Soapweed
Well-known member
An older gentleman wasn't feeling too well. He went to get checked by the family doctor, and a few days later the phone rang and the caller was the secretary for the doctor. She said, "I've got some bad news and some real bad news."
The patient said, "Well, give me the bad news first."
"You've only got twenty-four hours to live."
"So what is the 'real bad news'?"
"I was supposed to call you yesterday."
***************************************************
What is the similarity between Viagra and Disney World?
You have to wait an hour for a three-minute ride.
***************************************************
What's different about a bulimic's birthday party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.
***************************************************
What is the difference between a wood tick and a lawyer?
A wood tick falls off you when you die.
***************************************************
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented by both of you with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
***************************************************
The optimist sees a glass that's half full. The pessimist sees a glass that's half empty. An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
***************************************************
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
***************************************************
A party of economists was climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass and the sun. Finally he said, "Okay, see that big mountain over there?" When the others nodded, he said, "Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it."
***************************************************
A ninety-year-old man went to his doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife, who is eighteen, is expecting a baby."
The doctor said, "Let my tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of his gun, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. And when a bear suddenly charged at him, he pointed his umbrella at the bear, shot at it, and killed it on the spot."
"Impossible. Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"Exactly my point."
***************************************************
So, this man walks into the pharmacy and says, "Have you got cotton balls?"
The pharmacist says, "What is this, a joke?"
***************************************************
Patient: "Doctor, you've got to help me. Some mornings I wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, other mornings I think I'm Mickey Mouse."
Doctor: "Hmm, and how long have you been having these Disney spells?
***************************************************
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asks the officer.
"I juggle them in my act," says the juggler.
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts juggling and tossing the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
***************************************************
Cop pulling a woman over: "Let me see your driver's license, lady."
Woman: "I wish you people would get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it."
***************************************************
A policeman went up to a street musician and asked, "Excuse me, sir, do you have a license to play that violin in the street?"
And the violinist answered, "Well, actually, no."
"In that case I'm going to have to ask you to accompany me."
"Of course, officer. What would you like to sing?"
***************************************************
Sven: "So, Ole--I see you got a sign up that says, "Boat for Sale." But you don't own a boat. All you got is your old John Deere tractor and your combine.
Ole: "Yup, and they're boat for sale."
***************************************************
Lena: "I'd better warn you, my husband will be home in an hour."
Henrik: "But I haven't done anything I shouldn't do."
Lena: "I know, but if you're going to, you'd better hurry up."
***************************************************
Sven: "Well, that's a lovely family, Ole. Five boys. Looks like you got a boy every single time."
Ole: "Oh, no, sometimes we didn't get anything."
***************************************************
A man exercises by sucking his stomach in every time he sees a beautiful woman.
***************************************************
Very few things upset my wife and it makes me feel special to be one of them. :wink:
The patient said, "Well, give me the bad news first."
"You've only got twenty-four hours to live."
"So what is the 'real bad news'?"
"I was supposed to call you yesterday."
***************************************************
What is the similarity between Viagra and Disney World?
You have to wait an hour for a three-minute ride.
***************************************************
What's different about a bulimic's birthday party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.
***************************************************
What is the difference between a wood tick and a lawyer?
A wood tick falls off you when you die.
***************************************************
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented by both of you with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
***************************************************
The optimist sees a glass that's half full. The pessimist sees a glass that's half empty. An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
***************************************************
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
***************************************************
A party of economists was climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass and the sun. Finally he said, "Okay, see that big mountain over there?" When the others nodded, he said, "Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it."
***************************************************
A ninety-year-old man went to his doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife, who is eighteen, is expecting a baby."
The doctor said, "Let my tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of his gun, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. And when a bear suddenly charged at him, he pointed his umbrella at the bear, shot at it, and killed it on the spot."
"Impossible. Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"Exactly my point."
***************************************************
So, this man walks into the pharmacy and says, "Have you got cotton balls?"
The pharmacist says, "What is this, a joke?"
***************************************************
Patient: "Doctor, you've got to help me. Some mornings I wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, other mornings I think I'm Mickey Mouse."
Doctor: "Hmm, and how long have you been having these Disney spells?
***************************************************
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asks the officer.
"I juggle them in my act," says the juggler.
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts juggling and tossing the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
***************************************************
Cop pulling a woman over: "Let me see your driver's license, lady."
Woman: "I wish you people would get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it."
***************************************************
A policeman went up to a street musician and asked, "Excuse me, sir, do you have a license to play that violin in the street?"
And the violinist answered, "Well, actually, no."
"In that case I'm going to have to ask you to accompany me."
"Of course, officer. What would you like to sing?"
***************************************************
Sven: "So, Ole--I see you got a sign up that says, "Boat for Sale." But you don't own a boat. All you got is your old John Deere tractor and your combine.
Ole: "Yup, and they're boat for sale."
***************************************************
Lena: "I'd better warn you, my husband will be home in an hour."
Henrik: "But I haven't done anything I shouldn't do."
Lena: "I know, but if you're going to, you'd better hurry up."
***************************************************
Sven: "Well, that's a lovely family, Ole. Five boys. Looks like you got a boy every single time."
Ole: "Oh, no, sometimes we didn't get anything."
***************************************************
A man exercises by sucking his stomach in every time he sees a beautiful woman.
***************************************************
Very few things upset my wife and it makes me feel special to be one of them. :wink:
