Corny jokes and random ponderings
- Thread starter Judith
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katrina
Well-known member
Okay..... I'll take a stab at it!!!!!!!!
What do you call blonds that are cold?????
Frosted flakes
What do you call blonds that are cold?????
Frosted flakes
katrina
Well-known member
Okay....... so it's my favorite joke and I forget who I've told it too... 
How about:
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
How about:
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"
They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"
Bumper stickers,
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
If you can read this, my wife fell off! (Seen on the back of a biker's vest.)
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
Boldly going nowhere.
Cat: The other white meat.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
He's not dead, He's electro-encephalographically challenged
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
the blonde and the magic mountain (Added On: 2002-05-23 Rating : 3.65 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
there is a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. they are hiking a long a trail and come up on this guy who is a regualar there and he says to them if u go to the magic mountain and jump off of it and while you are in the air , you say what ever u want or want to be it will instantly come true.
so they go to the magic mountain and the brunette say , well i will try it so she jumps off and yells BIRD!!! and poof she becomes a bird,
so the red head says if it worked for her it will work for me so she jumps off and in the air yells CAT!!! and poof she becomes a cat and runs down,
so the blonde says if it worked for them it will work for me , so she starts running and right before she jumps and trips on a rock and falls over the side and yells SH**!!! and poof , she hits the mountain and splats all over the side of it.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
If you can read this, my wife fell off! (Seen on the back of a biker's vest.)
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
Boldly going nowhere.
Cat: The other white meat.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
He's not dead, He's electro-encephalographically challenged
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
the blonde and the magic mountain (Added On: 2002-05-23 Rating : 3.65 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
there is a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. they are hiking a long a trail and come up on this guy who is a regualar there and he says to them if u go to the magic mountain and jump off of it and while you are in the air , you say what ever u want or want to be it will instantly come true.
so they go to the magic mountain and the brunette say , well i will try it so she jumps off and yells BIRD!!! and poof she becomes a bird,
so the red head says if it worked for her it will work for me so she jumps off and in the air yells CAT!!! and poof she becomes a cat and runs down,
so the blonde says if it worked for them it will work for me , so she starts running and right before she jumps and trips on a rock and falls over the side and yells SH**!!! and poof , she hits the mountain and splats all over the side of it.
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket. A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on. Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?" "I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
Maple Leaf Angus
Well-known member
The turtle was strolling down the street when he was beset by a mob of angry snails. They beat him up thoroughly and left him.
A while later, a policeman came along and found him groaning in pain. He asked the turtle how it all happened.
The turtle thought about it for a while and finally came up with his answer.
He said, "I can't really remember. It all happened so fast".
A while later, a policeman came along and found him groaning in pain. He asked the turtle how it all happened.
The turtle thought about it for a while and finally came up with his answer.
He said, "I can't really remember. It all happened so fast".
movin' on
Well-known member
Three hermits lived in a cave. One day a horse walked in, turned around, and walked out. Several months came and went when one hermit said "my wasn't that a pretty white horse"! A few more months passed and the second hermit says "it was a gray horse, not a white horse". One full year later the third hermit says "if you two don't quit this constant arguing, I'm leaving".
ranchwife
Well-known member
more on bumper stickers:
Very funny, Scotty...now beam up my clothes!!
I do not suffer from insanity....I enjoy every moment
COWS...not CONDOS!!
Keep honking....I'll keep reloading!!
Keep 'em coming, Judith.....I will scour my old files and see what I can come up with!! :lol: :lol: :wink: :wink:
Very funny, Scotty...now beam up my clothes!!
I do not suffer from insanity....I enjoy every moment
COWS...not CONDOS!!
Keep honking....I'll keep reloading!!
Keep 'em coming, Judith.....I will scour my old files and see what I can come up with!! :lol: :lol: :wink: :wink:
Angus Cattle Shower
Well-known member
A pondering cause I thought of it during the test cause i was bored lol.
Howcome we are always busy, and yet we never seem to accomplish anything?
Howcome we are always busy, and yet we never seem to accomplish anything?
S CO rancher
Well-known member
The problem today is that tomorrow comes one day to soon.
katrina
Well-known member
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Maple Leaf Angus
Well-known member
The city guy watched in amazement as the farmer fed his pigs one at a time by holding them up to the apple tree to eat the fruit right off the tree. When one was full, he'd hold the next one up to get its fill.
The city guy heatedly pointed out how inefficient that was and how much time he could save if he'd just shake the tree and all the pigs could get their own apples off of the ground!
"Save time?", the farmer said, "what's time to a pig?"
The city guy heatedly pointed out how inefficient that was and how much time he could save if he'd just shake the tree and all the pigs could get their own apples off of the ground!
"Save time?", the farmer said, "what's time to a pig?"
Canadian_Cowgirl
Well-known member
10. Life is sexually transmitted.
9. Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
6. Some people are like a slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.
4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
2. In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
1. We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in Canada, but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration. (favorite one:lol
9. Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
6. Some people are like a slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.
4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
2. In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
1. We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in Canada, but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration. (favorite one:lol
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.? He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.? He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind.? Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind.? Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
movin' on
Well-known member
Fedup, that's hilarious!
greg
Well-known member
A women accompanied her hubby to doc office.After checkup,doc called wife into office alone. He said "Yur husband is sufferin from a nasty disease combined with horrible stress.If yu don't do the followin yur husband will surely die. Each mornin ,fix him breakfast,Be pleasent to keep stress down,Make lunch everyday,Don't burden him with chores as he probably had hard day,don't discuss yur problems -makes stress worse,And most importantly make luv with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.If yu do this for next yr he may regain his health and recover completley. On the way home,husband asks what doc said? Yur goin to die,she replied.
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
