http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/20/your-money/20shortcuts.html?_r=1&src=twt&twt=nytimesbusiness
November 19, 2010
The Cost of Incivility Is More Than Hurt Feelings
By ALINA TUGEND
COURTESY means a lot to me. I am keenly aware when someone fails to say please or thank you. Waiters or clerks who ignore me or respond snippily do so at their peril. My children know well my glare when they fail to give their bus or subway seat to an elderly person.
But, as we're all aware, the 21st century has brought with it new variations on rudeness. Answering texts during a luncheon. Tapping on BlackBerrys instead of listening to a speaker — or a child's recital. Shooting off hostile e-mail anonymously.
But is this decline in manners real? And when considering this, should we separate the outward symbols of politeness from general civility?
It's a complicated but important issue that has a surprising economic impact. Christine Pearson, a professor of management at Thunderbird School of Global Management in Arizona, said her research over the last decade had shown that many workers left jobs because of continuing incivility but rarely reported that as the reason.
More on this later. But to backtrack a little: is civility, whether in the workplace, on the street or at home, really on a rapid downhill slide?
"We are both ruder and more civil than in times gone by," said Pier M. Forni, a professor of Italian literature at Johns Hopkins University and also co-founder of the university's Civility Initiative.
Professor Forni gives the example of the pregnant woman. "Fewer people may give up their seat on the bus for her, which shows a decline in civility," he said. "But when she steps into the workplace, the number of people who take her seriously is much higher than in my father's time.
"We are more accepting of people who look different and the disabled, and we have a higher ecological awareness," Professor Forni said. But he also acknowledged that what we classically think of as courtesy is on the decline. This ranges from a certain deference to authority and age to graciously allowing someone to merge into your lane of traffic.
Of course, manners change over time. After all, few men kiss a woman's hand when meeting her nowadays. And we all, to some extent, draw our own lines on what constitutes polite behavior. My husband and I don't want our children's friends to address us by our last names. Yet I have some friends who insist on it.
But to dismiss signs of courtesy as mere symbols and to argue that what matters is not the outward trappings misses the point, said Richard Boyd, an associate professor of government at Georgetown University.
"To fail to be civil to someone — to treat them harshly, rudely or condescendingly — is not only to be guilty of bad manners," he wrote in a 2006 article, "The Value of Civility?" for the journal Urban Studies. "It also, and more ominously signals a disdain or contempt for them as moral beings. Treating someone rudely, brusquely or condescendingly says loudly and clearly that you do not regard her as your equal."
Or to use an example Professor Forni offered: when a mother corrects her son for chewing with his mouth open, and tells him people don't like looking at half-chewed food, "she has given him a rule of table manners, but also a fundamental notion of all ethical principles — actions have consequences for others. Good manners are the training wheels of altruism."
Professor Boyd said he saw signs of declining courtesy, but warned against comparing today against some mythical past.
"People always say things are getting worse, but I'm not sure it's true," he said. "And even if there's something to today's complaints about increasing rudeness and incivility, you have to put these in the broader context of a longstanding tradition of critics of American manners."
He referred to the 1832 classic "Domestic Manners of the Americans," by the Englishwoman Frances Trollope. To wit: " I hardly know any annoyance so deeply repugnant to English feelings, as the incessant, remorseless spitting of Americans." She critiques American men "who eat with the greatest possible rapidity and in total silence," and schoolchildren's "constant talking and running from one part of the room to another."
But Professor Boyd agreed that one difference is the rapid growth of technology, particularly the Internet and cellphones.
Alex J. Packer, author of "How Rude!: The Teenager's Guide to Good Manners" (Free Spirit Publishing, 1997), went further. "I would be the first to say that there has been an absolute collapse of civility in the past generation or two," Mr. Packer said. "So much of communications is once removed that it adds a layer of distance and anonymity that can only worsen manners."
Professor Forni, who also wrote "The Civility Solution: What to Do When People are Rude," (St. Martin's Press, 2008), noted that the major causes of incivility were anonymity, stress, lack of time, lack of restraint and insecurity.
And we're certainly seeing greater stress and more ability to lash out anonymously through the Internet and texting. "The more volatile the mixture, the more uncivil we become," Professor Forni said.
One answer is to start addressing the issue of manners on the Internet at a young age. South Korean children, for example, learn "Netiquette," in school, which includes a song with lyrics like, "Use polite words in a cordial way" and "I am the Internet guardian angel."
Now, back to the cost of incivility — Professor Pearson, who co-wrote, with Christine Porath, "The Cost of Bad Behavior" (Penguin Portfolio, 2009), found through research among about 9,000 managers and workers that incivility was rampant on the job.
"We defined it as the low end of disregard and dysfunction in the workplace — being rude, such as ignoring request for help, ignoring a colleague when passing in the hall, gossiping behind colleagues' backs, borrowing supplies without asking," she said.
I think we've all, ahem, been guilty of some of those actions. But, Professor Pearson said, her work focused on people who did this consistently, sneakily and toward people they felt could not — or would not — punish them.
Here are some statistics from her research: 60 percent of disrespectful behavior came from above, 20 percent from colleagues on the same level and 20 percent from below. And half said they decreased their effort on the job, which, Professor Pearson said, could mean that the workers did not put in the extra effort they might otherwise have expended, or that they worked strictly to their job description, or even that they slacked off.
There are solutions, although they are not easy. "First, leaders can put something into their orientation code or credo that they expect employees to be treated with respect," Professor Pearson said. "It's amazing how many expect their employees to treat customers with respect and how few worry about how their colleagues treat each other."
Most important, she said, people at the top have to be willing to model civility, discipline those who act badly and be consistent — that is, not let someone considered a superstar get away with rudeness.
Good manners, as any etiquette expert would say, involve rules, but not strictly adhering to them. I always liked the probably apocryphal tale of a guest who arrived in shirtsleeves at an English country house where everyone was wearing dinner jackets.
What did the host do to remedy the situation? Offer a jacket to the abashed guest? No, he removed his own jacket.
Now that's civility.
E-mail: [email protected]
November 19, 2010
The Cost of Incivility Is More Than Hurt Feelings
By ALINA TUGEND
COURTESY means a lot to me. I am keenly aware when someone fails to say please or thank you. Waiters or clerks who ignore me or respond snippily do so at their peril. My children know well my glare when they fail to give their bus or subway seat to an elderly person.
But, as we're all aware, the 21st century has brought with it new variations on rudeness. Answering texts during a luncheon. Tapping on BlackBerrys instead of listening to a speaker — or a child's recital. Shooting off hostile e-mail anonymously.
But is this decline in manners real? And when considering this, should we separate the outward symbols of politeness from general civility?
It's a complicated but important issue that has a surprising economic impact. Christine Pearson, a professor of management at Thunderbird School of Global Management in Arizona, said her research over the last decade had shown that many workers left jobs because of continuing incivility but rarely reported that as the reason.
More on this later. But to backtrack a little: is civility, whether in the workplace, on the street or at home, really on a rapid downhill slide?
"We are both ruder and more civil than in times gone by," said Pier M. Forni, a professor of Italian literature at Johns Hopkins University and also co-founder of the university's Civility Initiative.
Professor Forni gives the example of the pregnant woman. "Fewer people may give up their seat on the bus for her, which shows a decline in civility," he said. "But when she steps into the workplace, the number of people who take her seriously is much higher than in my father's time.
"We are more accepting of people who look different and the disabled, and we have a higher ecological awareness," Professor Forni said. But he also acknowledged that what we classically think of as courtesy is on the decline. This ranges from a certain deference to authority and age to graciously allowing someone to merge into your lane of traffic.
Of course, manners change over time. After all, few men kiss a woman's hand when meeting her nowadays. And we all, to some extent, draw our own lines on what constitutes polite behavior. My husband and I don't want our children's friends to address us by our last names. Yet I have some friends who insist on it.
But to dismiss signs of courtesy as mere symbols and to argue that what matters is not the outward trappings misses the point, said Richard Boyd, an associate professor of government at Georgetown University.
"To fail to be civil to someone — to treat them harshly, rudely or condescendingly — is not only to be guilty of bad manners," he wrote in a 2006 article, "The Value of Civility?" for the journal Urban Studies. "It also, and more ominously signals a disdain or contempt for them as moral beings. Treating someone rudely, brusquely or condescendingly says loudly and clearly that you do not regard her as your equal."
Or to use an example Professor Forni offered: when a mother corrects her son for chewing with his mouth open, and tells him people don't like looking at half-chewed food, "she has given him a rule of table manners, but also a fundamental notion of all ethical principles — actions have consequences for others. Good manners are the training wheels of altruism."
Professor Boyd said he saw signs of declining courtesy, but warned against comparing today against some mythical past.
"People always say things are getting worse, but I'm not sure it's true," he said. "And even if there's something to today's complaints about increasing rudeness and incivility, you have to put these in the broader context of a longstanding tradition of critics of American manners."
He referred to the 1832 classic "Domestic Manners of the Americans," by the Englishwoman Frances Trollope. To wit: " I hardly know any annoyance so deeply repugnant to English feelings, as the incessant, remorseless spitting of Americans." She critiques American men "who eat with the greatest possible rapidity and in total silence," and schoolchildren's "constant talking and running from one part of the room to another."
But Professor Boyd agreed that one difference is the rapid growth of technology, particularly the Internet and cellphones.
Alex J. Packer, author of "How Rude!: The Teenager's Guide to Good Manners" (Free Spirit Publishing, 1997), went further. "I would be the first to say that there has been an absolute collapse of civility in the past generation or two," Mr. Packer said. "So much of communications is once removed that it adds a layer of distance and anonymity that can only worsen manners."
Professor Forni, who also wrote "The Civility Solution: What to Do When People are Rude," (St. Martin's Press, 2008), noted that the major causes of incivility were anonymity, stress, lack of time, lack of restraint and insecurity.
And we're certainly seeing greater stress and more ability to lash out anonymously through the Internet and texting. "The more volatile the mixture, the more uncivil we become," Professor Forni said.
One answer is to start addressing the issue of manners on the Internet at a young age. South Korean children, for example, learn "Netiquette," in school, which includes a song with lyrics like, "Use polite words in a cordial way" and "I am the Internet guardian angel."
Now, back to the cost of incivility — Professor Pearson, who co-wrote, with Christine Porath, "The Cost of Bad Behavior" (Penguin Portfolio, 2009), found through research among about 9,000 managers and workers that incivility was rampant on the job.
"We defined it as the low end of disregard and dysfunction in the workplace — being rude, such as ignoring request for help, ignoring a colleague when passing in the hall, gossiping behind colleagues' backs, borrowing supplies without asking," she said.
I think we've all, ahem, been guilty of some of those actions. But, Professor Pearson said, her work focused on people who did this consistently, sneakily and toward people they felt could not — or would not — punish them.
Here are some statistics from her research: 60 percent of disrespectful behavior came from above, 20 percent from colleagues on the same level and 20 percent from below. And half said they decreased their effort on the job, which, Professor Pearson said, could mean that the workers did not put in the extra effort they might otherwise have expended, or that they worked strictly to their job description, or even that they slacked off.
There are solutions, although they are not easy. "First, leaders can put something into their orientation code or credo that they expect employees to be treated with respect," Professor Pearson said. "It's amazing how many expect their employees to treat customers with respect and how few worry about how their colleagues treat each other."
Most important, she said, people at the top have to be willing to model civility, discipline those who act badly and be consistent — that is, not let someone considered a superstar get away with rudeness.
Good manners, as any etiquette expert would say, involve rules, but not strictly adhering to them. I always liked the probably apocryphal tale of a guest who arrived in shirtsleeves at an English country house where everyone was wearing dinner jackets.
What did the host do to remedy the situation? Offer a jacket to the abashed guest? No, he removed his own jacket.
Now that's civility.
E-mail: [email protected]
