokes either are non gender specific or heavy on the male being the but_ of the joke.

Latest posts