author.............Lee Pitts
With everything we eat these days trying to murder us, isn't it amazing that man is living longer than ever? In the Roman days, the average lifespan of a human being was only 25 years, and that was before they even knew about cholesterol. It couldn't have been all those sex orgies that did them in at such an early age. Could it?
If you are a man in today's society, I have exciting news for you on how you can increase your life expectancy by two whole years: Have a sex change operation, because women live two years longer than men on the average. There is, of course, a good reason why women outlive their spouses: so they can throw out our stuff, watch whatever they want on TV and collect on our life insurance.
One would think that animals would live longer than man because they eat whole grain cereals and "natural food" all the time. They don't drive cars or smoke cigarettes, except of course for lab mice. So, I was shocked recently while glancing through the encyclopedia (yes, that's how boring my life's become lately) that I could find only one species of animal that lives longer than man.
That's right; it's the turtle. One even lived to be 152 years old, which is 22 in dog years. Turtles live so long because they never get in a hurry, don't fly in airplanes or eat anything with monosodium glutamate in it. And, get this: adult turtles never meet their offspring! No wonder they live so long!
Actually, man has a pretty good thing going for him in comparison to most animals when it comes to life expectancy. I don't know how the May fly got its name, because it certainly doesn't live a month. Within hours it is born, has sex and dies shortly thereafter. I guess it figures life couldn't get any better, so why go on living?
The housefly and the mosquito only live six weeks on average because they go around pestering people all the time. That should be a lesson to PETA members and the folks who knock on my front door at all hours.
The butterfly lives only eight weeks, which proves my theory that the uglier you are, the longer you live. With my face, I figure I've got at least 60 good years left.
Canaries live 20 years and crows 30. Just think how long they would live if they were meat eaters! Camels live 28 years, which is also the life expectancy of anyone who smokes them.
The mouse used to have an average life expectancy of six years, but that was before they started eating three truckloads of saccharin a day and scientists started breeding them to die at the drop of a hat. And by the way, if chicken is so good for you and beefsteak so bad, how come chickens only live to be six years old and cows 10? Not that I am complaining; six years is entirely too long for a chicken anyway.
If you were to die and come back as a goldfish ... you'd sure surprise your mother-in-law. Not only that, but you'd only live 10 years in your new life. Dogs also live 10 years on average, sheep 13 and squirrels, cats, goats and monkeys all live to the ripe old age of 15. Horses and jackasses only live to be 20, and they eat tons of oat bran and alfalfa sprouts.
Then there is modern man. Despite the fact that we already live on average to the ripe old age of 74 years, we continue to worry ourselves to death about living even longer. If we don't quit all this worrying about living longer, I'm afraid we'll be survived by our wives, kids, the May fly, mosquitoes and cocky capons.
The only other animal that even comes close to living as long as humans and turtles is the goose. The goose is also known for being more intelligent than people who actually spend the winter in Canada. I'd suggest that we could probably learn a thing or two about living longer from the goose and the turtle: fly right, develop a thick hide, honk if you're happy, slow down, mate for life, and when life gets too difficult, crawl into your shell and take a long nap.
With everything we eat these days trying to murder us, isn't it amazing that man is living longer than ever? In the Roman days, the average lifespan of a human being was only 25 years, and that was before they even knew about cholesterol. It couldn't have been all those sex orgies that did them in at such an early age. Could it?
If you are a man in today's society, I have exciting news for you on how you can increase your life expectancy by two whole years: Have a sex change operation, because women live two years longer than men on the average. There is, of course, a good reason why women outlive their spouses: so they can throw out our stuff, watch whatever they want on TV and collect on our life insurance.
One would think that animals would live longer than man because they eat whole grain cereals and "natural food" all the time. They don't drive cars or smoke cigarettes, except of course for lab mice. So, I was shocked recently while glancing through the encyclopedia (yes, that's how boring my life's become lately) that I could find only one species of animal that lives longer than man.
That's right; it's the turtle. One even lived to be 152 years old, which is 22 in dog years. Turtles live so long because they never get in a hurry, don't fly in airplanes or eat anything with monosodium glutamate in it. And, get this: adult turtles never meet their offspring! No wonder they live so long!
Actually, man has a pretty good thing going for him in comparison to most animals when it comes to life expectancy. I don't know how the May fly got its name, because it certainly doesn't live a month. Within hours it is born, has sex and dies shortly thereafter. I guess it figures life couldn't get any better, so why go on living?
The housefly and the mosquito only live six weeks on average because they go around pestering people all the time. That should be a lesson to PETA members and the folks who knock on my front door at all hours.
The butterfly lives only eight weeks, which proves my theory that the uglier you are, the longer you live. With my face, I figure I've got at least 60 good years left.
Canaries live 20 years and crows 30. Just think how long they would live if they were meat eaters! Camels live 28 years, which is also the life expectancy of anyone who smokes them.
The mouse used to have an average life expectancy of six years, but that was before they started eating three truckloads of saccharin a day and scientists started breeding them to die at the drop of a hat. And by the way, if chicken is so good for you and beefsteak so bad, how come chickens only live to be six years old and cows 10? Not that I am complaining; six years is entirely too long for a chicken anyway.
If you were to die and come back as a goldfish ... you'd sure surprise your mother-in-law. Not only that, but you'd only live 10 years in your new life. Dogs also live 10 years on average, sheep 13 and squirrels, cats, goats and monkeys all live to the ripe old age of 15. Horses and jackasses only live to be 20, and they eat tons of oat bran and alfalfa sprouts.
Then there is modern man. Despite the fact that we already live on average to the ripe old age of 74 years, we continue to worry ourselves to death about living even longer. If we don't quit all this worrying about living longer, I'm afraid we'll be survived by our wives, kids, the May fly, mosquitoes and cocky capons.
The only other animal that even comes close to living as long as humans and turtles is the goose. The goose is also known for being more intelligent than people who actually spend the winter in Canada. I'd suggest that we could probably learn a thing or two about living longer from the goose and the turtle: fly right, develop a thick hide, honk if you're happy, slow down, mate for life, and when life gets too difficult, crawl into your shell and take a long nap.
