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Tazer Gun

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Casa Paloma

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Dear Friends,

My wife Sandy is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for Sandy. The occasion was our 9th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, google-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out - way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeee. I am easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Sandy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog Skeeter looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Skeeter) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Skeeter for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet puppy, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Sandy to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses purched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumfrence, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea what followed. I'm sitting there alone. Skeeter looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?) I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight - always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*******! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Skeeter was standing over me making huffing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent trashing about on the floor. If you are lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. (How did they get there???) My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs, give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seem my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em...sure would like to get 'em back.
 

Aaron

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How do you neuter a stray? Domestic would be hard enough. The bad stray's just meet a bullet at our place, so I am curious how you caught and restrained it?
 

katrina

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Aaron,
Not all strays are wild. Stray as into wander... Some are tame and those are the ones we fix. If we can catch a wild one with a live trap, we fix them too. We shoot those we can not catch.Sometimes the wild cats are the best hunters. A thick pair of gloves and a coat sleeve. Whaaa Laaa!!! a bill cat....
 

Cal

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katrina, just for a joke save 'em and throw 'em in the "nut bucket" at a branding and see if anybody notices.
 

frenchie

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Let me congratulate you...It has been a long time since I laughed so hard.My side still hurts.

Buddy of mine got into with the R.C.M.P up here in the local bar...And they tazzered him..lets just say he ,s a reformed man. BTW hes still looking for his nuts. :lol:
 

Steve

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For those of you playing with electricity, remember that an electric current will cause you muscles to contract, then spasm, so if you pull it into your self your muscle will continue to contract until the circuit is broken, it then will spasm until the charge is discipated.

Thus if you stick a tazor in your thigh, your arm will continue to pull in until you either kick your self or some how come out of alignment,

Note for those testing electric fences, use the back of your hand, it will contract away from the fence wire, ussually before full contact.... :roll:

we used to charge up capacitors and leave them lieing on the work bench, (mini tazors), :twisted: just to watch who had sticky fingers, :twisted:
 

ranchwife

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Oh myyyyyy, Casa!!! while reading your posting, i got a hilarious visual...of course, since i do not know what you look like, i pictured my own cowboy doing something this absolutely side-splitting!!! had my whole family looking at me like i was a few fries short of a happy meal :wink: :wink: Katrina.....loved the story about the stray cats!!! also like the idea about the "nut bucket"....got a branding coming in a few weeks and this gives me ideas....hmmmmmmm :wink:
 

Soapweed

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A friend operates a livestock supply and hardware store. He sells "hot-shots" (or electric cattle prods). These hot-shots, if the button has been pushed, always have one shot available. My friend likes to push the button, so the first burst is ready. Invariably some rancher will come in with a kid who likes to play around. The kid, thinking you have to push the button to make it work, will playfully touch their dad without pulling the trigger. The poor old guy gets zapped anyway, and my friend feigns innocence.
 

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